Remember how awesome Queen was back when? Well, you're not going to like this. Desperate for attention, Queen has decided to tour the country with American Idol 8 loser Adam Lambert. Seriously. Apparently neither side thought about what a bad idea this is. The surviving members of Queen clearly don't realize Adam Lambert has basically no fan base and no hit songs, so this will draw in next to nobody. And Adam Lambert didn't realize that the only people more washed up than he is are the former members of Queen, who need to pull stunts like this to capture anyone's interest. Freddie Mercury would be rolling over in his grave, but he's too busy plotting the demise of his former band members after hearing this news to do so.

We're sure this news will provide some fun fodder to point and laugh at in the coming months.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh, for fuck's sake. Adam made the entire thing up to get some publicity for his new single and he's saying a reporter "misquoted" him. This douchebag is beyond pathetic.

Here we are at the final audition city, St. Louis. Seven audition cities are better than eight, and one hour shows are better than two hour shows - but somehow, we're all ready for this phase of the show to end...FOREVER. We're shown a clip from Carrie Underwood's 2004 audition, reminding us that they can't find anyone that successful from later than Season 4 to talk about. Ryan tells us that now, someone will make that same trip, failing to add that they'll probably be making a trip home before too long.

It's the final audition episode (Thank God) and we're off to St. Louis where Carrie Underwood auditioned, the last winner of this show who's had any major success. We see some angry old taxi driver and this guy, just like VFTW, knows what the deal is as he says all these wannabes are just lazy bums who don't want to work. I've been watching Idol since Season 4 and tonight's first auditioner Johnny Keyser is different than any of the other males I've ever seen on this show in that he's semi-presentable looking and straight. I'm wondering how this guy didn't make the Top 24, then I stop wondering when Johnny sings.

Tonight American Idol goes to Portland, but I don't give a crap. I'm just happy because I'm basking in the wonderful news that American Idol is scrapping next Wednesday's audition show and going directly to the Hollywood rounds! They must have been listening to our cries to shorten the audition phase of the competition...or, maybe, it was because the NJ auditions apparently sucked so badly that they just gave up on it. I guess people with real talent have collectively decided that if they make it big, they'd like to get paid a little more than a middle management position at your average US company would pay.

We're off to Portland, where we're bound to find many miserably depressed contestants who smoke way too much pot. Thanks to the wonder of technology, we can see the contestants ditching school and work and getting ready in their mother's basement for their one big shot of making something of their otherwise lost life. People like Brittany Zika, or is it Britney, or Britnee, I can't keep up any more. Britney once held up a huge obnoxious sign at a Sara Barrels concert and got to sing with her on stage, proving she has the attention-whorishness needed to do well on this show. And boy does she ever as Britney will do anything for attention, whether it's falling all over the place, dressing like a doofus or just acting like a jackass in general. Britney transforms into semi-normal mode to sing and Randy's surprised she doesn't sound like she looks, which is a good thing as Britnay looks like ass.

Julissa Veloz released a video of an acoustic performance of her new single "Very Brady Day." What do you think? It seems like a somewhat new direction for her, though we don't know what the full version sounds like yet.

In the least surprising development in the history of civilization, Steve Jones and Nicole Shitzinger have been fired from X Factor. Poor Steve had never done anything like this in his life and was so awful VFTW actually began liking him! And Nicole proved that someone with the mental makeup of a six-year-old girl wasn't a good choice as a judge.

Breaking News: Paula Abdul's fired too!

Meanwhile, chalk up another failure for Simon Cowell. Or should I say three!

While VFTW won't miss Nicole, we will miss Steve. Read on to re-visit some of his greatest moments...

Tonight, American Idol goes to Galveston, Texas, the fifth out of eight (oy) audition shows. We get an intro from some guy up in the International Space Station. He's smiling because he's 250 miles above the Earth and out of smelling range of the crapfest below. Then, instead of a fun hour in space, we plunge back to the depths of American Idol hell. We are then reminded that Texas is the home of Season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson. We're also reminded that this show is unlikely to ever shit out anyone that successful again.

The Idol season 10 contestants all seem to be getting record deals like no other season before (except maybe season 5). So hey, putting entertaining and fun people on the show really does pay off, huh? VFTW favorite Naima Adedapo is the latest to get a record deal. She's been signed to Peak Records and will have a 3 song EP produced by Warryn Campbell, who has produced for Kanye West and Trey Songz. Not too shabby. Only 2 words seem appropriate for this announcment: BOOM FIRE!

Tonight, American Idol took us to Aspen, Colorado, which in my opinion is one of the most self-indulgent choices yet when it comes to audition cities. Aspen is a playground for A-List celebrities and other wealthy types, and accommodations are not cheap. For a lot of contestants, it probably meant having to fly into Denver and renting a car to get to Aspen. For the judges and high-level producers, it probably meant scoping out some vacation houses to snatch up. For us, it means another hour of hoping to find America's next great star, only to find a few flickering 25-watt lightbulbs hanging over a filthy sink in a tenement...with two wonderfully VFTW exceptions. Unfortunately, we have to suffer for 45 minutes before getting to that.