^hammophobe and ^^Twizzler hater. Adam Lambert and his beautiful, one of a kind voice, has changed my life. I'll give you all my back-story, because who doesn't love a Sparkle Cow back-story? My entire adult life I have suffered from chronic constipation, unable to have a productive BM if my life depended on it. I'd stress and strain until I was red in the face and blue in the sphincter (hence my nickname "Baboon Ass"), only to press out one or two hard, pebble-like nuggets. I had accepted the fact that I would spend the rest of my years bloated, clogged up and cranky, unable to enjoy a morning BM like my Sparkle Cow friends.
Last Friday morning was no different than any other, I put the foam donut on my chair and gingerly sat down at the computer to get started on my 8 1/2 hours of Adam Lambert Googling. When I saw that his musical masterpiece "A Time for Miracles" had been released to the herds, I was as thrilled as any 59 year old Sparkle Cow could be! His voice is the voice of an angel, and those high notes he hits could break up a kidney stone!! Magic!! After about the 48th continuous time of listening to "TFM", I started to feel a very strange stirring, deep deep deep within me. At first I thought it was the emotional stirrings from hearing this beautiful song non-stop, but then I realized this was much, much more than that. I cautiously stood up and felt an urgency I haven't felt since Ford was president. With TFM blaring in the background, I ran to the toilet, yanked down my Lane Bryant elastic waisted stretch pants and sat down, giddy as a schoolgirl. What happened next was the most wonderful thing I have ever felt. I relaxed my sphincter, afraid at first, but when that first inch of soft BM made it's way out I was ecstatic!! That first inch lead to another, then another, until, five minutes later, I had let loose a BM that was so big, it pushed me up off the toilet. I was so excited, and so relieved, I called Mr. Sparkle Cow into the bathroom to see. The look on his face was unlike any I had ever seen, as he ran out with his hand covering his nose and mouth. I honestly think Mr. Cow left because he was going to cry from happiness, and those retching noises I heard were joyful sobs of relief.
So, all you haters who dislike Adam need to back off. He has the power to unobstruct bowels with his magical voice. Adam Lambert has changed this gal's life, and I have the plumbing bills to prove it. Now, when people look at me and ask "Good God, what in the HELL is that smell?" I look at them, wink, and say "That, my friend, is the smell of success". ;)
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"It was a little gross because I don’t think she was as clean as she could’ve been."~~Adam "can I get a breath mint, please" Lambert
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Looks like Adam is going to be performing at the American Music Awards this year. Hopefully the venue's security has extra Twizzlers on hand to herd the Sparkle Cows. (Via MJ's Big Blog)
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