We're back for Round 2 of the girls and we're reminded it's been six years since a girl has won this show, and it's going to be six million more as the only people left watching this dead show are middle-aged frustrated housewives who want weener. Angela Miller is first and she's doing an original song about being set free from personal baggage but what she really needs to be set free from are her awful hair extensions. Next is Candice Glover doing an Alicia Keys tune and I realize this song is pretty lame when there isn't a hot girl singing it. Candice is massively overrated and it's clear why she didn't make it last year. Jennel Arthur is here for the third time and seems to have figured out that the key to being a big country singer is to be as bland and generic as possible, and she's hitting a homerun. The total opposite of this is the incredible Zoanette. She's saying Lord help me! and with reason as Zoanette's totally making up on the spot what she's going to do. She struts onto the stage and takes off her top and sits down behind...the drums! She's doing an original called something like Badadoodadap, which is brilliant as she can just make ridiculous noises if she forgets the words. It's a total VFTW clusterfuck as there's everything from shout-out to the judges, losing her drum sticks, ordering the band around and just a whole lotta Poo Snap love! This is arguably the all-time greatest VFTW candidate ever as she's wildly entertaining yet will still piss off to no end the people who watch this show. What a going away present!

We're back and this season begins with WGWG5 Phillip Phillips singing, and it's going to end with a WGWG singing too if VFTW has anything to say about it. The show is exploiting to the extreme that, after five years of flops, they finally have something resembling a hit in Phillip. Nevermind that Phil's had only one hit so far that was a flop that was only saved thanks to NBC using it during The Olympics. We get our annual flashback of past Idol contestants, and I ask my annual question Where's Taylor Hicks? The judges are arriving and Randy's the judge that refuses to die. Keith Urban's here and he'll attract even more of the type of people who'll be voting for a WGWG. Nicki's arrived after taking hours deciding which personality she'll be today, and she's gone with drum majorette.

Howdy Class,

Wow, wasn't one hour of bad singing better then the full monty 2 hour suckstravaganza? I even stayed awake this time. Wednesday's bloated show promises 2 hours of non-talented fools singing in New York.

 

This will be a Cliff's notes versions of my bad-singing blog. I'll just point out the few highpoints of the show that struck me as interesting, and anything that didn't interest me will be quickly forgotten.

 

Professor Chan's Observations

1. There are lots of bored, delusional people in Memphis. The editing makes it look like the entire village is camped out for auditions. It looks like a hoot!

 

2. Footage of Gracelend. Neat. I've never been to Graceland. Who wants to bet an Elvis song gets pulverised on this show?

 

3. The First B.S. moment of the night when Frank the Cheerleader gets passed on. Sure the guy was cheesy and dramatic, but he can sing. He's got a pretty voice and hits a sweet pitch bend at the end of the song. Of course we CAN'T HAVE ANY TALENTED PEOPLE in the finals. Then some dudes manhandle Ryan. You know he loved it.

 

4. Chris Fruity Hair - with white stripe on his jeans, sucks through a Stevie Wonder song. Sadly he's not as awful as I hoped he would be, just by looking at the oaf.

 

5. Sundance Head - Best Idol name ever. I guess when you have the last name "Head" there's no good first name. The only way it could've been better if it was Harold Richard... I love this guy. AND he's going to the Finals. Sundance has a weird flat-iron beard and a carpet of chest hair poking out of his plaid work shirt. Sundance can sing, but ironically can't dance. Whoo Boy, Vote For The Worst! Go all the way Sundance!

 

6.Wandera- she of the Flaming Red Mullet. She gets the boot, even after singing in the AI approved Mariah Carey, screech whatever high note you want style. She should've gone to the finals... so VFTW could help her win.

 

7. Harry Knowles - He says his name was "Topher" but we know it's douchebag film website owning slob, "Fat" Harry Knowles. Topher has a great sob story to help him get a gold ticket- His ex-wife is a slut. But that doesn't overcome his crappy talent and timid "Footloose" dancing. Then he precedes to drool all over the drunk, plastic mutant Paula. You go, Harry.

 

8. Fidel Castro - Fidel has long shiny hair and a terrorist style beard. Fidel must've auditioned just so he could take down the whole capitalist system from the pedestal of 15 Minutes of Famedom. Fidel does some generic blues song and is out of tune. So naturally he makes it to Hollywood. What's funny is that Fidel tells us people "compare him to Fidel Castro." Could it be that you're wearing the identical faux-military garb to what the Communist Dictator wears? Vote For The Worst!

