New York and San Juan Auditions - Wait... I Actually Liked These People? Am I Alright?

You know what? I actually liked this episode. I know, right? Knock me down with a fucking feather. But New York City and Puerto Rico brought us some totally awesome VFTW picks, so I can’t complain. For once, I didn’t want to shoot myself while watching the show. Now mind you, I did get bored in parts. The producers clearly still have no idea how to put a television show together. But it’s like they’re finally trying a little harder. So good for them. I’ll get them a big boy ribbon and an ice cream cone! I do have to warn you though, I don’t make as many jokes this time around because I actually enjoyed some of these people. More snark to return in the next recap.

Since I started off on such a positive tone, I’m gonna now go negative here. The first auditioner of the evening is Adeola Adegoke. She quit her job to go on Idol because she’s so confident. Yes, she’s an idiot for thinking she can sing. But the reason she’s so confident is because the producers have been telling her, “You’re exactly what we’re looking for” (notice how they never say she’s good) so much that she thinks she’s a shoe-in. That’s just cruel. And I’m sure the producers all spontaneously ejaculated when Adeola told them that she quit her job. They get off on that shit. After she butchers “And I Am Telling You”, Simon is told by the producers to help her get her job back so that he looks kind. Staged. And besides, this same thing happened a few seasons ago. Idol needs to stop recycling storylines and starts recycling the bottles Paula leaves behind in her dressing room. At 5 cents a bottle, they could make millions!

Jorge Nunez is a flaming teenager from Puerto Rico who reminds me of a Hispanic Sanjaya. Love it! He sings “My Way” in Spanish and he has a pretty good voice, but like most Idol contestants, he’s overdoing it. After the judges are torn, he sings “What a Wonderful World” in English. Kara told him that she didn’t like his pronunciation issues when he sing in English. Hey Kara, it’s not his first language, you dolt. Who cares? She only doesn’t like him because he doesn’t bat for her team. Simon agrees with me (that’ll never happen again) and says he doesn’t mind the accent. If they wanted someone without an accent, they would have gone to Omaha. He’s through to Hollywood, and I can tell he might actually be a lot of fun. They’re letting through a lot of flaming gay boys this year. But hey, VFTW loves the entertainment. Good times!

Jessika Baier flew from Michigan to San Juan to audition. That seems cost effective. She previously won World’s Most Beautiful Baby (the picture was bad) and wins singing contests all around the country to support herself. OK, yeah, she seems full of herself. But when she sings “I Surrender”, it’s not bad. Sure, she’s screaming the song, but she’s better than Von Smith. Instead of giving her constructive feedback like, “If you didn’t scream, you would sound good,” Simon calls her absolutely awful. But it wasn’t. The judges just want a reaction out of her. The judges keep pushing her buttons to get her upset, and they win. That’s just cruel. The girl can sing and they purposely put her through to kill her confidence. This is why VFTW exists. The show is needlessly malevolent, so we come in and make it the mockery it deserves to be. I hope Jessica converted into a Worster after that farce, we’d be proud to have her on the site.

Melinda Camille is fourth, and she wants to uplift humanity to positivity. What is she talking about? She clarifies… she likes to dance naked in her room because it relaxes her soul. Oh yeah, I get it. You go, girl. She says that she’s down for any experience that can bring enlightenment and happiness to her. First of all, don’t try out for Idol if you’re looking for happiness. And second of all, Craigslist has a whole section on their site where you can advertise that you’re down for any experience. People will take you up on that one. In fact, I have a feeling you’re going to have an out of body experience with a drunk, a slut, a midget who reeks of cigarettes, and that creepy guy who stands there and yells “We got a hot one here” the entire time. Run. Now. As soon as Melinda walks in, Kara immediately says, “Do you wish you could be naked right now?” Seriously? Who is slipping the female Viagra into Kara’s drink? Oh, that’s right, probably the drug supplier to her left. Melinda sings “Feeling Good” and the judges all like her, so she’s through to Hollywood. I would like her too if she would make the top 36 and perform naked. That’s enough to earn you the VFTW pick no matter how you look or sound.

Jackie Tohn exposes herself as a plant right off the bat, and I like that about her. Despite the fact that her resume is as long as Plantciti’s, Jackie has a personality and a presence about her that I appreciate. She sings “I’m Yours” with a cool, deep, raspy voice that isn’t always good, but is completely interesting. She then sings a second song the same way. I could get used to her, because the tweenies and frauen will not get her at all and will be extremely mad if she makes it. The judges are slightly torn, so Jackie asks Simon what direction she should take next. Simon starts laughing, so Jackie uses her mental powers to cause part of the window to fall on the judges. This bitch is awesome! I could see liking her as long as she doesn’t sell out to the show and start singing crap Celine Dion songs.

