Would that I had the editing skills and technology to create my own Carly video (I think we all know I obviously have enough time on my hands).
My video would begin in Los Angeles, September 11th, 2001. The opening shot would zoom in on the Smithson/Hennesy Trade Center, a tall building with Carly's head on it. The quiet of the morning would be shattered when a plane crashes into the building, causing the head of Smithson to shriek in pain as the building collapses. Cut to a video of Osama bin Laden claiming credit for destroying the Smithson/Hennesy building. His given reason for destroying it? "Terrorists hate Irish people."
Then, 7 years later, from the site of the once mighty Smithson/Hennesy Trade Center, a great rumbling would rise up from the earth as a giant monster with the head of Carly emerges from underground to once again wreak havok on the innocent people of the earth. To save time and money, I would basically just superimpose Carly's head onto the monsters from various Godzilla movies smashing cities and generally frightening everybody. I think the patented Godzilla shriek would fit the Carly monster pretty well. Maybe throw in some footage fromt he game Rampage as well.
Cut to President Bush. After trying desperately for about five minutes to find someone to battle this evil scourge, the president has been reduced to a blubbering idiot rubbing his own shit in his hair.
Cut to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain in a debate.
Clinton: "Only I have the experience to take down this horrible beast. I can communicate with it, because we are both women, and we are both evil, ugly, lying monsters."
Obama: "Only by uniting as Americans can we truly defeat this evil scourge. On the wings of freedom and on the big love ship that takes us all to happy town, if we can all conjure up enough love and good will, just like in the movie Ghostbusters II, we can bring this monster to its scaly and kind of chubby knees."
McCain: "Fuck this monster! Let's spend the next 100 years futilely fighting it. If bombs have no effect on it, the only obvious soultion is more bombs!"
Then, out of nowhere, a dark hooded figure walks onto the stage at the debate. Removing his hood to reveal his face, we see the mighty Dave Della Terza!
Della Terza: [with one mighty motion, Dave slaps all three contestants in the face] "Shut up, bitches! Only I have what it takes to bring this fat whore down!"
Cut to the Carly monster again, smashing all kinds of buildings and shit. Dave shows up with a bullhorn and begins his speech.
Della Terza: "Hey, Cunty! Nobody likes you! You sing like a screeching weasel, and your arms are way too fat to wear sleeveless dresses every god damned week! And get a tan, for Christ's sake! I know you're Irish, since you mention it every ten seconds, but that's no excuse. Oh, and by the way, we all know about your previous incarnation. Remember when your building came crahsing down and nobody bothered to rebuild it? That was because no one likes you! You had your chance, you blew it, now pack your fucking bags and go back to Ireland, where, according to you, your real fans are anyway. You got served, bitch!"
Cut to the monster. The monster begins to stumble and fall, falling to the earth in a mighty thunderous crash. Dave is declared a national hero, and April 24th is declared "VFTW Victory Day." All children are given the day off of school, and none of us have to go to work.
And we all lived happily ever after.
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If you're happy that Carly's gone, you'll like this.
If you're sad that Carly's gone... well you must be Carly, because no one else is upset.
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