Hello, worsters! Are you happy yet? This is the final week of the crap-on-a-stick that has been Season 11 of American Idol. Not only that but this week's performance show is only an hour! I suppose they're saving for when they run 493 minutes over during tomorrow's finale, as is the annual tradition. I'm going to help by jumping right into the performances.

Phillip won the coin toss and smartly chose to go second, so Jessica is up first with Simon Fuller's pick, "I Have Nothing" by Whitney Houston. This is appropriate, since they're milking Whitney's corpse in order to let another corpse sing. This is a typical Jessica power-ballad performance, which means that she had a few really awesome notes floating alone in a sea of boring. Way to coast, Jessica!

Oddly enough, the judges are being forced to STFU until the end of the round. Have they learned nothing from Paula's Season 7 gaffe, when she critiqued Jason Castro's song before he had actually performed it? Oh well, at least we get to jump right into Phillip's song, which is "Stand By Me" by Ben E. King, which Simon Fuller loves to give to people he wants off the show, such as Josiah Leming. However, Phillip is taking to the song like he takes to a Dave Matthews song, which he does by turning Stand By Me into a Dave Matthews song. None of the above matters, though, because I know the Phrauen are eating this up like it's a giant bag of Phillip-flavored, dick-shaped Cheetos.

It's time for the finals and it's been a long road to get to what VFTW accepted long ago, that the winner of this show is going to be a White Guy With Guitar for the fifth year in a row. Everyone in The Philippines has their million fake accounts ready to vote for Jessica but all of Phil's more senior fans are ready too, unless they've fallen asleep by now. And tonight's show has an extra bit of excitement as VFTW pick Phillip Phillip looks sicker than ever and can collapse at any moment. Our two finalists come out and Jessica is appropriately dressed for such an occasion, while Phillip is appropriately dressed to bury a corpse. There are three rounds tonight, meaning three times the boring ballads and three times the WGWG. Jessica's up first doing Boring Ballad #1 I Have Nothing and this is reminding me of The Philippines as this is something you'd hear in any of it's ten million karaoke bars. Jessica's singing relatively nicely, although I think even now Whitney could perform this with more energy. And if Whitney were alive to hear the needless growling Jessica's added to this, she'd probably say Crack is wack, and so is Jessica!

It's time for the Top 3 and we get to see our Idols' hometowns tonight so get ready for lots of overweight people dressed like slobs. Here come the judges and J-Lo's wearing a pants suit from the Hillary Clinton line. The Top 3 come out and Joshua and Jessica are dressed like they're going to the prom, but VFTW pick Phillip is dressed like he's going to clean a toilet. There are three rounds tonight and for the first one the judges are picking the song that best fits the performer, and they hit a homerun by giving Joshua something from a black screechy diva who was relevant 40 years ago. Joshua's singing Etta James' I'd Rather Go Blind but with all his over-the-top melisma, I think I'd Rather Go Deaf. Or, as Joshua's singing, I-I-I Ra-Ra-Ra-ther Go-Go B-B-B-B-BBBBB-BLIND!!!! And as it's Joshua, you can almost see the judges moving their chairs back in anticipation of giving him their mandatory standing ovation. But I'm not sure how much they're helping him by all celebrating how he's a throwback, something that could've been said about Taylor Hicks.

It's Queen Week and if Freddie Mercury were alive to see how his former bandmates have sold out his image, he'd kill himself. There are 6 contestants left and we're told they're fighting it out to become Music Royalty, just like Lee DeWyze. We see Queen giving advice to the Idols, and the best advice they could give to them is to save their money so they don't have to lower themselves to this level when they get old. Tonight's first performance is a group one with our Idols joining Queen to do a Medley of their songs that Disneyland wouldn't have for being too cheesy. After the massacre is finished, Jessica goes first tonight. Just in case you didn't catch it the first ten million times we were told, she 16!1! She's doing Bohemian Rhapsody and Jessica has been cloned into three robots, and it's not easy differentiating the robots from the real thing. Trying to cram this epic song into a ninety second performance is like trying to swallow a large pizza in one bite, although Randy Jackson doesn't see what the problem would be with that. Steven tells Jessica that rock isn't your forte, which was a nice way of saying that sounded like Pebbles Flintstone singing Metallica. And we see why Jennifer Lopez is paid $10 million to judge singing as her advice to Jessica is to do more head shaking and running around the stage.

We're down to three contestants, which means I'm back to doing live recaps for the remainder of the season. It also means that this is the point in the show where the producers and judges get to pick the songs, meaning that someone's getting forced to do songs that don't suit them, while the other get to do boring ballads.

Oh, joy. At least this season is over in eight days.