Joel Contreras calls himself a “crazy rocker”, which easily transitions him into screaming a song about selling ice cream. This guy is fucking nuts, but I love it because I believe it and… here’s something radical… he’s actually funny. He’s not lame like most of the nutjobs on the show. He enters his audition as an iPod and sings some songs. He sounds a lot like Marc Anthony, but he isn’t that good. Honestly though, he’s not much worse than some of the idiots who made it through so far. Simon calls the audition everything he hates. So Simon hates humor. I now get why he doesn’t understand VFTW. Joel then pisses off Simon more by breaking out a lion puppet, getting down on his knees, and singing “The Circle of Life.” Every contestant should take Joel as an example and see how he emanates awesomeness. This dude is just doing things to piss off Simon now, and that is everything I love. When Joel is told no, he screams, “I got a no!” and jumps into the pool. This guy was robbed. He deserves his own show every week. I’d turn off Idol and watch it. Just throw Tatiana, Von, and a few of the others on, and classic TV would result every week.

Nick Mitchell also wants to entertain us with his alter ego Norman Gentle. He’s less funny than Joel, but you have to appreciate a queen who belts out “And I Am Telling You” and camps it up to piss off the judges. Even Von didn’t have the balls to pull that one off. After Simon insults Nick, he complains that Simon kicked him in a place that some people kick. Simon quips back, “I would have thought you’d quite like it” and Nick, in full head tilt mode, says, “The way you like it when Seacrest does it?” Yes, now that’s what VFTW likes. We love that backtalk. To prove he can sing and not be funny, Nick sings “Amazing Grace” but still adds in his diva movements. Nick is growing on me more and more as his audition goes on, and I absolutely love the fact that everyone but Simon says yes to him. There’s no way he’ll make the top 36, but he’s going to at least be fun in Hollywood.

A bunch of nobodies sing next, but I’ll mention Kendall Beard since she’s in the top 36. She’s an Interchangeable Blonde Whore of the highest degree it seems. Because I remember nothing about her except that she was blonde.

Monique Garcia Torres, who is OMG16, brings her little brother Christopher to her audition with her. Smart move because he’s actually adorable. She sings “You Can’t Hurry Love” and “I Turn To You” decently, but she breathes too loudly (shades of Gaspy?) Simon wishes she had picked a song that was more in her range. Monique smartly ignores Simon, remembering that he loves crap like Leona Lewis. Kara isn’t sure that her voice is fully developed yet. Kara then goes to look for some guys who are fully developed so she can show them her pink ticket. She makes it to Hollywood based purely on the fact that she has a cute brother. I don’t hate her, because she could bring some drama in Hollywood when she forgets the words.

Alexis Cohen, last season’s glitter girl, is back. Normally I hate people who audition twice, but Alexis is cool. She knows this show is stupid and she goes out of her way to milk it for all its worth. I can respect that. This year, she pretends to be reformed and polite. Her finger for Simon isn’t the middle finger anymore, it’s a thumbs up. Alexis, I don’t want to let you know which finger Kara expects if you want to make it to Hollywood. She sings “Like a Prayer” and it’s clearly a joke. Last year she was decent. This year she’s just awful. On the way out, Alexis returns to her lovely self and gives Simon the finger and calls him an asshole. Alexis tells the bewildered production crew that she has thousands of people across America supporting her, what should she do now? Well, you should come to VFTW. We’d take you in. I like your style.

The last audition of the night goes to Patricia Lewis Roman. She’s auditioning in the same place where her parents were married and her grandmother got totally wasted. No really, they said that. I bet Kara picked the exact spot where her parents did the nasty so she could sit there. She seems twisted like that. Patricia sings “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” and it’s not very good, which is why I like her. She seems to have a spicy personality hiding underneath the Idol good-girl story. Simon says the song choice was crazy since it’s harder to sing that song than the Whitney ballads. When Patricia switches it up to sing a Spanish ballad, the judges say yes (except for Paula, who is too busy trying to figure out why the purple cheeseburger sang in Spanish) and she makes it to Hollywood.

So basically, subpar singers and people with gimmicks made it to Hollywood tonight. That makes this the best audition episode of the season! I even liked almost everyone. How does that even happen? I hate most of the people on this show. Apparently, I’ve gone soft. But don’t worry, since now we’re off to Hollywood week. I love Hollywood week because I love the bitching, the drama, the awfulness, and the character development. Whoever causes the most fights or makes the most viewers angry will likely become the new VFTW pick, so let’s get a move on and see what happens! And I promise I won’t love everyone in Hollywood. But I’m sure it will be impossible to hate my favorites like Tatiana and Von. So much potential there.