Dave's False Idols
Top 2- Going Higher and Deeper Into the Worst Idol Song Ever Written. Good Job, Kara!
Top 3 - Dave Hears The Good News and Spreads the Gospel of Gokey
It’s Idol’s 300th episode. Another episode to run longer than an hour even though we’re only watching 6 fucking minute-and-thirty-second performances. That’s 9 minutes. How can you possibly not fit this in an hour? It doesn’t matter though. Because I found Jesus tonight while watching 6 bad performances. And he has a message of good news for the devoted Worsters: Danny Gokey will stay. How do I know? Jesus has some good news for you coming up in a bit. So keep the faith and read on.
Top 4 Rock Week - Karaoke Gokey Hits the Worst Note in Idol History
Man, when we choose a VFTW pick, they always make sure to deliver. During rock week, Danny Gokey made a mockery of the show by believing his own hype so much that he thought he could rock out. I still can’t stop laughing while thinking of how horrible Danny was this week. Rock week must have been a thank you to VFTW for sitting through the last few weeks of boredom. Thank you, Idol. Thank you very much.
Top 5 - Rat Pack Week Makes Kara Crave Diction
Rat Pack week is giving me very little material to work with. The performances were mind numbingly slow, as if I wasn’t expecting pure boredom from this cast already. But the judges had it all wrong, which was pretty hilarious. The performances that Simon complimented were more often than not pure shit, while the ones that he insulted were well sung. I did, however, enjoy the fact that the show was mentored by a guy whose current hit song is overrun by autotune and is a joke to people who can actually sing. I also laughed about the fact that the show cannot seem to come in on time even though there were only 5 performances to get through in an hour. The show STILL ran over by 2 minutes. Please, fire Bruce Gowers. The man is a boil on the face of good television. So how did they do?
Top 7 Again on Disco Night - "You’ve gotta get yourself out of Idol land for a while and put yourself in the real world"
Since when does disco night mean ballad night? The contestants are given an uptempo theme and they still figure out a way to make me fall asleep. At least a few of the contestants didn’t pussy out and actually performed disco songs with a disco feel. But Randy’s constant claims tonight that this is the best top 7 ever fell on deaf ears. Even Scott MacIntyre can see that Randy’s a liar and Scott’s not even on the show anymore.
Top 7- Lil Rounds Finally Talks Back, The Other Idols Put Me in a Coma
We’re about to embark on a historic evening, friends. For tonight, only 2 judges will comment on each performance since Bruce Gowers is such a monumental boob that he can’t make the show come in on time. And yet, the show will still run over by 4 minutes. How can this show be so terrible? I don’t know. I just know that it’s the worst show on television and I will continue to mock its overall incompetence as I tackle “sleepy ballads from shitty movies” night. If Adam hadn’t picked a song with a pulse, I might have offed myself due to pure boredom. But more on that later.
Top 8 (Songs from Birth Years) - Scott Shows His Punk Side, Lil Prepares to Cut a Judge
This week, the Idols sing songs from the year they fell into comas and slept the entire time. Wait, the theme is songs from the year they were born? You’d never know, as most of the contestants seemed too busy picking out lullabies to actually remind me. Maybe their parents sang these songs to bore the kids into sleeping. As if the theme wasn’t enough to make you tune out, we also had to see baby pictures, and none were as funny as David Cook’s humongous skull. Randy was a cute baby though. The other judges were all pretty ugly or annoying.
What the Top 8 Idols Need to Do to Win VFTW's Support
Now that VFTW songbird Megan is out, we need a new pick. The problem is that none of the remaining contestants even come close to her in Worsterish tendencies. But many of them are partially there. So here's my thought. I am going to give advice to the remaining 8 contestants if they'd like our support. If you take our advice, awesome, we very well may pick you. If you don't take it, well no one likes you anyway, you big poopy heads. Without further ado, here's what the remaining contestants need to do to win the VFTW vote this week, from most likely to gain our support to least likely.
I do think that this is going to be a photo finish finale. Before the performances, I was sure Adam had it in the bag. But after both singers got progressively worse throughout the night, it made me realize that neither of these 2 are the easy winner since “No Boundaries” made them suck equally. Kara’s song is the worst Idol single ever created, especially since it wasn’t crafted for either of the final 2. So what did I think of tonight? And will anyone care who wins tomorrow?