Round one is the judges' pick. W'Tasia is first, and Randy has picked the Etta James song "I'd Rather Be Blind" for him. This is a perfect pick, since Etta rose to fame in the early 1960s, just like W'Tasia should have. And that's about all the snark I have, because he's doing a really good job at tackling the song. He even threw in some Fantasia screeches for me. Thanks, W'Tasia! Steven said that it was "another Joshua moment", which I more or less agree with. J Lo managed not to utter the word "goosies" for two seconds. Randy calls him a "classic stylist", which translates to "not marketable in 2012". I mean, he's a great talent, but trying to make it on the throwback thing is a major long shot if you're not a woman (see: Adele, Amy Winehouse, Duffy).

It's the Top 4 and you know things are getting serious as the judges shoved extra hard tonight on the contestants they want to throw under the bus. Randy looks like an ice cream vendor, one who ate their entire stock. Round 1 is songs from acts from California, people like Rebecca Black, Willow Smith and Katharine McPhee. Phillip is up first so we won't have to wait long to find out how the show is going to try to sabotage our pick this week. Phil seems to be really getting into the California spirit tonight as he's acting like he's smoked some of the state's finest herb. He's doing a CCR song and even five months into this show I'm still amused by how ridiculous the name Phillip Phillips is. Phil has no guitar for this performance so we get to see the best dancing on TV since Elaine on Seinfeld. Phillip is either trying to add as many Oo-Oo-Oos as possible to this song or he's just passing another one of his kidney stones. And Idol may have found its first star in about 6 years...Random Hot Saxophone Girl!

Note: This is the second of two fictional recaps that I've written, as I won't be able to recap the live shows until next week. I'll be back then my usual 'real' recaps. Until then, enjoy.

We're back after the best week that American Idol has ever had. You're probably wondering, "How? How could this show possibly get any better than it was last week?" Well, what if I told you that the theme this week is "Songs From The VFTW Worst Songs List"? What if I told you that rumors have been flying all week that the new judges might bail soon? And what if I told you that even though Joshua turned out to be Fantasia herself, the producers are allowing her to compete as Fantasia? I guess the show felt that a second Fantasia win is better than the vast majority of their first wins have been.

Note: Due to some traveling that I will be doing over the next couple of weeks, I've written a couple of fake recaps to tide you over until my return. After all, anything is probably an improvement over the real show, right? I'll be back to recap the actual show on May 16th. Until then, enjoy the following fiction.

Here we are at the Top 5, and it appears that American Idol has finally gotten its act together and made some radical changes to the show. First of all, the judges were fired; taking their places are Keith Richards, Courtney Love, and Kanye West. Then, Ryan announced that performance shows would be only one hour for the rest of the season! And last but not least, in light of Fingerbang's massive fail as the show's fashion coordinator, this week's fashion coordinator (and mentor) is Ke$ha! She's probably the most VFTW artist alive when it comes to fashion, so this ought to be amazing. And get this...our theme this week is "Popular YouTube Songs". VFTW victory!

There are only 5 contestants remaining to battle it out to see who will be the next completely unmarketable American Idol. Tonight's first round is songs from The 60s, a time when most of this show's viewers were getting ready to retire. The judges come out and Steven Tyler is grabbing J-Lo's arm and she has a look like she's being held captive by Hannibal Lecter. This show can't even get a star to mentor anymore so they have to settle for a backup musician, Little Stevie Van Zandt, who ain't so little anymore. First up is Hollie doing River Deep, a song VFTW has developed an affinity for as it was the song that got Pia Toscani booted when the judges pushed her to do an uptempo! Little Stevie says this is one of the most exciting songs of all time, which is ironic as Hollie is one of the least exciting performers of all-time. Little Stevie tells Hollie she shouldn't think about all the crap Jimmy, the judges and everyone else has been telling her, which is again ironic because all Hollie does is get confused by the flood of conflicting advice she's been getting all season. Idol has hired a bunch of dancers for what I believe is the first time, completely conceding defeat to shows like X Factor and The Voice. Hollie's running around the audience and these bunch of dancers are following her like a cloud of dirt follows Pig Pen. And it's a miracle as Hollie is actually showing a pulse after being comatose for 4 months. All it took was a Tina Turner song, a dance troupe, 20 background singers yelling and a 200 piece band blaring loud enough to be heard on the moon.

Here we are at the Top 6, and I have to say I'm feeling a little better about this show. Firstly, the save was given to Jessica two weeks ago, meaning there's no way she's going to wind up winning. Then, we lost Colton last week, which was amazing. Americans are turning into worsters, and based on the past couple of weeks, so are the contestants, the judges, and the producers.

Jessica...YOU'RE NEXT!

The two themes this week are Queen and Contestants' Choice. To me, this means that the first hour is going to be awesome, as in awesomely bad, and the second hour is going to be insufferably boring. If that's true, it'll still be the third best performance show of the season. Sad, isn't it?