 

9. Melinda - Who knew that a professional back-up singer could sing well enough to make it onto this show? Melinda has talent, but she also has no neck. Is that an unfair advantage because she draws her singing directly from her lungs? I smell a controversy.

 

10. Howie Mandell - Bald and creepy Howie shows up and has a great sob story. His wife is having a baby... during this very audition. Will he have the gumption to pull out a miracle gold ticket? And what a coincidence... the AI cameras just happened to be in the hospital room where Mrs. Howie Mandell delivers her child. Aww... so sweet. Blecch!

Quick notes of things that amused me-

-Purple-haired girl who needed her medication... Psst, Paula's got

some in her cup.

-Big dude in a baby bonnet who whips out his penis.

-Joey "Ace" Lawrence made it to Hollywood.

-Tomorrow's show features a cowgirl having an orgasm. I can't wait.

 

Ta-ta for now.

Professor Chan

 

We're off to Greensboro, North Carolina, home of an endless supply of WGWGs and IBWs, all of whom are related to each other. Time will tell if any of them can sing but they better be able to act as this show has more fake drama than Glee. It's 12 hours before showtime so it's time for Britney to start putting on her makeup and taking all her meds. Demi isn't hungry this morning so she's put her croissant on top of her head. First up is Willie Jones, who's forming a Jesus Circle with his family but it's going to do him little good as Jesus, like everyone else in America, isn't watching this show. Willie looks like a character from The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air but sings like a one from Deliverance as Willie is all country and is singing babylockthemdoors, just like Scotty McCreepy did ten times on American Idol. It's ironic Willie is a country singer as most of the people who listen to that music would sooner run Willie over with their pickup truck than buy one of his albums. People like our next auditioner...

America's third favorite karaoke show is back and we're reminded that someone's going to win $5 million, of which they'll be lucky to see $50 once Simon's done with them. We see Britney's puppeteer Larry Rudolph, who surely has a straight jacket nearby just in case. You never know what you're going to get with this show as some of the audition episodes feature serious singers while others have a bunch of deluisonal jackasses and based on tonight's first auditioners Adonis and John, it looks like it's going to be the latter. Adonis looks like the runt of a litter the mother usually kills while John looks like Bigfoot. These two like the hot girls, none of whom they are EVER going to get. They're doing Lionel Richie's Hello and this act is made up of Adonis singing hideously while John acts like a corpse who can give the occasional Uh! Yeah! Even when being rejected, Adonis says It's all good. No it's not Adonis, it's not good at all.

I got home just in time to watch the show tonight and I'm confused because my local Fox channel seems to be showing the San Francisco Pride Parade instead of American Idol. But then I realize it's just the group of boys Nigel's put together this year so he'll finally get a female winner. After not uttering the word Gay for 11 seasons (despite being the gayest show on TV), American Idol more than made up for it tonight with an episode that more resembled RuPaul's Drag Race than your typical Idol episode, and VFTW doesn't mind at all! Mariah looks like she's going to float away as her boobs are more inflated than the Hindenburg.

Tonight's episode is what American Idol should be every week, a cutting contest between great singers trying to outdo each other.  And when someone screws up they go home.  The girls brought their 'A' game this week, whereas the guys were playing a game of chicken--  "Watch how badly I can suck, I dare you to send me home." Typical guys.  Sure good singing and competent performing gives me less funny stuff to talk about, but it’s a more pleasurable viewing experience.

 

This show was light on B.S. and long on good performances.  Oh sure there was the usual AI crap, Paula stumbling over her words, Randy’s incoherent chest thumping.  Simon was in rare form, managing to drive his harsh critique's home with maximum damage.  It looked like poor Haley was going to cry... but she's a pro, so she sucked those tears back into her eyeballs and laughed it off.

 

Girls Sing

 

 

I was really enjoying the show so far, so of course the real American Idol show had to rear it's ugly face with the next two performances.  At least we get them out of the way early.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another high-caliber Girls Sing episode.  Next week we thankfully go back to one night of performances a week.  As usual I will not watch the results show as it bores the piss out of me.  But I will be introducing a couple new twists into my Grading The Idols blog of the Finals, so I hope you'll join me.

