First Day of Hollywood - "It’s On My Skin and Bursts Out of Me Every Time I’m On Stage."

147 random singers that were decent at blowing the judges have made it to Hollywood. Ryan calls this year’s talent unbelievable. I call it decent. There were some decent people tonight that made me root for them. There were some obnoxious people that made me root for them even more. There were some complete train wrecks. And then there’s Von.

What I liked:

Dennis Brigham sings “For Once in My Life” and makes some ridiculous faces. After immediately being cut, as anyone with common sense expected, Dennis freaks out. He asks the judges what kind of message they are sending to America and then tells them they suck as judges. You’re right, Dennis, and I’m so glad you decided to go out in a ball of flames because it makes VFTW love you. Dennis then insulted Simon’s cheap pants (they’re not cheap, he’s just rubbed them against Seacrest’s carpet too many times) and cheap shirts (they accentuate his manboobs). He also says that America will be mad that he is cut. America won’t be mad, but I am. Think of all of the drama we could have had!

Nathaniel Marshall, who basically has VFTW written on his face in herpes, finally gets some screen time to sing some song about being an anchor. He then starts sniveling like a baby to get a sob story out about what a hard life he’s had. Yay, go for the sob story, Nathaniel! The more you cry, the more votes the morons at home will give you. He then says, “It’s on my skin and bursts out of me every time I’m on stage and I don’t know why.” And he’s not talking about the herpes. He’s apparently talking about music. Whatever he’s talking about, he starts fighting with people tomorrow, so I am smelling some VFTW gold. And some herpes.

Von Smith steps out on stage and makes me wonder why I’ve forgotten how much I love him as a VFTW pick. He screams and overdoes yet another song. This guy is awful. He’s over the top. He’s ridiculous. He’s comical. He’s untalented. And he’s a complete train wreck every time he opens his mouth. Simon calls it indulgent nonsense, a horrible song, a horrible performance, really annoying, and the sort of thing a child would do when he’s learning to sing at age 10. Oh well, guess he’s going home… But no! They keep him. What the fuck? I can’t explain it, but apparently VFTW now controls Hollywood week. Von is exactly what we look for in a pick, yet after 2 terrible performances and 0 good performances, he’s still around. Maybe this season is going to be awesome after all.

Further proof that VFTW is running this show is the continued presence of Nick Mitchell. Nick is the stand up comedian who called out Simon on his lust d’Seacrest. Nick channels his Norman Gentle character again and sings “And I Am Telling You” again, camping it up because he knows he’s going home and he just wants to have fun. But does he go home? No! Randy calls him hilarious and Paula wants to see him stripped down (doesn’t Kara say that stuff now?) so they vote him through to the next round. If the producers can keep this up, I may have found a new favorite television show. At least for one week. They’ll find a way to fuck it up.

Jackie Tohn also makes me happy, with her strange growl when she sings. She’s good but strange, so I’m likin it’. She also lets us know, “when the camera is on me too long, I start doing stupid stuff” and continues to say strange things for a whole minute. She reminds me of the fabulous Brenna Gethers, so I hope she starts a fight or two or at least slaps her ass a bit. Randy says she’s wild and Paula says she really remembers her, and she’s through to the next round. This is easy. I should have sent one of those people with the walking sandwich board signs that says “VFTW” on it to the auditions. The producers probably would have put them through this year. That, or a person in an ice cream cone outfit. I could make so many puns about that one. And Kara would enjoy the dripping.

Speaking of letting just about anyone through, Katrina “Bikini Girl” Darrell also makes it. The girl does have a good voice, but she makes the female judges angry every time she steps on the stage. Katrina wisely chalks this up to Kara’s insecurity about being a terrible songwriter and having a big nose. Katrina sings “Breathe” and immediately Kara attacks her for having a thin voice. Paula joins in, and Katrina fires back that she just needs music around her because it would make her sound better. I don’t know if saying that your voice would sound better hidden underneath music is the best defense to prove you can sing, but I’m not expecting intelligence from Katrina. I’m expecting fabulousness. Simon says that the women judges have not fairly critiqued Katrina, and Randy agrees. Katrina wisely keeps talking back, because that makes me love her more, and she makes it through. If she can keep up the drama, at least until she’s inevitably cut, she will still be one of my favorites.

