Louisville Auditions - You're Going Back To Hollywood, Little Plants

Well, we’re in Louisville. But it’s the same damn show. Within the first minute, the trumpet player tells Kara to put the trumpet up to her lips and blow. He knows her well. Before the episode is up, we’ll get more sob stories and about 10 zillion plants, including the infamous Joanna Pacitti.

Tiffany Shedd looks like a crack whore, sounds like a crack whore, and by golly, should be a crack whore. Is she? Who knows. But if she is, it makes me love her more. She’s a fun crack whore, like the one who gives little kids her leftover needles so that they can play doctor. Tiffany promises that if she doesn’t make it, she’ll leave with a positive outlook. Thankfully, she goes back on her promise after butchering “Hero”. After being rejected by the fearsome foursome, she yells that she wasn’t given a second chance. To capitalize on this second chance, Tiffany sings “Because of You” to us, the lucky home viewers. But you know what? Even though she can’t sing, Tiffany is a smart girl. She leaves and says, “I’ll never watch the show again. They’re not looking for talent. They’re looking for nerds and freaks.” She’s right, folks. Give Tiffany a gold star. Or a used needle. Whichever she prefers.

Like a black cloud hovering over a kids’ playground, Joanna Pacitti decends on Idol. If you know nothing about Joanna Pacitti, you should read up. She doesn’t belong on the show. Joanna doesn’t hide her back story, explaining that she moved to LA at 16 and had previous industry experience, but she still seems whiny. It looks like she’s lost some weight and her face looks like a scary moving skeleton. What happened? She was prettier a few years ago. Or was that Photoshop? Joanna explains to the judges that things didn’t work out for her with her label and Simon asks, “So it was their fault?” Of course it was. People like Joanna and Carly are never in the wrong. She sings “We Belong” and she does have a decent voice. But I can’t get past the fact that her face is so freakishly thin looking. Also, it’s hilarious that her job is listed as “unemployed.” No one will hire her. The judges say yes, Joanna cries and says, “I can’t even breathe right now” (who else was hoping she’d pass out?), and Randy yells, “Welcome back to Hollywood!” That basically encapsulates the season right there. “Welcome back to Hollywood.” “One of these people will have a second shot at fame.” “Who didn’t blow the execs well enough last time?” You catch my drift. Kara then makes sure to mention that Joanna’s tears are real. Can I roll my eyes any more?

Mark Mudd has a string of bad luck in his life. The worst event of all was the fact that he appeared on a third rate television karaoke contest. His audition is boring and then the judges try to make something out of his comment, “Be careful in whatever you do” as he leaves. It was barely a threat, but Paula freaks out and tells him not to say that to people. The horse tranquilizers are making her paranoid. THAT was worth all of the previews? Seriously? I hate this show.

Back to the plants, Brent Keith Smith and his creepy, flesh-colored beard are up. His plantiness isn’t played up like Joanna’s, so maybe the producers want him to go far? He sings “Can’t Get Enough” and Paula is surprised that he had that in him. Simon thought the song was ridiculous and wanted to see more emotion, adding that Brent’s performance was “buskerish.” Kara tries to get a word in edgewise but Simon won’t allow anyone to take the spotlight from him. To combat this, Paula and Kara go under the table. You may think you know what happened under the table, but you don’t. Here’s the secret conversation.

Kara: I’m so horny right now, Paula. Help me out here.

Paula: Huh? Edfionfwqwfmwqd.

Kara: Paula, seriously. Where’s that vibe I borrowed yesterday?

Paula: Fwdnwjwokljwfqwklfjw.

Kara: Fine, give me some of that stuff. At least I can be a horny drunk.

Brent goes to Hollywood (again). Shocker. Simon also asks, “Is it me or is the show getting weirder this year?” It’s just you. The show has always been this terrible.

Dueling pianist Matt Giraud is up next. And oh my, he’s got a goaty, nasaly voice while singing “I Don’t Wanna Be.” Normally I say “fake rocker with the goat vibrato, you won’t get our votes,” but this guy isn’t a fake rocker. I have a feeling he’s going to be completely terrible down the line so he could be a VFTW dark horse. He probably won’t make the voting rounds, but if he does, I sense some horrible suck in him. So I like him! Kara says Matt has a good tone. Simon says that Matt reminds him of Elliott Yamin. Yes, because both sound like they’re pleasuring a goat while they sing. But Matt is much, much worse and much, much funnier. Since he’s off to Hollywood, I say, “Go, Matt!”

