STP's Canadian Idol Freakshow
CI5 Episode 26: Top 4 Perform Standards: "Lobster Boy Gets Thrown In The Pot"
CI5 Episode 25: Top 5 Results: "Jesus Hates Fat Communists"
It's a historic night at VFTW as Jaydee Bixby, thanks to our power, money and millions of votes, is trying to set the record as longest running VFTW pick EVER! And we know it's VFTW's night as we start with the group number. Our Idols are doing Change The World and it might as well be Matt and Dwight in the Top 2 as their massive girths are taking up the entire stage. Without the judges waiting, Carly Rae seems extra loose missing every other note. And Jaydee's twang is in full effect, but don't we all sing with a twang when we're piss drunk?
CI5 Episode 24: Top 5 Perform (Theme Unknown/Who Cares!): "Higher Than Elvis"
We're down to the Top 5 and this rudderless ship is completely out of control as there is no theme tonight. Along with her daily whippings, part of Kelly Clarkson's penitence to Clive Davis is to mentor this hopeless lot. Jake says we're going to learn about the Idols tonight, like about Jaydee's alcoholism and Matt's connection to Saskatchewan Communists. Ben asks Sass what the Idols can learn from Kelly, and she says that Matt should be motivated knowing that someone can win an Idol show even with thunder thighs.
Matt Rapley
CI5 Episode 23: Top 6 Results: "Only Four More Weeks 'Till VFTW Makes History!"
While I dump my garbage to the curb on Mondays, Canadian Idol does it on Tuesdays as it's elimination night. And now that VFTW's in charge, we get the self indulgence off to an immediate start as we begin with the group number. And our boy Jaydee's bringing an extra-fake twang that has the cast of Brokeback Mountain screaming Tone It Down! And Dwight's extra-wide body guitar is almost concealing his humongous ass.
CI5 Episode 22: Top 6 Pop Week: "Boo-Hoo :( Greg's Gone...STFU!"
The game of rotating producers continues as after Brunton had Acoustic Night to pimp Carly Rae and VFTW had Queen Night to pimp our chosen one in Jaydee, it's Brunton's turn again as it's Pop/Rock Night, the perfect opportunity to pimp his other chosen one, Greg Neufeld. But Greg will have to watch tonight's show from some store window by the curb where he's living as VFTW was solely responsible for the greatest upset in Idol history and finally exposing Greg and his family as bitter bitches.
CI5 Episode 21: Top 7 Results: "August 7, 2007: The Night VFTW Took Over Canadian Idol!"
It's Happy Day! at VFTW as it's time for one of our Idols to be humilated in front of their family, friends and an entire nation. And based on the dopey grin on Ben's face, he either has some very happy news for VFTW or Carly Rae's finally submitted after 3 months of being sexually harassed by him. And the guests are dropping like flies as not only has Brian May refused to show up tonight, Mika has now heard about what a career-ender this crapfest is and will be catching the Canadian Idol Flu in two weeks and won't be able to show up.
CI5 Episode 20: Top 7 Perform Queen: "Elvis Is Still In The Building!"
After last week's contrived John Brunton (1912-2007) disaster to pimp his chosen ones, VFTW's taken over and it's time to pimp our chosen one as it's Queen Night! And we show our benevolence, as opposed to the pussies at Sir-Links-A-Lot who won't pimp our blog and wrote me I find the whole concept of promoting mediocrity morally wrong...I'm not all high and mighty about everything but this just crosses the line for me by repaying Jaydee's relatives for their support of VFTW by giving the pimpspot to their boy/brother/cousin...
CI5 Episode 19: Top 8 Results: "Joybot's Disconnected!"
It's been 24 hours since the Top 8 performed, giving us just enough time to have slept off last night's John Brunton-conceived disaster. And just in case there's any doubt that VFTW's going to take Jaydee Bixby to the top, his relatives have stopped locking lips long enough to come by here to thank us for our support.
What can be finer then watching four losers embarrass themselves in front of millions of people by doing a standard for the first time in their life? Watching them do it twice, as we get to see all the colours Jaydee Bixby and Dwight D'Eon can bring to the American Songbook.