Kara also tells Matt Giraud, the so-awful-I-love-it piano player, that he has an instrument. Why does she spend all day looking at these guys’ crotches? Most of them are hideous looking. Where does Idol get its male talent from? The pound? Seriously. Alex Wagner-Trugman, Anoop Desai, and Adam Lambert also make it through so that they can bring the VFTW goods later.

What I didn’t like:

Lil Rounds decided to scream “I Will Always Love You”. But unlike Von, Lil’s screaming is boring and not funny. The judges wet themselves over her screechy performance and Kara calls her “bold and brave” as well as “hot.” Kara mistakes Lil’s performance for one of her hot flashes.

Jasmine Murray sings poorly, but not in a fun way either. She sings “The Trouble With Love Is”, but it’s more like “The Trouble With Breathing Is” as she gasps for air like she’s David Archuleta trying to get out of his cage. Seriously, who teaches these kids to sing?

Danny Gokey and Jamar Rogers make it through. Jamar is decent on “California Dreamin”, but Danny is boring on “Kiss From a Rose”. Please don’t tell me he sang a song with the word “grave” in it 500 times because of his dead wife. At least he’s not bringing that story back up yet, but I’m sure the producers will encourage him to do so at every given opportunity when he’s in danger of not making the Idol tour.

Jessica Furney is cut, which was obvious since she’s not a plant. Oh well, I liked her. Sharon Wilbur is cut, which sucks, because I wanted to see a batshit crazy meltdown from her once before she left. Patricia Roman is cut and no one cares.

Jeremy Michael Sarver is far away from oil fields, and apparently that’s his sob story. He misses his oil. He loves that oil like his own son. He dresses the oil up in clothes and takes it to church. He also takes the oil to visit all of the relatives of the Idol contestants who died so that the Idol contestants could have a sob story. What a guy. While he makes it through, Jesus Valenzuela isn’t so lucky. After he sings, Jesus is crucified by the judges. Judas isn’t impressed. After Jesus rises and is sent home, he says he needs to catch the first flight out of here and get back to work… healing people and spreading love. That Jesus, he’s a smart one. This show is definitely a waste of time. And I’m officially over making Jesus jokes, so it’s probably a good thing he’s gone. I liked him, though.

David Osmond makes it to round two without even trying. Shocking, I know. I’m just waiting for when the judges finally cut him down to size. Hopefully it’s soon.

And lastly, Emily-Wynne Hughes decides to switch up her song at the last minute and sing “Excuse Me Mr” instead of “I Put a Spell On You”. Yes, because we all know what a talented singer that Gwen Stefani is. She’s a real gem. The only thing that no-talent manface ever did that was good was let Sanjaya sing “Bathwater”. So to carry on the tradition, Emily just bores everyone to death. Paula says it was not the right song for her, but Emily advances anyway. Honestly, I see so much potential in Emily to make VFTW proud, but she’s floundering it but not even trying. She can make it up to me by urinating on the judges the next time the show airs. Otherwise, I’m kind of over her.

Alexis Grace, Brent Keith Smith, and Ann Marie Boskovich also make it without much fuss. I don’t remember Alexis, Brent is boring as shit, and Ann Marie makes Brent look like Sanjaya. Can we get some personalities from these people?

Tomorrow is the infamous group day and Simon rips into VFTW favorite Julissa Veloz. You bastard! Ryan also promises us drama like never before. Then again, he promised us unbelievable talent at the beginning of this episode, and the only person I heard that was semi-decent was Stephen Fowler.