STP's Canadian Idol Freakshow
Canadian Idol 6- Final Results - "Mariah's Boobs, Jacob's Ass and Theo's Thing"
Canadian Idol 6 - Top 3, Bryan Adams Week - "Mitch, Theo and ummmmmm..."
Some of you may have missed the point last week when Anne Murray was featured for two days that Canada is the lamest country ever so CTV has decided to reinforce that point tonight as it’s Bryan Adams Week. It’s Labor Day and every day’s a labor for the person who has to haul in the grease for Ben’s hair. Ben asks Jake what the Idols can learn from Bryan Adams, and Jake replies that you’ll get terrible pockmarks if you pick at your skin too much. Ben tells Farley it’s been a long road and asks what he’s learned and Farley says that thanks to Mark Day and Mitch Macdonald, he’s learnt that there’s ALWAYS a worst. Ben reminds us this season (and series) is coming to an end and asks Zack what he’ll do after having no one to humiliate on National TV but Zack’ll be able to take the flaming to an international level once the most Worster judge ever comes home and can be comforted in the warmth that is votefortheworst.com.
Canadian Idol 6 - Top 4, Anne Murry Night - "Why Is Jake Gold Such An Asshole?"
While it’s nice having our non-Canadian Worsters along for this trainwreck of a ride known as Canadian Idol 6, it’s time for them to find out why Canada is the lamest country in the World as it’s…hold on to your hats, kiddies…Anne Murray night!!! And our group of four male stoners were so convincing in their rehearsals this week that Brunton’s decided that they’ll be massacring only one Anne Murray song each instead of the originally planned two. Ben asks Sass what she thinks of Four dudes doin’ Anne Murray and she says that Heart has no gender, and neither does Anne Murray. Ben asks Jake if our Idols should prepare differently tonight because they’re doing two songs each instead of the usual one but Jake says They should prepare as normal, meaning that Earl should smoke a pound of weed, Theo should put on a dress and VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald should pump helium up his ass until he’s about to pop.
Canadian Idol 6 -Top 5, The Beatles - "All You Need Is Sausage"
Sausage lovers line up here as it’s time for our all-male Top 5 on Canadian Idol. Ben tells us it’s Beatles night and that they’re the most influential group ever, having influenced an entire generation of druggies and sex perverts who are now leading our country and businesses. Zack reminds us of when The Beatles said they were Bigger than Christ 40 years, which caused less of an uproar than if American Idol had an openly gay contestant on its show today. Ben asks Jake if The Beatles changed the business of music, and they certainly did by ending the most successful run ever by a music act in 1970 having around two dollars in their bank accounts. Farley talks about our Idols' journey to today, which involves Theo eating about 1000 cases of Kraft Dinner and a whole lot of banging Amberly.
Canadian Idol 6, Top 6 - Canuck Rock - "A Sickly, Pasty White"
Last week, CTV crushed VFTW’s chubby grape Mark Day, removing all color from this show, leaving it a sickly, pasty white. And no one is pastier than Mitch MacDonald, who with VFTW’s support will now go higher than the helium shooting out of his mouth. Ben tells us it’s Canadian Week and he knows how lucky we are to still have a Canada after the train wreck that was his father’s government. Simple Plan is here to show our Idols how to properly rip-off other bands’ sounds and images to become the most derivative act in music today. Sass says that one of her favorite Canadian bands is Nickleback, meaning she must also love Daughtry, as every single one of their songs is a watered down rip-off of Nickleback. Ben asks Zack what he’s expecting, and Zack says That we get past this lame part of the show and onto his favorite part where he destroys young hopefuls’ dreams in front of their family, friends and entire nation.
Canadian Idol 6, Top 7 Week (British Invasion)- "White Toast And Sausage"
If you think the economy’s bad or you're concerned about the environment or terrorism, that’s nothing compared to my task tonight as I have to try to find something funny to say about seven pieces of white toast and sausage as it’s Top 7 night on Canadian Idol. It’s a holiday in Canada but there is no rest for the person responsible for greasing up Ben’s hair. Tom Jones is the mentor tonight and will teach our virtually all male cast how to stuff their pants and pick up groupies, but that’s redundant after our Idols met with Jaydee Bixby earlier this season. Jake wants the contestants to step up after being major pussies for 2 months, but not any more than VFTW wants our pick Mark Day to step it up after playing it straight (Well, kind of straight) with an explosion of chubby Newfy Grapeness and Cod cheekiness that’ll have Canada dancing before they pass out drunk on their lawns.
Canadian Idol 6 - Top 8 - Accoustic "Let Mark Dance, You Bastards!"
Just in case you weren’t in a deep coma after Amberly’s performance last week, CTV’s ready to bury Canada (and itself) six feet under the ground, as it’s Top 8 acoustic night. While the instruments are unplugged tonight, Ben hasn’t unplugged the machine that produces grease for his hair. Ben tells us this week is CRUCIAL, as opposed to Top 9 week, which is for losers, and Top 7 week, which is for weaklings. Jake says tonight is a chance for our Idols to show their vulnerabilities, of which they have so, so many. Sass says we get to see the Idols naked, but not Theo, please. And Zack doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself (and VFTW!) as when asked about tonight’s theme he talks about how he’s dressed as a disco ball. Mr. Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, is the mentor tonight, ready to prove he can suck as much acoustic as he did electric.
Canadian Idol 6-Top 9 Week, Songs By Rotting Corpses-"Cod Cheeks!"
It’s Top 9 time and Ben tells us the Idols can sing any song they want tonight, with one condition…it was written by a rotting, stinking corpse, as we get ready for the most morbid theme night (and blog!) in Canadian Idol history. Ben says they poked all these artists with a stick to make sure they were dead, as dead as his father’s political career after pilfering Canada’s coffers as Prime Minister. Jake says Kurt Cobain is still very influential, inspiring fellow drug infested losers to kill themselves to this day. Zack says his favorite dead stars are Karen Carpenter and Keith Richards, who’s almost as dead as Zack’s music career.
The road to crowning a Canadian Idol is a lot like cleaning a cesspool; keep removing all the crap till there’s none left. And no one can clean a cesspool like CI. First, they drain the fattest turds at the bottom, like Vanessa Kalala and Jessica Sheppard, and the trannies, like Ryan Mawla and Pappy J. Gordon. Then Canada takes care of removing all the women and minority contestants, until we are left with the two best contestants. But VFTW has thrown a big fat whiney wrench into that equation, as one giant smelly turd still remains as Mitch MacDonald is on the precipice of the greatest Canadian VFTW Victory ever!