Jacksonville Auditions - Besides Julissa? Next.

Well, I hoped that this episode would be good. But of course, I was foolish. This show is never good. And the Jacksonville auditions were probably the worst yet. Only one person really entertained me. The rest were too busy reading the producers’ scripts about how Jacksonville was named after Randy Jackson. Seriously? That’s the best line the show could come up with? I don’t think I can do this anymore. I guess I’ll have to wait anxiously for the return of VFTW Queen Von Smith and his specrapular melisma. Because this episode was so bad, I will cut off my commentary on contestants when I get bored of them.

Joshua Ulloa is our first contestant of the day, and he says he’s compared to Justin Guarini a lot. And he thinks that’s a good thing. I bet 50% of you reading this have no idea who Justin is. He was the runner up to Kelly Clarkson on season 1 of Idol because the people who watched the first season of AI were blind and thought he was attractive, and now he waits tables because he has no talent and no one likes him. Joshua has a great role model. He sings “Let’s Get It On” and adds in some ridiculous sound effects which distract the judges from his mediocre voice. He’s way over the top, his goat vibrato is set to high, and he’s beat boxing. I love it! Randy calls him entertaining and the judges say yes. Josh is a definite VFTW possibility, but I doubt he’ll make it anywhere near the top 36.

Crazy fundamentalist Sharon Wilbur comes to audition with her dog, Sasha. She sings “Superstar”, and she reminds me of Kimberly Caldwell. Same voice from smoking way too many cigarettes. Same crazy eyes. Same look of desperation that she would do just about anything or anyone to become famous, even David Cook. Gross. To offset Sharon’s nastiness, the female judges start making out. Finally, Kara gets some. Now will she stop calling the contestants cocky and ballsy? Sharon makes it to Hollywood, which I’m fine with, because you can just tell this girl is a bitch who will fight with everyone and make VFTW proud.

Kaneswa Finnie (I have no idea how to pronounce that) has a lot of confidence. She channels this confidence into a horrendous performance of “Caught Up in the Rapture of Love.” Simon says that it got progressively worse but that he loves her smile and personality. Kaneswa’s mom says that her daughter can sing, but she fails to add the word “poorly” to the end of the sentence. I do like the family though. They don’t get too upset when Kaneswa doesn’t get to Hollywood and don’t put much stock in the judges’ opinions. Smart family. But I’m bored. Next.

The lone highlight of the night, Julissa Veloz, is a beauty queen that is very strange looking. This makes me love her. She wants to be the first Latin American Idol with her sash that says “Candidata.” It means “Paula is a drunken mess” in Spanish. She decides to sing “I Have Nothing” (please don’t sing Whitney… please) and does a decent job but oversings, much like any Idol contestant who sings Whitney. Simon says Julissa was better than he thought she’d be, and she makes the song sound nice. This causes Julissa to laugh, and she has this hilarious man-laugh that makes me love her even more. Julissa calls herself, “quality entertainment.” I agree. Kara says she is on the edge of her seat to see what Julissa does next. Paula leaves the room in a scripted dramatic moment when no one will listen to her. Ignoring that, Julissa goes to Hollywood to do her man-laugh and act silly some more. Yay! She even barks as she runs to get her ticket. Quality entertainment indeed.

Darrin Darnell runs around the audition room, full of personality. He even met his new boyfriend at the auditions, some guy named Devin. But when Devin is cut, Darrin can barely smile, because now they can’t cuddle in Hollywood. This leads him to cry in his audition. Oh God, this is so boring and contrived. He’s cut off. Next.

Naomi Sykes has a friend who loves the judges, which somehow leads to Ryan sitting on Kara’s lap. Seriously. She is one horny bitch. Her audition of “Loving You” is lame, Simon calls it funny, Naomi cries… Didn’t Kara just do that same thing last week? Stop recycling your scripts, Idol. Boring. Next.

Jasmine Murray actually brings back a little fun to the show, as she’s trannytastic. She has 3 older sisters and an older brother. Her mom also announces that both she and Jasmine were supposed to die when she was pregnant due to something or other. Thankfully this doesn’t become a sob story with slow piano music. Jasmine sings “Big Girls Don’t Cry” with a nasaly voice. Simon calls her cute and commercial. Randy says there’s something going on there. Does he see her Adam’s apple? Either way, Jasmine seems fun and like someone that should probably get to Hollywood, so I’m OK with it.

George Ramirez can’t decide if he loves music or physics more. Next.

Ann Marie Boskovich loves Kara DioGuardi and that Kara is unbelievable. It’s true. I can’t believe a human being can be so horny. Next… wait. Someone likes Kara? I’ll give it a little more time. Ann Marie actually knows one of Kara’s songs, but it’s not “Open Toes” unfortunately. She’s boring and the judges want her to come back with a makeover. Do I care? No. Next.

T.K. Hash auditioned last year but didn’t make it. That’s his entire backstory? Apparently the producers don’t want him to do well. But he does have an awesome name. So many possibilities for jokes. I hope he sticks around just for that reason. He sings “Imagine” and performs it like David Archuleta. Seriously. Even Paula says that he’s using Gaspy as inspiration and T.K. agrees that it’s true. When you use a gasping prepubescent boy as your inspiration for a version of a song, you really should just shoot yourself. There’s no hope for you. I can’t watch this. He makes it to Hollywood, but I’m sleeping. Next.

Michael Perrelli wants to be this season’s Josiah, the talented but struggling musician who cries a lot. He plays guitar wherever he goes and he can’t see himself doing anything else with his life. Suddenly, it dawns on him that he cannot play his guitar in the audition and he freaks out. Don’t worry, Michael. One of the judges is really fucked up, another speaks a language that barely resembles English, the third is too busy looking at his own reflection in the mirror, and the fourth will be too busy picturing you naked to hear you sing. So you have nothing to worry about. After singing “Jumper”, I only have one comment: his belt is sticking out over his shirt too much and it’s distracting. I paid attention to that rather than his singing, so I don’t know if it was bad. It probably was. After the judges give Michael a bit of criticism, he starts begging and crying, and the judges get even more sick of him. Michael is rejected, so he acts like a good Josiah clone and cries. He then wins the Douche of the Episode award by pushing his mom away when she goes to console him, telling her, “Don’t touch me.” Wow. This kid is a loser. Why waste time on this audition?

And to end the episode on a boring note, Ann Marie is back. This is how the episode ends? Jacksonville must have had nothing but corpses come to audition with the crap that was featured. Ann Marie decides to take lackluster to a new level by singing a song by the ultimate queen of boring, Colbie Caillat. This does help me though, as I made a bet with my boyfriend that at least 2 Colbie Caillat songs would be sung on Idol this year. He said the show wouldn’t put her music on, but I knew that boring white-bread crap that makes you fall asleep is exactly what this show thinks is interesting. I’m half way to winning my bet. Does Ann Marie make it? I think so. I turned off the TV.

Tomorrow, we get to the Salt Lake City auditions, where I warned you months ago that we were going to have to deal with the Osmond family showing up. Can it be any worse than tonight’s crapfest? Probably not, but then again, Idol has surprised me before with its lack of awareness.