Salt Lake City Auditions - Grate the Parmesan, Please

We open up the Salt Lake City auditions with Paula telling us that this is the city where High School Musical is filmed. Wow, what an accomplishment. It’s also the home of the Osmond family. And guess what? Randomly, an Osmond decides to try out for Idol. What a coincidence! David Osmond, son of Alan, nephew of Donny and Marie, talks about his plantiness, but then switches it up to add in his sob story about having MS and previously being wheelchair bound. Didn’t see that curveball coming. But when he sings “Something Within Me”, he’s definitely an Osmond, cheese and all. The melisma is turned up to Von levels and his voice is quite grating, probably because it’s so cheesy. Get it? Cheese grating? See, I pulled an Osmond style joke. Kill me now. The judges all don’t know about him. Kara says that when he adds too many runs to his song, it doesn’t tell us what kind of artist he’ll be. Here’s a hint, Kara. He’s an Osmond. And as if his audition wasn’t already a waste of time, he pulls the “I didn’t get a ticket… oh yes I did” fake out.

Tara Mathews is labeled as the only goth in Salt Lake City, but she doesn’t want us to judge her by the cover of her book. She does, however, have ESP and can predict when people are going to die. Too bad they cut out the segment where she talked to Paula’s liver and easily predicted the coming doom. She sings “One Day I’ll Fly Away” and it’s predictably bad. Simon calls the whole thing horrendous and says she sounded like a baby. Tara then predicts that he will die during this season of Idol. Or at least I wish she did. Then there’d be a reason to tune in. As Tara leaves upset, she yells at the camera with her middle finger extended- “Blur it out, blur it out!” Any way I can get the producers to blur out my memory of this season starting?

Chris Kirkham brings his friend Greg the bunny in to get on TV. This is a talent competition and not a reality show, right? Wrong. Not even worth mentioning. What is worth mentioning is that some girl holds up a sign that says “I taught David [Archuleta] everything he knows.” So you taught him how to gasp, wheeze, and ruin songs? You should never have told me this. You made this show even worse last year than it had to me, Random Sign Girl. I will make sure your parents take away your allowance for at least a year. Randy also says that the judges should move to Salt Lake City because it’s nice there. Simon would fit in to the closeted gay community, but Paula would clearly suffer with the ban on alcohol and drugs. That’s like water and food to her species.

Frankie Jordan is a stay at home mom who claims she was born to sing and that she knows everyone will love her. A little cocky there, Frankie? She sings an Amy Winehouse tune, probably because she’s trying to be Amy but without the track marks, rotting teeth, and fish breath. Simon likes her because she has a cute face. Paula calls her definable because she’s singing a song exactly like someone else did, which apparently defines her. She goes through and Seacrest announces, “Frankie goes to Hollywood.” The cheese is palpable. It’s grating on my nerves. So I guess I have to keep it up.

Because Idol is at a loss for originality this year, we get mother #2 next in Megan Corkrey. Megan recently got a divorce, but her son’s laughter helped her through it. She also must be someone the judges are supposed to love, because the “cover the tattoos on your body during auditions” rule didn’t apply to her, just like it didn’t apply to Carlyplant last year. She sings “Can’t Help Loving That Man of Mine”. She’s quirky and sounds like a weird Broadway actress, but it’s not bad. Paula’s drink sporadically kicks in after the audition to make her say, “I kind of like you… bordering on loving you… OK, I love you… bordering on obsession… will you get me a drink?... no?... back to not liking you… no wait... yes… no, I don’t like you… release the hounds.” Simon says it’s one of his favorite auditions because she’s one of the ones he’s going to remember. She clearly goes to Hollywood, and I’m OK with it. Because I can just tell she’s not going to do well with the behind the scenes machinations of Idol. She’s going to be shocked and appalled, and if she makes the top 12, she may be playing to us soon enough. No seemingly sane person can survive… The Producers. Dum dum dum. Go, Megan! Or not. Ryan says that the discovery of Megan has the judges in a good mood and sets up a hot streak. That much pimpage? What did this girl do, blow the entire production staff?

