Jordin Sparks
Jorbacca Terrorizes Australia
19 Entertainment Drops Jordin Sparks
19 Entertainment has decided to terminate its management relationship with half girl/half beast Jordin Sparks. Jorbacca puts out 3 hit songs and they still shitcan her? She must have done something pretty big! She's not dropped from her label 19 Recordings, but the Idol people will no longer manage her. Maybe it was one too many lessons about purity rings? Or maybe she ruined the entire catering budget in one meal? No wait... Simon Fuller saw Jorbacca in her hideous new clothing line. Either way, it's probably mutually beneficial, because 19E sucks almost as much as Jorbacca, and they both can probably do better.
Jordin Sparks Creates Clothes for Wet Seal
Jorbacca is designing a line of dresses called 'Sparks' for the clothing company Wet Seal. This is appropriate because she looks like a wet seal (see comparison, left). The clothing line, which does not include gaudy purity rings, comes in sizes XS to XL. This means that unfortunately the clothes do not come in Beasty Jorbacca size. “Jordin is a great role model for the young girls that shop Wet Seal. Not only does she have a youthful, yet refined, fashion sense, she has not lost sight of who she is through her rise to stardom,” said Ed Thomas, Wet Seal's Chief Executive Officer. "These clothes are ugly and I wouldn't be caught dead in them," said Jenny Thomas, Ed's 6th grade daughter.
Jordin Sparks Tattoo Video - UK Version
Well, Jorbacca made a new video for "Tattoo" for the UK market. Guess they needed a version without epic failure Pocket Tool in it. Who else is cheering for the tattoos to win and kill off the people in the video? Just us?
Jorbacca on Australian Idol
Jorbacca performs a solo version of "No Air" while guesting on Australian Idol. Well, this proves that Chris Brown is the reason the song is popular. Can the wookie be more off key? And she looks a hot mess!
No Prayer, No Prayer
Angry wookie Jordin Sparks apparently has a crush on Chris Brown. And Chris isn't taking it well. Why not? I mean isn't it every teen hearthtrob's dream to date a wookie linebacker who won't give it up until marriage even though no one with any common sense would go anywhere near her with a 10 foot pole? When OK magazine asked Chris if he felt the same, he politely stated that, "I didn't feel that chemistry." (Translation: "She's not attractive.") And then when asked if he would ever date Jorbacca, Chris succinctly stated, "No." (Translation: "I only went near that bitch because my record label forced me to. God, I wouldn't even hit that with a shovel. Disgusting!")
Jordin Sparks is An Angry Wookie at the MTV Video Music Awards
After host Russel Brand made a lame joke about the Jonas Brothers wearing promise rings so that they will not have sex until marriage, Jordin Sparks was pissed off at the MTV Video Music Awards. When Jorbacca stomped on the stage and nearly killed all crew members due to her massive size, she quipped, "I just wanna say, it's not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?" She then went on to lose the award for best new artist, eat every last bit piece of food backstage, and then was unable to heal her pain with some sex... because no one wants to have sex with her. We mean, because she is saving herself for marriage.
Jorbacca's New Video - One Step at a Time
Jordin looks blissfully unaware that her first single succeeded due to massive payola and her second single succeeded due to Chris Brown. Since this song will probably not have massive payola and clearly does not have Chris Brown, we're calling an early failure.
Jorbacca terrorizes Australia with her off key bleating. This just goes to show again that Chris Brown was the only reason this song was successful.