Tonight American Idol goes to Portland, but I don't give a crap. I'm just happy because I'm basking in the wonderful news that American Idol is scrapping next Wednesday's audition show and going directly to the Hollywood rounds! They must have been listening to our cries to shorten the audition phase of the competition...or, maybe, it was because the NJ auditions apparently sucked so badly that they just gave up on it. I guess people with real talent have collectively decided that if they make it big, they'd like to get paid a little more than a middle management position at your average US company would pay.

It's the final audition episode (Thank God) and we're off to St. Louis where Carrie Underwood auditioned, the last winner of this show who's had any major success. We see some angry old taxi driver and this guy, just like VFTW, knows what the deal is as he says all these wannabes are just lazy bums who don't want to work. I've been watching Idol since Season 4 and tonight's first auditioner Johnny Keyser is different than any of the other males I've ever seen on this show in that he's semi-presentable looking and straight. I'm wondering how this guy didn't make the Top 24, then I stop wondering when Johnny sings.

Here we are at the final audition city, St. Louis. Seven audition cities are better than eight, and one hour shows are better than two hour shows - but somehow, we're all ready for this phase of the show to end...FOREVER. We're shown a clip from Carrie Underwood's 2004 audition, reminding us that they can't find anyone that successful from later than Season 4 to talk about. Ryan tells us that now, someone will make that same trip, failing to add that they'll probably be making a trip home before too long.

We're off to Portland, where we're bound to find many miserably depressed contestants who smoke way too much pot. Thanks to the wonder of technology, we can see the contestants ditching school and work and getting ready in their mother's basement for their one big shot of making something of their otherwise lost life. People like Brittany Zika, or is it Britney, or Britnee, I can't keep up any more. Britney once held up a huge obnoxious sign at a Sara Barrels concert and got to sing with her on stage, proving she has the attention-whorishness needed to do well on this show. And boy does she ever as Britney will do anything for attention, whether it's falling all over the place, dressing like a doofus or just acting like a jackass in general. Britney transforms into semi-normal mode to sing and Randy's surprised she doesn't sound like she looks, which is a good thing as Britnay looks like ass.

Tonight, American Idol took us to Aspen, Colorado, which in my opinion is one of the most self-indulgent choices yet when it comes to audition cities. Aspen is a playground for A-List celebrities and other wealthy types, and accommodations are not cheap. For a lot of contestants, it probably meant having to fly into Denver and renting a car to get to Aspen. For the judges and high-level producers, it probably meant scoping out some vacation houses to snatch up. For us, it means another hour of hoping to find America's next great star, only to find a few flickering 25-watt lightbulbs hanging over a filthy sink in a tenement...with two wonderfully VFTW exceptions. Unfortunately, we have to suffer for 45 minutes before getting to that.

Tonight, American Idol goes to Galveston, Texas, the fifth out of eight (oy) audition shows. We get an intro from some guy up in the International Space Station. He's smiling because he's 250 miles above the Earth and out of smelling range of the crapfest below. Then, instead of a fun hour in space, we plunge back to the depths of American Idol hell. We are then reminded that Texas is the home of Season 1 winner Kelly Clarkson. We're also reminded that this show is unlikely to ever shit out anyone that successful again.

The search for the next Lee DeWyze and Kris Allen moves on to Aspen, although I see the contestants entering an arena that looks suspiciously about 15 000 seats too big for a place of that size. Jenni Schick is up first but it's more like Jenni Schtick as she's running around like an IBW with her head cut off. She's a music teacher and seems to like her job as much as someone who cleans out cess pools. Jenni wants a kiss from Ryan but has a better chance of getting one from The Pope. But Steven Tyler will be more than happy to kiss Jenni, although she's about ten years too old for him. Jenni sings Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker is good enough to get a gold ticket but not good enough to make the Top 24, which will put Jenni in quite the bind after her school fires her for making a complete ass of herself on National TV.

Well, it's only Sunday, but here we are again. I'm less than thrilled about it. We had a decent Wednesday show, but a shitty Thursday show, which makes me think we're in for three more weeks of shitty audition shows. Why is there an OMG EXTRA SPESHUL episode tonight? Well, there were football playoffs tonight, so I suppose the programmers at FOX were hoping for a hefty lead-in from all of those football fans. After all, you know that butch male sports fans make up the core of American Idol fans. No, wait, that's just 50-year-old women who look like linebackers. Anyway, the game ran into overtime, pre-empting the show for nearly an hour. This overtime must have been great for FOX's ratings, because American Idol sure isn't helping with the network's ratings this year.

We're off to Pittsburgh for Episode 2 where we're bound to see thousands of people in XXXL Steelers jerseys. This is the first time Idol's gone to Pittsburgh, a city that has produced such famous music acts as...I challenge you to name one major music act that's EVER come from Pittsburgh! Idol forgot to mock an Asian contestant last night as they always do so they make up for it right away as Heejun Han is up first. Heejun's a tad spaced out, like someone who's coming down from doing mushrooms last night, although his spastic arms are more like someone coming down from crack. And we get a pleasant surpirse as Heejun does well and gets through. That's the good news, Heejun. The bad news is that you'll be the first contestant eliminated by the people who watch this show if you make the Finals.

I'm not writing a full blog tonight because, as opposed to these lazy wannabes on this show, I have a real job and have to get up in a few hours. A few thoughts, however...

-The show's on an aircraft carrier. There's a shot of the judges on it and Randy's and J-Lo's ass almost take up the entire flight deck.

-Jennifer Diley's bikini is able to distract us from her shovel face but not from her awful singing

-Ashley Robles' mediocre voice is the same as countless others who've been cut on this show but she's cute so she gets through

-Deandre Brackensick may be too hideous looking to pass an audition even on The Voice

-Jayray Gibson sounds like he actually has the chance to be semi-modern. That's completely useless for this show, that's stuck somewhere in the 50s

-Aubree Dieckmeyer better hope there is no IQ test for finalists. James Durbin made it, so I suppose there isn't

-Ali Shields doesn't have the voice to win Idol, but she has enough craziness to be mocked in Hollywood

-Kyle Crews is in a fraternity...Phi Beta Loser

-Jane Carrey's singing is weak but maybe she can talk out her ass like her dad

-We could end our dependency on Arab oil if we could somehow extract all the grease off of Wolf Hamlin

-Best part of tonight's show: All the boat horns ruining the auditions! The auditions have become so bland; there's no more craziness, just a bunch of rejects from show buisness who either sing like crap or are too awful looking to present.

See you on Wednesday with a real blog.