 --Chan

A totally pointless show.  The Elevator of Shame and “Here in this” Chair get more screen time than most of the singing FINALISTS.  Maybe that’s a good thing.

My impression of the people that didn’t make it.

1.     Who?  Most of these people made no impression on me.

2.     Both Anna the Gigantress and Tami the Beast go home early.

My quick impressions of the finalists. 

 

1. Sanjaya Malakar – Simon’s Indian boy-crush.  I actually liked the 5 seconds of his vocals they showed from Hollywood.
2. Melinda Doolittle – the professional background SINGER, who the show acts all surprised about when she can actually SING.  I bet she rocked on group sing day.  She’s likeable enough, don’t know if she has the charisma or huge personality disorder that could launch her to the top.
3. Brandon Rogers – Professional background singer, who sung with Christina and other stars… who would’ve thought HE could sing?  (note the sarcasm)
4. Gina Bitch-son – Gina has a Cher voice, and the dubious distinction of declaring, “I don’t care about anybody but myself” in front of millions of impressionable AI viewers.  And she’s a beast.  Should be gone by Wednesday.
5. Haylie, Rudy, Alaina Alexander, Sabrina Sloan, Nicole Tranquillo, Jarrod Cotter—Who are these people?  Would’ve been nice to you know, hear them sing.  And if they did sing… then they didn’t put any dent on my memory.  Bye-bye boring people.
6. Phil “Howie Mandell” Stacey – I hated this guy and his manufactured “just had a baby” back-story.  But then he imitated the jaguar dance from that other fool, so now I love Howie.
7. Chris “Jack Osborne” Sligh – the guy’s got cajones, that’s for sure.  He makes a joke as he takes a seat in “Here in this” Chair.  He’s entertaining and that’s a desperately needed commodity with these dull as dirt finalists.
8. Beat Box Blake – I actually enjoy this guy as well.  Can he win?  Probably not, but don’t count him out from appearing on The Fat Boys reunion tour.
9. Paul Kim – Paul loses points with me as he’s barefoot and declares, “I’ll never wear shoes on the show.  Being barefoot, that’s my thing.”  I guess being “The Asian Guy That’s Not William Hung” wasn’t a big enough gimmick.  I already hate the barefoot thing.  How is that going to endear him to teenage girls and their moms watching at home?
10.  Jordin Sparks – the Coke New Singer  Award winner and AI Ringer.  She bugs me in that showbiz kid overly perky way.  But then again, how many other Finalists have a dad that was an NFL Linebacker?  She should win for that.
11. AJ Tabaldo – They show a close-up of his wisp thin pubic mustache while singing an Ace song.  I’ve got my barf bag ready for when he appears on the show again.
12. Stephanie Edwards – a ballsy soul singer who gives off a Nadia vibe.  Like Nadia she’ll start singing songs nobody ever heard and will disappear soon after the bottom feeders are gone.
13.  Leslie Hunt – My choice for first finalist to freak out on-stage.  She definitely gives off a stalker, ex-girlfriend vibe.  I’m hoping she lasts a while.
14. Nick Pedro-  Has all the hallmarks of dismal AI failure.  He indicates while singing, (points to his head during “thinking about you” lyric.)  Then strikes a cocky arms crossed pose during his dance off.  Has a Scott Savol feel to him.
15. Chris Richardson- He makes jerky, egotistical faces while singing.  I like him as a VFTW candidate.
16.  Lakishia Jones – They’re going for a Fantasia, I have a little daughter feel-good story with her.  Lakishia sports a bad comb over.  She sounds great but her lyrics are incoherent.
17.  Amy Krebs – Cute button nose, pretty eyes, melodramatic X-Tina singing.
18.  Antonella – Gets to the finals because of her boobs.  I predict she goes out like the other blandly beautiful, weak-singing girls who always exit early on AI. 
19.  Sundance Head – Funny name, tangled forest of chest hair, great Ming The Merciless beard.  He looks like John Candy in Uncle Buck with his rain coat.  I love this guy. 

 

The best part of the show was the final two chairs.  They made a Donald Trump ridiculous leap of logic on both of them.  “Malissa, you were the best singer of the day in Hollywood.  Antonella, you’ve got huge boobs.  I think Antonella gets the edge.”  And then: “Sundance, you were the best in the early rounds but you screwed the pooch in the critical ‘don’t forget the lyrics’ challenge and sucked hard in Hollywood.  But you’ve got chutzpah, so yeah, Sundance is in the finals.”