Super nerd Ross Plavsic describes himself as an academic. He arranges Chinese characters according to radicals. Paula doesn’t understand this, because she can’t see why anyone arranges anything besides pills by color. Ross has studied his favorite opera greats so he can mimic their technique, but today he has a scratchy throat. After singing poorly, Simon asks Ross what he would sing after he won the show, and he replies, “probably whatever I just sang if I won the show.” Good comeback, I like this guy! Paula offers Ross a sip of water and then freaks out when he uses her straw. If only he were as smart as Rhonetta and didn’t drink off of her. Kara asks Ross to take off his tie, because as always, she’s horny. As he leaves, Paula is disgusted. Not because Ross drank from her cup, but because her drink wasn’t nearly strong enough. Someone is going to get fired over that one. Ross immediately collapses and dies from the overdose of pain killers in the drink once he gets home, but Paula barely blinks.

Alexis Grace, a 21 year old stay at home mom, has been pursuing music since she was 2. She sings “Dr. Feelgood” and man is she overdoing it. Alexis screams and contorts her face into strange positions, making her very VFTW. Simon says she has a very commercial face, and I agree… for one of those Febreeze commercials where the people smell really bad odors. Paula takes about an hour to get out the sentence, “I’m going to… say… absolutely… yes.” Looks like the new drink is just how Paula likes it. After Alexis gets her golden ticket to Hollywood, Kara tells her to “dirty herself up” and “make love to your fiancé.” Really, Kara? Can someone just her Constantine Maroulis? One night of sex with him and she’ll be cured of feeling horny ever again. Alexis is embarrassed at Kara’s inappropriate comments and asks if that will be shown on TV. The answer is yes. Here’s how the Idol producers decide what will be shown on TV:

Does it make you look good, but you have no previous record industry experience? It won’t be shown.

Does it make you look funny or personable? It won’t be shown.

Does it pander to the lowest common denominator? It’s being featured in the previews.

Does it involve crying, boobs, swearing, or injuries? It’s being played during every episode until the show goes off the air.

Aaron Williamson likes to scream and wants to be America’s Next Top Idol. Nothing of note happens during his audition except Kara screaming, “God, I feel good.” Someone should edit together a video of her being super horny. They could charge $39.99 for that and a pack of condoms.

Rebecca Garcia was on the morning news to talk about trying out for Idol. Apparently Paula was watching the news (when you’re hopped up on uppers, you can’t sleep) and recognizes her. She sings “Before He Cheats” and Kara starts to laugh. Kara accuses Rebecca of being a joke audition because she was voted “most humorous” in high school. This causes Rebecca to start crying. See? Tears. And real ones, unlike Joanna’s. Idol loves embarrassing people and showing that stuff. Since her audition wasn’t a joke, Kara feels bad. But that’s only for 2 minutes, after which she feels ready to find a contestant to sleep with. Rebecca asks her mom if she should give up singing and her mom tells her not to. Some moms are just cruel.

Kris Allen, Felicia Barton, Ryan Johnson, and Shera Lawrence make it through and we hear about 5 seconds of each of them singing. If Rebecca hadn’t been humiliated, we could have seen more. What a good choice the producers made.

We end the episode with another sob story. Can’t we ever end the episode on a funny note? And why do people with horrible lives always try out for Idol? Seriously now. Leneshe Young says that life hasn’t been easy for her because she’s been in and out of homeless shelters. She sings an original song called “Natty” and she’s actually pretty decent. The judges call her current because they have no idea what she’s saying when she uses slang. Simon calls her quirky and fun. He also reiterates that she’s current. Yes, finally the show attempts to have someone current on the show besides Blake “I’m current when I rip off stuff from the 80’s” Lewis. Please don’t sing 80’s songs, Leneshe. Kara calls her brilliant and says she does her own thing. Paula says no, and then says, “I was kidding!” The drugs make her crazy sometimes. Leneshe is off to Hollywood to learn how to spell her name correctly.

19 made it to Hollywood, yet I was thoroughly bored. Can Jacksonville’s episode be any better? Probably not, I saw nothing interesting in the previews. Oh well. Let’s get to Hollywood or voting already.