Canadian Idol 6 -Top 5, The Beatles - "All You Need Is Sausage"

Sausage lovers line up here as it’s time for our all-male Top 5 on Canadian Idol. Ben tells us it’s Beatles night and that they’re the most influential group ever, having influenced an entire generation of druggies and sex perverts who are now leading our country and businesses. Zack reminds us of when The Beatles said they were Bigger than Christ 40 years, which caused less of an uproar than if American Idol had an openly gay contestant on its show today. Ben asks Jake if The Beatles changed the business of music, and they certainly did by ending the most successful run ever by a music act in 1970 having around two dollars in their bank accounts. Farley talks about our Idols' journey to today, which involves Theo eating about 1000 cases of Kraft Dinner and a whole lot of banging Amberly.

Our Idols then come out and Mitch is learning the privileges that come with being VFTW’s pick as he’s introduced first. CTV has about 20 minutes to kill before the first performance tonight so they have some filler about our Idols going to some cancer camp. It’s a bummer that all these kids have cancer but at least they can comfort themselves that they look more alive and have more energy than Drew Wright. Earl doing archery is a disaster waiting to happen as some poor kid with an arrow in his eye is soon going to find out that cancer is the least of their problems. Mookie’s high in a tree, but not as high as when he’s mumbling after downing a case of beer just before his performances.

It’s time to find out who CTV hates the most, and it’s Earl Stevenson as he gets the dreaded Death Spot, going first. The judges are choosing the songs tonight and they know they want to give Earl a song about drugs and getting high. Problem is, half of The Beatles songs are about that so they throw a dart and choose With A Little Help From My Friends. This song was written for Ringo so Earl can fart out of his mouth and still sound better than him. But the judges are one step ahead because they don’t want Earl to do the regular acid-dropping Beatles version, they want him to do the heroin-alcoholic version by Joe Cocker, and Earl has no choice but to oblige, giving us exactly the performance you’d expect of Earl doing Joe Cocker...drunken VFTW fabulousness! Earl’s looking and sounding a bit like Tom Waits, or at least Tom Waits in a massive car accident. And along with his unique style and spastic dancing, Earl has developed another trademark, singing the last note of his song like a frog who’s having his throat slit. Earl is Earl and you either love him or hate him, and the judges are loving him as they lick all the backhoe grease off him, but Zack’s nearly a fully converted Worster and wants more dancing, longing for the days of Mark Day.

The show has been trying to give Mookie Morris every advantage he can get so they strategically place him after Earl in the hope that he won’t seem as drunk as he usually does. And Mookie must be the man-slut of this year’s group as the judges think Come Together is an appropriate choice for him, a song about the entire Universe having a simultaneous orgasm. And while CTV may have had good intentions, making Mookie not seem drunk is hopeless as he’s mumbling and stumbling his way through the song. Zack sees Mookie as a real throwback, saying he’s mumbled his way through the entire history of Brit Rock. Sass says Mookie reminds her of a young Bono, and she’s reminding me of an old Paula Abdul with that drunken proclamation. But not as drunk as Zack must’ve been as when he decided to wear his revolting brown tuxedo-looking 1970s outfit tonight.

Theo’s next and after being goaded by VFTW into standing up a couple of weeks ago (and embarrassing himself miserably) it goes without saying the judges know they need to pick something where he can sit his fat ass at the piano so they’ve chosen The Long And Winding Road. And that road for Theo has been paved with Twinkies, pizza and cases and cases of Kraft dinner as Theo is easily blowing away this year’s cast for most weight gained during the show, something last year’s cast fought tooth and nail for until the very end, when Carly Rae Jepson finally broke the mansion’s scale and was declared the winner, but that was 4 weeks after Matt Rapley had suffered his first heart attack. Theo’s like everyone else on this show as we know what we’re going to get week after week and he’s giving his usual piano player at a drag bar performance, except he seems to think this song calls for extra goat vibrato and melisma. Zack’s ready to make his weekly inference about Theo being gay as he calls the performance Transcendent.

VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald is next and he’s doing something from Rubber Soul, probably because of the squeaky sound a rubber soul makes on the floor. Zack says that finally after four months he gets Mitch, just in time to support VFTW’s new pick. We always prefer to love our pick and a lot of people around here aren’t feeling Mitch so the question is can Mitch step up to the plate and give a VFTW performance that can fully mobilize VFTW’s accumulated power, money and influence? And the answer to the question is a resounding YES! as Mitch gives us a performance of In my Life that is squeakier than a colony of mice being run over by a tank. Mitch says F-You to the melody and is only one pair of revolting pants away from giving us a truly VFTW performance. Zack thought it was adorable, and we think it’s adorable that we have a Worster on the CI judging panel. But all the joking ends when Farley says this is the best Top 5 ever as all of Canada now is really worried about Farley’s obvious crack problem.

Last, and definitely least, is CI6 mascot Drew Wright. The judges want to choose a song that’ll let Drew show some emotion or energy. Or a pulse. Or a heartbeat. Or any sign sign of life from his tiny hairy gnome corpse. They’ve chosen While My Guitar Gently Weeps and Drew’s trying to channel his inner David Cook, but he’s going to have to gain about 70 pounds of belly fat and lose all his hair before he looks like Cook. But one thing Drew has down pat are the constipated faces as he’s doing a decent performance of this song and playing some good guitar and finally showing a heartbeat, about three per minute. But our little gnome friend reaches too high as his goat vibrato is slewn by a dragon-sized missed note.

Ben tells us that Drew was last but certainly not least…that’s VFTW pick, Mitch MacDonald. VFTW was a little sleepy this past week and we’ll be lucky to have gotten two of the three million votes we generate per week out there. But Mitch clearly wants VFTW’s full support as he stepped up to the plate this week and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he truly is the worst. It’s getting serious now Mitch and you’ll need to step up even further to get our full support that’ll put you over the top so it’s high time you whip out a pair of magic pants and Dance! as VFTW takes you to the top of Canadian Idol. Lord knows you’ll be getting no help from your hometown of Cape Breton, where everyone’s so wasted they’ll be lucky to remember the first two digits of the number they’re supposed to call for you.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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Signatures SUCK!