 

So finally, FINALLY we’ve got the Final FINALS.  Next Week.  It’s the brutal 50% cut from 24 to 12 singers.  Remember to VOTE FOR THE WORST!  Or at least Sundance, Beat Box Blake or Chris Sligh.

 

Chan

Being that we’re still watching the audition stage, you lucky readers will get two doses of False Idols for the next few weeks. You seriously don’t have to write and thank me, I’m just doing my job. There are people reading this, right?
Denver produced some interesting talent and some Paula Abdul wannabes. I agree with Simon that the versions of “Straight Up” and “Rush Rush” that were performed in Denver far outshined the originals. Whatever happened to that Debbie Gibson anyway? Here were the VFTW wannabes who failed, the bad singers who made it through, and our false idol of the week (part 2).

THE FALLEN

Marlows Davis Jr. started off the night by singing Alicia Keys’ “Fallin” complete with diva hand movements. He had one of the most compelling sob stories yet and the judges still didn’t let him through to Hollywood. He drove all the way from Denver to make it to the Denver auditions. I don’t know if you non Colorado residents know this, but due to the high altitude in Colorado, it actually takes you 10 times longer to get anywhere. That means that if Randy was 10 feet from a hamburger, he’d be lucky to have it in his hands within the next hour. You can’t really expect the judges to know this though, as they’re too self-involved in planning their next “real” fight that they don’t pay much attention.
Tiffany Christensen was up next, singing “Here For the Party”. She tried to seduce Simon by screaming “get me some” while making some humping motions, but she forgot that Paula was the one who sleeps with the contestants. Simon just makes inappropriate comments about wanting to be their microphone in another life. It was a small mistake, but a costly one for Tiffany.
The judges also passed up on the next Whitney Houston, Amanda Berg. To prove that she was indeed the next Whitney, she tackled Whitney’s timeless classic, “Can’t Fight the Moonlight”. Personally, I loved it, but Simon gave her a .5 out of 10. I mean, anyone who aspires to be a cracked out former celebrity who makes Bobby Brown look sane is all right with me.
I’ve seen some flawless performances on Idol, but never had I seen performances from Flawless. Luckily, Nick McCord dropped his boring name for a more stripper-esque moniker. Flawless even packed over 10 outfits just for the audition. He knew for sure that he would be on a plane to Hollywood and would need some costume changes. Unfortunately, the judges didn’t understand his brilliance, and they sent him back to memorize the line he wrote for his business.
Inventor Ben Hossback is one clever guy. First, because he’s so smart, he ironically chose “If I Only Had a Brain” for his audition song. Secondly, he invented a coaster that spills drinks all over you if you don’t put your drink directly in the center. I have plenty of those boring coasters that don’t spill drinks, so I’m planning on ordering some Hossback originals as soon as he mass markets them. And lastly, when he was turned down by the judges, he asked Paula to marry him. Realizing that this proposal would mean that she would actually have to act her age for once, Paula abruptly shot him down (but she did not shoot the deputy).

THE CONTENDERS

Garet Johnson was a confused young man that made it to Hollywood. I mean, he’s from a small town in rural Wyoming and he has never sang for anyone but a turkey. I think we all know why Garet went on the show, though. Clue #1- Garet is a cowboy from Wyoming. What movie just came out about cowboys in Wyoming? Clue #2- Garet wants to “come out” and meet people because he’s never been “out” before. Clue #3- Garet chooses to sing an Elton John song for his audition. Give up? It must be impossible to find a boyfriend in a town of 4 people. He wants to use this experience to fly to Hollywood and be taken advantage of by some of the other male Idol contestants. Well, good luck, Garet. We’re rooting for you to have your first gay experience in Los Angeles. Isn’t that cute! Besides, with your singing, you’re gonna make an excellent VFTW pick.
April Walsh also lit up the VFTW meters when she sang “It’s Oh So Quiet” by Bjork. You may remember April from yesterday; she was the one who got on the wrong escalator. For that reason alone, she deserves mention here. Her eccentricities will obviously prove to be entertaining for the cause.
We finally also saw pre-show pimpee Ace Young. He sang “Swear It Again” by Westlife in a mediocre fashion. He’s a shoe in for the top 24. How do I know this? Paula was practically dripping with excitement as he sang. Even Randy seemed to be wet with enthusiasm about Ace’s “register” (Simon pretended not to be interested, even though he secretly pined for some Ace lovin’). I think, though, that Ace is sly enough to do what he needs to do to make it far in this business, hint hint. With his overly rouged cheeks and his greasy hair, he’ll make the young girls swoon. With his shaky voice, he may eventually make VFTW cheer.

