Episode 5: worst Idol episode ever with no capital 'W'.

This was the worst Episode of Idol Ever and not in a good way.

Well, this season has hit a new low.  Not in a train wreck exciting blood and gore way.  Or even in a horrible singing, making fun of the handicapped way either.  We've hit the nadir of this season and possibly the worst episode in 8 years of Idol, including Beatles Week Part Deux from last year.  And THAT one was terrible.

How bad was it?  All of the bad singers were dull and lifeless.  All of the "good" singers were forgettable and not good enough to be interesting or bad enough to be a Worster.  Okay, blond highlight afro dude could easily be a Worster, but that was the only highlight of the show and that happened in the first 5 minutes.  All of the comedy sketches were too long and painfully unfunny.  This episode was like boredom on a stick.  Nothing you haven't seen before on Idol. -------

First I need to mention the "comedy" sketches.

The show starts off with a laugh-less bit of Ryan and Simon sharing a limo.  Thankfully no French kissing.  Then there was the oh so long bit where everyone sat on everyone else's lap and an actress was hired to be Randy's only fan.  Then there was the scene with Ryan "lost" in the wilderness of Florida on a golf cart.  Oh, what a laugh riot.  Tee Hee.

1. Justin Guarini 2.0 -- Goofy dork with a blonde highlighted 'fro who strikes gangsta' poses and sings like a girl.  He's a passable singer.  We'd vote for this asshole.  He says he tries to look like Guarini to be "more memorable."  Great, his idol is some long-forgotten tool who right now is on a terrible show where they bring in horrible non-celebrities to teach them how to sing Country music.  Because Idol has taught the world that Country fans are so stupid that they'll buy anything with a slide guitar and the words "The South" on an album cover.  And the Producers have so much contempt for Country music that they think it requires no roots and no integrity and it's just something that can be learned in three weeks.  And it's hosted by that Nashville Star judge from Big and Rich.  Dude, could you sell out your beloved musical genre any worse than these two shows?

2. Shitzu Shannon -- Annoying blonde girl with a cute dog.  She sings the "Don't You Love Me, Baby" Carpenter's song in an overwrought Idol approved manner.  It was fine except for the nasally and affected "baybaby, baybay, baybay" pronunciation.  Does she have to bring the dog to Hollywood?

3. Miss Latina USA -- She looks like a dude in a wig, and therefore would win any season of "America's Next Top Model."  Her singing is acceptable.  Simon mocks her annoying laugh and Paula goes AWOL again looking for something to sniff, inject or imbibe.  Haven't we seen this before?  Oh, right, we have.  Just last week.

4. Dancing Darren - A smiling young man with creepy undertones.  His trying to "mesh in" include stunts like tonguing a shitzu and licking some girl's hair.  Darren gets verklempt because his buddy of two hours didn't make it to Hollywood so that he can barely sing his song.  I don't need to mention that crying BEFORE you sing is always a bad sign.  Kara offers Darren a moment to collect himself.  "I got to sing" says Darren.  Then he does, terribly.  It gives me time to notice the crappy day-night editing.  Watch carefully as it's dark outside the window behind the judges, but for Kara's obviously edited reaction shot it's bright daylight.  Then back to darkness again.  This crap never went on during Nigel's watch.  Okay, I'm kidding.  Idol always had terrible editing.

5. Naomi the Spazz, with her "friend" Samantha who happens to be Randy's only fan.  Naomi is so bad her "friend" is laughing at her.  Somehow Naomi is so delusional she thought she could sing.  Then Simon does that "oh, you weren't joking" bit that went over so well from last week.  Damn, Idol.  Last week sucked, you don't need to repeat it.

6.  Jailbait Jasmine -- Cute as a button 16 year old who has a sob story and sad music, so you know she makes it.  She sings fine in an over the top way.  She's Paris Bennet 2.0.  

7. Unibomber George -- Some science major nerd with a beard who you know just showed up as a joke.  He's boring and they let him go on for hours.  And he's not funny.  This segment, like the shitzu one and the lap-sitting was not funny at all.  Seriously, Idol Producers, if this is the best crap you could scrape together from months of auditions you need to STOP IT!  Find something more exciting to air, like maybe a test pattern for two hours.  Or Randy Jackson's greatest hits album.

8.  T.K. Hash -- Generically handsome guy that reminds me of Anwar whats-his-name, without the dreds.  I'm informed that T.K. auditioned before.  I certainly don't remember him, and I still won't after tonight.  He sings Archuleta's version of "Imagine" so I hate him.  T.K. has a good voice though.  There is some hemming and hawing with the judges who finally decide to let him through to Hollywood.  Come on people, he was easily the best singer of the night.  Randy gets the bullshit line of the season when he brazenly declares that T.K. over-sang the song and added a bunch of vocal decorations. I know, I did a spit take too.  "Sometimes it's okay to just sing the melody" declares hypocrite Randy.  What incredible crap from the world's biggest Mariah Carey apologist.    T.K. picked a great year to audition with the terrible talent we've seen so far.  If Idol was a true singing contest he'd be a lock for final 12.

9. Busker Michael -- Some dork with an acoustic guitar, which he's not allowed to use.  He starts crying and freaks out BEFORE he starts singing.  Michael hits all the right notes, but Simon automatically doesn't like him, for some reason.  Michael apologizes and he starts digging a hole of shame as he begs to go again.  He doesn't get a second chance and Simon declares: "I don't accept this."  Right except for all the other times people have begged their way to Hollywood, THIS SEASON.  Then Michael loses it and starts huffing and puffing and whining.  He even flinches when his mom tries to give him a consolation kiss.  Okay, so that's why Simon hated him.  He's a tool.

10. AnnMarie -- A plain-jane girl who is Kara's only fan.  She sang two bars of a Kara song earlier and was right on pitch, but for some reason the judges declare that she's not ready, so they go through a long, drawn out bit where AnnMarie gets some make-up and sluts it up a bit, to find a new character to play.  They bring her back at the end of the show, and she sings well.  She gets to Hollywood of course but her going away and coming back was absolutely pointless.  If she sucked she wouldn't have been allowed back.  So if the judges knew she was a good singer why do we have to go through this whole charade?  All it proves is that they're just looking for attractive people who wear a lot of make-up.  Singing is optional.

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Did I mention this episode was total crap?  I can't wait for Tomorrow's Salt Lake City show.  Not because we get to see Archuleta remind us how bad his gasping has gotten, but because it's the last week of terrible singing auditions.  Unless Idol is lying to us.  It wouldn't be the first time.  I think history has born out who was right about Season 7 not being "the most talented season ever." Yeah, it was me.  I can say for certain that we've seen some of the worst singers ever get a gold ticket.  So clearly the Idol talent pool is as empty as that case of moonshine in Paula's garage.

--Chan