Hollywood Week #1 -- "What's Your Name Again?"

Posted by Professor Chan on Tuesday, February 03, 2009 at 8:45 PM EST
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Hollywood Week #1 --


Well, that was a new low.  What a horrible episode.  147 people whizzed past our eyes in 60 minutes.  We actually see far fewer considering we heard just TWO singers in the first 13 minutes.  So that's why they ditched Hollywood week the past two seasons.  


This episode featured a line of people who would sing one bar of a song and then they'd be passed through.  The infamous, "the front row is safe" episode if you will.  And just to remove any small amount of tension, with one exception, any person featured in a "Remember who this person was?" bio video WAS SAFE.  The exception was Backflip Dennis who begged his way to Hollywood.  Then he gives a half-hearted "you guys suck" speech.  Oh, Backflip Dennis, with your below-average vocals and furious singing face.  You were scary and delusional, but not funny at all.


In fact the few delusional people who begged for their spots all went home.  Jesus with the precocious kids.  That one girl who sang in Puerto Rico.  Basically, sob story people who served their usefulness goosing the ratings for one episode each.


To make matters worse we saw brief sketches of random people who we've never seen before in Hollywood.  Look, it's the Hollywood sign.  And they're gone.  People crying, people hugging.  Who the hell are these people?  Why are we supposed to give one squirt for ANY of them?  I just don't get it.  They even sneak in an egregrious Car Commercial for the FROD [sic] Motor Company that lost billions of dollars last year.  Then when we'd come back from commercial we'd get a frigging RECAP of the same Nobodies who we just saw hugging.  Man, the recession is really bad when American Idol can't even afford to shoot new footage.  


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1. Speaking of recycled, Bikini Girl's horn-dog edited video with slo-mo ass shots was replayed IN IT'S ENTIRETY.  Remember folks, this is a family show.  When we see Bikini Girl in the present day she has apparently been starving herself since the summer and baked herself in a fry-cooker, and she STILL can't sing.  We'll still vote for her though.


Other Worsters that we see who get a bye through to the next round... (note we didn't HEAR most of them SING, but whatever.)  


2. Headband Dude (I didn't catch his name and couldn't bother to rewind)-- Hopefully he wears his Fame-inspired sweater-vest-skinny tie combo when he's in the Finals.  Headband Dude says "I really want this, it's like a rash on my skin."  At least I think that's what he said.  While I was writing my notes Anoop-Dawg, Jasmine and Rose were zooming past.  


3. Blonde Rose with natty blonde dreds, dirty feet and a maternity dress gets a full bio video of her trip to Hollywood.  And she's through, and Jason Castro's brother too, but without singing.


4. Worst Superstar Von Smith has a horrible audition.  He shouts, he turns pink and he's does wildly over-the-top vocalise runs.  And HE IS PASSED THROUGH!  Yes.  I'm doing that Mr. Burns/Dick Dastardly mad-scientist rubbing his hands together thing.  Excellent!


5. Steven Something-or-other -- Dude with a fro and an awesome voice.  I liked him a lot.  I imagine he makes the top 12 and goes home first.  Because he's a black male.


6. Blind Scott -- Mark my words, he is the NEXT American Idol.  He's got the sob story, but more importantly he's won awards and scholarships for his piano playing.  He's a stud.  I'll be rooting for him.  Not voting for him, of course because he's too good to be our Worst.  But we all secretly want a blind dude to win this.  And then hopefully next year with our help a deaf dude can be our American Idol.  THEN we will truly have passed a socio-political milestone.  


7. Nick "Norman" -- the Cabaret singing comedian who is so UN-Funny that he's hysterical.  Somehow HE GETS PASSED THROUGH!!!  Man, something good is in Paula's water tonight.  Awesome.  The show still blows, however.


8. JackieTohn?  -- She stands like she has broken doll legs.  She sings in the approved overwrought Idol style.  In a video later she declares eternal frienship with some girl standing next to her.  "What was your name again?" she asks her New Best Friend.  Indeed.


9. Danny Gokay -- He's got his sob story and mistakenly sings "Kiss From A Rose."  He has a raspy voice with no breath control.  He's kind of like Gaspy, but without the excuse of paralyzed vocal chords.  He's cannon-fodder, even though he and "Special Friend" Jamar get put through to the next round.  You don't remember Jamar?  He's the guy with the pierced cheek that looks like some insect burrowing into his skin.  Randy loves him, so you know he sucks.


10. Roughneck Jeremy is through.  He mumbles through his song.  He's not bad but he's going to suck on any week that isn't "Shouting-Mumble songs."


11. Some tall goober who I say out loud "Who is that cheeseball?" before I realize it's David Osmond.  I stand by my "Cheeseball" criticism, of course.  He is through, but as we know, he doesn't make it to the Finals.


That's it.  From the "Coming Tomorrow" montage we saw Beauty Queen Patricia made it, so she can cry.  I blinked and missed her tonight.  

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Somehow the ratings for the dismal Bad Singing Month was up!  What the hell are you people smoking?  I mean, the people who watch this for pleasure, and not as a form of self-flagellation.


Hasta La Manana.


=--Chan


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tulaplee
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 12:21 AM Reply with quote

Could Gokey do anything else to play the dead wife angle? I feel sorry for the man, but singing "Kiss From a Rose" was bizarre. Will he be singing "Seasons in the Son" or "I Used to Love Her, But Had to Kill Her" the next time we see him?
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gaziza
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 1:14 AM Reply with quote
Randy is fat

I thought Gorkey's friend Jamar didn't make it through.