FALSE IDOL OF THE WEEK

Crystal was our honoree yesterday, so who will she share the title with today? To be the false idol of the week, you need to sing in the style that VFTW loves, but you also need to have some attitude. Luckily this week, we struck gold again with Zachary, a guy who looks like a girl. Zachary was just misunderstood, because he’s actually a guy. A man even. Unfortunately, the judges were cruel to him for no reason. He obviously looked like a guy in his low cut shirt, flashy belt, and high heels. He also tackled the masculine, testosterone pumping hit “Queen of the Night”. Yet, they still thought he was a girl. This is understandable on Simon’s end because he probably hasn’t ever seen a female up close. When the judges cruelly kicked him out of the audition, Zachary complained that America was racist and prejudiced against him. Since Zachary looks white, and we all know that looks are deceiving here, it’s probably safe to say that he’s actually Korean. And when was the last time we had a Korean Idol? (Margaret Cho doesn’t count). Elton John was right, this show is racist, and I’ll be writing a letter to him to discuss this after I finish my letter about that cake stuff from yesterday. Make sure to check back next week, as we visit the bustling metropolis of Whatever the hell town they said, North Carolina!

First off, I must say I thought I would be majorly disappointed after the first half of the show. People like Mandisa and Paris really performed well. And I wouldn’t say that about Paris unless it was true, because I still hate her pug dog looking face for making fun of Brenna. But there were some excellent performances tonight. The second half of the show, though, was VFTW-tastic:

Bucky sucked majorly on “Oh Boy!” Really, it wasn’t memorable enough to write much about. At least he did pick a good song for himself, he just didn’t perform it well. Maybe he should have axed America about chill’run or something so people would remember him.

Lisa Tucker is delving more into VFTW territory with her terrible up-tempo performances. This week was her most off-key performance ever, as she is proving that she can’t sing a song with a tempo faster than a heartbeat. “Why Do Fools Fall in Love” was absolutely terrible, maybe one of the worst vocals on the show tonight. She has 2-3 more weeks tops in the competition, if any at all.

Kevin went for the Granny vote again by singing “When I Fall in Love”. His dorky persona is exactly why I love him, and he did us all proud. Then, Idol showed us how much they love VFTW by showing Jasmine Trias in the audience. Jasmine got to pass the VFTW torch on to Kevin. Simon also told Kevin that he knows his audience (VFTW) and that his audience would love that performance (we did). Simon is a closet Worster (why do you think he pimps out Kellie?)

Kellie’s performance was a disaster from the start. First, VFTW has to give a special award to Kellie’s makeup artist for making Kellie look like a cheap whore. Then, she suddenly had a brand new accent that she went in and out of in her song. Her vocals weren’t as bad as normal, but the accent was so ridiculously funny, it deserves mention. She then proceeds to drop her microphone and cause static because she’s an idiot. Then, the producers turn off her mic and she finally picks it up and tries talking into it. This is VFTW personality at it’s finest. Her stupidity, fake or real, is so ridiculous. Kellie does not need American Idol. She needs school. Did this moron pass the first grade? And that’s why I love her!

Ace Young was off key again on “In the Still of the Night”. The judges loved it because they are deaf. Now that I have finally figured that out, it makes this all so much easier. Paula just wets her panties and then thanks Ace, Randy is turned on by Paula so he thanks Ace, and Simon was bribed by the producers so he thanks Ace. Then I realized that the judges are blind too. They called Ace sexy when he was just waving his arms around and looking like an idiot. Then again, Paula thought Corey Clark was sexy, so maybe someone just needs to teach the judges about sex appeal.

With that being said, the official VFTW prediction that I feel like making is that Elliott, Kevin, and Bucky will be the bottom 3, and that Bucky will go home. We’ll see what happens, folks. I can’t ever predict Kevin will go home, and hopefully you all voted enough to help keep him around.