Episode 6: Raped by a Giant Pink Rabbit

I was bamboozled.  I stupidly thought that this was the final bad singing episode.  But oh no.  We have two more crappy hours with the New York, Puerto Rico double dip tomorrow.  Eegads.  

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We start this show off with a Girls Gone Wild Drew Carey looking guy who flashes his saggy man-boobs.  Too bad we didn't get to hear him sing.  But 5 seconds of GGW Drew already makes tonight more entertaining than the terrible Jacksonville show.  Then again, it's like saying stepping in dry dog crap is so much better than stepping in fresh dog crap.  It's still shades of crap.

1. Speaking of crap -- David Osmond -- He of the sketchy soul patch.  He comes armed with his milquetoast entertainment family heritage, a Playboy Playmate looking girlfriend and a sob story.  You see David's Dad who looks and talks like Louie Anderson has MS.  And so does David.  And therefore David is representing the entire Osmond clan's pride on Idol.  Hell, he can't embarrass them more than Marie on "Dancing With The Stars."  David can sing, which is to be expected from someone who has been performing since they were four years old.  I guess they have lax child labor laws in Utah.  David sings "There's Something Within (My Pants)" a Christian Rock song (not the last one tonight) with a country twang.  He's not bad, but he's not good either.  No wonder he gets cut in Hollywood.

2. Scary Tara -- A 300 pound fake goth girl with pink hair, black mini-skirt and matching garters.  Actually her outfit is the most remarkable thing about her because she's terrible, but not in a funny way.  Tara takes her rejection in stride, even though she can't walk in her 6-inch fake goth stilettos.  She flips off the camera, as she should.

Quick montage of three bad auditions that are all funnier than the entire bad hour of Jacksonville night.  We have Goat Vibrato Queen, Giant Shatner-singing style Girl, and a Mystery the Pick-up Artist Clone with Fabio hair, violet sunglasses on his forehead, scary cross-eyed stare and lascivious lip-licking that would make Constantine weep with envy.  Goddamn you Idol.  We want more of Mystery the Pick-Up Artist Clone With Creepy Lip-Licking.  I'd watch an entire season of these three people staying in a house and living their dream of becoming failed musicians.

3. Chris, a Will Parnell looking guy who comes equipped with Simon T-shirt and Simon-puppet.  Oh, and Greg, a gigantic bearded dude in a pink bunny outfit.  Anyhow, Chris doesn't seem too terrible but his hopes and dreams are crushed just the same.  Then Greg The Giant Pink Rabbit rapes Simon.  If they ended the show here I'd call it the best episode ever.  I might even tune in tomorrow to see if Simon survived his gigantic Bunny turking.

Seacrest warns us that "Coming Up... Megan blows the judges!!!"  But I might have heard that wrong.

4. Frankie Who Is a Girl-- and she loves her some Amy Winehouse.  Her 4th rate Winehouse impression gets raves from the judges.  Paula: "You have a very good voice."  Clearly they've never heard Amy Winehouse before because Frankie was mediocre with a scratchy, unpleasant voice.  I like the Winehouse album, but I'm sure in real life she sounds like broken glass on a harpsichord, and she could STILL sing Frankie under the table, and probably snort Paula under there too.  I predicted the "Frankie Goes to Hollywood" joke.  I could write for Idol.  

5. Megan -- A pretty blonde with an entire haunted castle tattooed on her arm.  She as a pretty weak sob story, that she's a divorced single mom.  Boo-hoo.  You and 60% of all marriages should win Idol.  Megan sings in the proper affected Idol style and hits about 60% of her notes.  The judges rave, because she's pretty.  Call me cynical but I'll enjoy it when Megan slowly falls apart like Brooke did last year.

6. Andrew The Barbershop Quartet Nerd -- NEXT.

7. 12 Year-Old Austin the Class President -- We see a video of Austin in his remarkably deserted school.  It looks like he's the class president of 3 people.  Austin is kind of like a cross between Kevin Covais and Archuleta.  Austin sings not one but TWO Christian Rock songs.  He's the Archulater 2.0.  He gets a golden ticket, then cries afterwards.  What is it with all of these total pussies who audition for Idol?  

Next up is a crying montage.  It's not funny.  Then there's a montage of a whole season of crappy singing sped up and condensed into 30 seconds.  See, why couldn't we have done that with this whole goddamn season so far?  And then they could've just aired the further adventures of Goat Vibrato Queen, Giant Shatner-Singing Girl and Mystery The Pick-up Artist Clone?  They have ratings gold in the palm of their hands and they don't even know it.

I had more fun typing that sentence than I did watching the entire Jacksonville episode.

8. Jorbacca 2.0 -- AKA Taylor Vaifanua -- Like Jordan she wears too-small shirts that accentuate her gargantuan frame.  Or maybe they don't make Pop Music star outfits in size Godzilla.  I jest of course.  Taylor is just really tall, and doesn't have the girth of Jordan, nor the singing talent.  She sings "Joyful Lord" or some sort of Christian Rock nonsense.  The Idol odd moment of the night comes when Kara admits to liking Taylor's gumption.  Kara: "I saw you a few times in the bathroom rehearsing."  Okay, this is puzzling because A) Did Taylor use the special Plant bathroom that they share with the judges?  Or B) Just how many times did Kara go to the bathroom, and how many of those times was Taylor in there "practicing?"  I'm going to enjoy riding the Taylor Hate Train this season.

9. Rose -- Cute girl with natty fake blonde hair.  Simon is instantly smitten by her Rainbow Brite dress.  Rose has a sob story and video footage of her playing with a puppy and if they could get a good shot of her riding a unicorn over a rainbow they would've showed it to us.  Rose is a mediocre vocalist.  Oh, and Rose, if you have to announce to everyone that "I'm charming" then you're probably not.  

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Oh thank The Joyful Lord that is over... but wait we have a bonus TWO HOURS of horrible singing tomorrow.  So I could watch that show or watch "The Office." Hmm, that's a tough decision...

I know I'm in the minority with my hatred of sob stories.  But I don't care about these people's hard lives.  I care if they can sing.  Well, okay I don't really care if they can sing either.  I just want them to sing badly.

--Chan