But, like you said, everything went by so fast that it was hard to tell.

We've had what, five or six hours of Idol now? It is pretty amazing that there were so many people who I can't remember ever seeing. Granted that the time spent with the "Idol stylsts" may have changed some people who we saw only fleetingly in the past enough so that the faint feeling of recognition was obliterated. But even some of those who I know I'd remember didn't even seem to be there.

I thought it was funny when there was one group where they profiled two guys, and then showed them telling one to step back, and then the other. And then they were both through to the next round. But so was a girl who was somehow standing in the back between them, who we never saw sing and never saw getting bumped to the back.

At least they didn't short us on the Von crazy singing.

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manlambda
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 1:18 AM Reply with quote
Location: Maryland

What I thought was interesting as far as I could tell they didn't show one shot of this year's "sequoia". Was that because of all of the talk on the internet about her thanks to VFTW. Guess they figure out of sight out of mind.
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LiveLaughLove
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 1:28 AM Reply with quote
Location: USA

Actually Joanna Pacitti was on the show last night.... Maybe no-one caught it. She was in the Ford commercial/advertisement With Danny and someone else.... She was also shown in quick shots during the show.... But as for performance... Nothing. And they still have not shown Kristen McNamara.. ????? I thought they would at least show her considering they didnt even show the audition of her... Strange how they are not showing any of her..... she will be one of the ones who just pop up in the top 36 to perform out of nowhere.... Still wondering why...
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Papayafan
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 2:49 AM Reply with quote

So Kristen will be this year's Garrett? She seems too planty for that.
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Moxie
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 3:12 AM Reply with quote
Location: In the icebox.

I think much of the point of last night's show was to try to show America that the judges are impartial. "Yes, we caved on some sob stories in the auditions, or thought some guy's kids were cute, but we're really impartial and will send those people home now, because they're not really talented." Of course, that doesn't explain some of the people they let through, but you know Bikini Girl is just there for uncomfortable Seacrest footage. I actually thought last night was more entertaining than most, which is not saying much, but I kinda liked the blink-and-you'll-miss-it pace.
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FenderBender
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 3:28 AM Reply with quote
Village Idiot Location: in a village

Moxie, every little detail about that show is scripted and planned out. Remember the blogs from the former employee who sometimes had to work 20 straight hours without a break? I guess it takes a long time to script out something at that level of detail.

They finally showed our buddy Adam Lambert at the very end (not performing), along with three others. I didn't make note of the other three, but I'm thinking that Adam along with the other three were their most pimped contestants. I'm starting to hate him.
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tantrum
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 3:43 AM Reply with quote
Location: WV

Not too excited. I want to see more crying and meltdown ! LOL.

Dennif is just annoying.

Nathaniel Marshall just struck VFTW gold! Fabulous contender for manufacturing a sob story.

Von Smith - the only horrible singer that makes me laugh. VFTW contender.

Nick Mitchell - his schtick is actually entertaining. Sadly, Norman Gentle has no chance. Bikini Girl starts to bore me (unless she can take off her clothes) please cut her off. Not impressed with Matt Giraud.

Jackie Tohn is starting to kiss ass to be the designated rocker chick. I'm starting to dislike her.

Lil Rounds - Pimped to the bone with Paula giving a standing ovation for being a Diva. Overrated Whitney wannabe. I will only like her if she can kick one of the plant (esp. Pashitty) off the show.

Danny Hokey is starting to irritate me. Good song choice to show his "raspy voice and falsetto" but another overrated singer. Will like him too if he can kill the plants. I guess Jamar will start to hate him once he get cut.

Kara and Paula want to have rough sex with Michael Sarver so I have no problem with that.

David Osmond and Emily-Wynne Hughes will get euthanized soon.

The only standout for me is Stephen Fowler. But I doubt tards and fraus will like him.

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runuts251
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 3:54 AM Reply with quote

Does anyone else think that they end up cutting Osmond on purpose to show critics like us that they don't let all plants through to the finals? I am on to their game. With all of his connections, he doesn't need this show anyway right? How can they gush over him last night then end up cutting him?

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citizenstrange
Posted: 2/4/2009 at 5:23 AM Reply with quote
Location: Santa Monica, CA

What an asswipe of a show. The judges select less than 200 people out of thousands and thousands and thousands of auditioners to go to Hollywood and then F-List "talent" and used Kleenex Paula Abdul describes them as "dismal." Well who's the fuck fault is that? Seriously?

Remember, when "Idol" first started not a single A-Lister talent with even a shred of self-respect or dignity wanted to come within 100 miles of this stinking pile of shit so they had to scrape the slimy sludge off the undersides of septic tank dwelling snails to come up with the likes of Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson.

Oh ... and is it possible for me as an outsider to somehow officially change Randy's name to Randy "Dumbass" Jackson because Jesus Christ that dumbass can't string two intelligent words together which you would think would happen at least once or twice over the course of eight "Idol" seasons just by pure fucking accident.

He is truly one of the dumbest people I have ever seen in my life and the fact that he - with exactly zero skill or talent or smarts or charm or charisma or anything at all - lucked into being a mulit-millionaire hits me like a 220 volt jolt of electricty knifing through my testicles.

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