Austin Sisneros is an annoying Archuleta clone. He’s all golly gosh gee happy and he’s the student council president, don’tcha know? He also looks like he’s 12, so the frauen and tweenies are probably already orgasming over him. Nasty. Austin tells us that he’s auditioning to inspire people and tell them that it’s OK to follow their dreams. I learned that from a bumper sticker, Austin. Teach me something new. Like why I have to sit through boring auditions like yours when I could be pulling out my eyebrow hairs one by one. He sings “When I Look to the Sky”, and when that doesn’t go over well, he switches over to what he calls “an old soul song… It Takes a Village by Raffi.” Raffi? Old soul song? Seriously, dude? What are you, like nine? Is Full House a cheesy sitcom from the age of the dinosaurs? Is Paula Abdul is a living fossil? Wait, the last one is true. So maybe Austin is right. Randy likes something about him. Kara likes his face (seriously). Paula says he’s “charming as everything.” Simon says he’s good for his age, so they let him through. Thank God this one is cut in Hollywood, because I wouldn’t be able to stand his ridiculous fan club. Austin’s Awesomes? Sisneros’s Hoes? I don’t know what they’d call themselves, but it would inevitably lead me to lose faith in humanity.

Ryan then tells us that, “the bad auditions blowed through like a cold mountain wind.” Blowed? Seriously? Dude, you can afford a dictionary. We are then treated to a Jorbacca song as people cry that they’re cut. What’s worse than hearing a Jorbacca song? Seeing a Jorbacca clone. And here comes one now.

Taylor Vaifanua is basically Jordin Sparks number 2. She’s tall. She looks like a linebacker. She is dressed quite unfortunately in ugly clothing. She looks much older than 16. And she seems really annoying. That means she’s guaranteed a spot in the top 36. Randy, because he has to mention every underage contestant’s age, says, “You remind me of Jordin Sparks who has 16 when she auditioned.” Randy reminds me of my great uncle Lou, who had permanent brain damage from an accident and now makes little to no sense. It’s amazing that Randy could accomplish this without an accident. Jorbacca 2 sings “Joyful, Joyful”, because if there’s one thing we don’t get enough of on Idol it’s songs about God and Jesus. Please… sing more for us, Taylor. Taylor makes creepy faces when she sings, just like Jordin. At least we can screencap them and laugh. Kara says to her, “I was impressed by her because I saw her in the bathroom a few times… practicing. Yes, we were practicing. That’s it.” Creepy bathroom stalker. The judges love her, she makes it, and I’m sure we’ll be mocking her for months to come until she eventually loses. If there’s one thing 19E doesn’t need, it’s another Jorbacca. Can you imagine the catering bill?

To end things, we are introduced to Rose Flack. She’s 17, and again looks much older than that. She lives with her best friend’s family because both of her parents died. She doesn’t want to go back to Idaho without her golden potato, I mean ticket. Cheesy? Yes. But remember the theme here, people. Salt Lake City. Simon immediately says that Rose looks fantastic. Rose immediately calls Chris Hansen and sends him an anonymous tip. She sings “I Feel the Earth Move” and she’s really not good at all. She has a fun tone to her voice, but it’s too shaky and odd to sound good. That’s good news for VFTW though, as we love people with sob stories who can’t sing. That’s how we succeed every year. Simon’s mouth hangs open like it did when he heard Fantasia perform “Bore Me” last season, so apparently he either finds Rose awful or Chris Hansen needs to hurry up and respond to that tip. Simon again says she’s one of the few he’ll remember. I bet he says that to all of the jailbait that he pus through to “Hollywood.” Randy obligatorily mentions hr age and says she has a cool vibe. Rose is through, and VFTW is excited because she’s pretty bad and will be someone we can vote for later.

Tomorrow night we get two cities: New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico, because no one showed up in Puerto Rico and Idol is embarrassed. But this episode tonight was at least a little better than the last few. Not that it’s a huge accomplishment to suck less than last night’s show. But hey, at least we got some good VFTW potential here.