Canadian Idol 6 - Top 3, Bryan Adams Week - "Mitch, Theo and ummmmmm..."

Some of you may have missed the point last week when Anne Murray was featured for two days that Canada is the lamest country ever so CTV has decided to reinforce that point tonight as it’s Bryan Adams Week. It’s Labor Day and every day’s a labor for the person who has to haul in the grease for Ben’s hair. Ben asks Jake what the Idols can learn from Bryan Adams, and Jake replies that you’ll get terrible pockmarks if you pick at your skin too much. Ben tells Farley it’s been a long road and asks what he’s learned and Farley says that thanks to Mark Day and Mitch Macdonald, he’s learnt that there’s ALWAYS a worst. Ben reminds us this season (and series) is coming to an end and asks Zack what he’ll do after having no one to humiliate on National TV but Zack’ll be able to take the flaming to an international level once the most Worster judge ever comes home and can be comforted in the warmth that is votefortheworst.com.

Drew Wright’s up first and it’s like a family reunion as Drew resembles the lovechild of Bryan Adams…and a dog. Drew’s first song is Cuts Like a Knife and what really cuts like a knife is that a contestant with no distinction beyond being a tiny hairy troll has made the Top 3. Drew’s trying to shed hair every week by cutting, shaving and waxing but he’s also shed any sense of personality or life. Jake, after 4 months, has finally figured out who Drew is, and if the show were on for another four months I might actually remember Drew’s on it. Zack found the performance Limp, but not as limp as Zack’s pot belly. But nothing’s as limp as the arrangement that Drew’s done for his second song, I’m Ready. Drew’s been trying to channel his inner David Cook with his re-arrangements but he’d have a better chance of being like Cook if he shaved his head and gained about 90 pounds in his gut.

Theo Tams has the second spot and it’s his vision of Hell as he’s forced to do songs tonight written by a male whether he likes it or not. Bryan hasn’t stuck around this long by being a dumbass and it only takes him about one second of seeing Theo standing for him to tell him to sit his ass down. Theo’s first song is Heaven but it’s more like a VFTW heaven, full of goat vibrato, phony dramatic pauses and never ending melisma. Sass says that it would be difficult for anyone to fault that…anyone but VFTW. Farley wants to pre-empt Zack’s usual inference about Theo being gay, inferring that Zack is instead. While Theo must do songs written by a man tonight, at least he’ll get to do a female part as he’s doing When You’re Gone for his second song, although I'd really need to see a vagina to be fully convinced Mel C is a woman. Theo’s getting smart as he distracted my flaming of him for a second last week by standing on his piano. Bryan Adams helped out the VFTW cause by setting me up by having Theo sit for his first performance, but sneaky Theo is back for his second performance as he’s standing and behind a piano. I can almost hear him thinking C’mon STP, mock me now! Sure Theo, I’d be glad…your second performance was hideous.

We all know that CTV hates Mitch MacDonald as they gave him the Death Spot last week…and failed miserably…and know that VFTW getting him to the finale would be a disaster so tonight the desperation is really transparent as they’re trying the ‘ole reverse psychology by giving Mitch the pimp spot. And if Theo’s in a tight spot by having to do songs written by a man tonight, Mitch is just as screwed as he has to do songs that have been heard by more than three people. Our pick is rehearsing with Bryan and it’s as if Bryan asks Mitch why VFTW has made him their pick as Mitch lets out a whiney wail like his nuts got caught in his guitar pegs. Mitch’s first song is Heat Of The Night and he’s trying to be angry for this performance. But, alas, Mitch is as scary as a chipmunk and as dangerous as his Cape Breton natives when they are passed out on their sofas holding their bongs. Mitch is doing When You Love Someone for his second song and things can only go up after his first hideous performance. Or he can suck just as much, as one who sings every single song as a whiney bitch for twelve weeks is probably going to do so for a thirteenth.

We’re coming to the end of this season (and probably series) and VFTW has had another banner year in Canada, with Mark Day and now Mitch Macdonald having great runs. But Brunton continues to take his jabs at us and none was bigger than he one delivered tonight by giving me the three lamest contestants ever to write about. But fear not as the grand finale, and one of my favorite blogs, is only a week away as some of the biggest stars will cater to VFTW as we will have the ultimate melisma screechy whore Mariah Carey, Brina Melo will finally take off his hat and show the world the hate tattoo on his head and Jacob Hoggard will do his entire performance naked as VFTW’s favorite trainwreck ever will come to a crashing halt, but not before one final VFTW Victory as we are just one week away from a chipmunk being crowned the next Canadian Idol!

STP (smarterthanpickler)