Hollywood Part 3 - Staring at the Wall for an Hour

So even though the cast is VFTW worthy, why the hell did we have to sit through an hour just to see 4 rooms hear yes or no? And why the hell do we have to sit through 2 hours tomorrow to see people in chairs hear yes or no? Oh well, it’ll all be worth it when Tatiana gets her spot in the top 36 and the tweens and frauen throw a fit. I love Tatiana Del Toro and I am not afraid to admit it. She will single handedly save this show if she can somehow make it to the top 10.

The entire episode was a very lame flashback that jumped from room to room. Apparently, Idol is catering to the ADD crowd this year, because none of these episodes seem to go in chronological order. And honestly, I don’t remember who was in which room and who did what. I don’t care. So I’m just going to talk about the people I feel like mentioning. The rest… not worthy of my time.

First is Tatiana Del Toro. She is always first because she deserves nothing less. This angel from heaven has graced us with her presence on the show and is single handedly keeping my interest, even with the other people I like. There could be 35 David Archuleta clones in the top 36 and I would still tune in to see Tatiana perform if she was the one other person. First, she gets a montage because she tends to add extra songs in each time she sings. Tonight, she performs “I’m Your Baby Tonight” and then correctly pats herself on the back for doing a good job. She actually has a really good voice in parts, but of course, her VFTWness doesn’t come from her singing. The judges mess with her and take her out of room 2 (a room that makes it through) and puts her in room 4 (another room that makes it through). When the other people in room 4 see Tatiana walk in, the reactions are priceless. Add to that the fact that Nick Mitchell (aka Normund Gentle) is in room 4, and they’re all convinced they’re leaving. Matt Breitzke even asks Kara, “That’s a no, right?” Classic. Tatiana is still keeping this show afloat. If the producers were smart, they would rig the show so she would come in 2nd place and be in every single episode. Her psychic told her she is in the top 12, so we must help her complete this goal. If not just for us and not just for the fact that everyone else in the modern world seems to hate her, because we have to help save a psychic’s career. And we can all cheer and clap when people cry over her survival.

I couldn’t tell which room Adam Lambert went into. And honestly, I am not watching this episode again to find out. But his rendition of Cher’s “Believe” made me like him again. It was pretty terrible. I do believe that we’ll see the inner queen once he makes the voting rounds. He claims that he wants to take songs people know and twist them. I can totally understand, because if I have to hear one more wannabe diva belt out Whitney, I will strangle someone.

Kai Kalama’s voice cracked and made him sound terrible. If his voice sounds this terrible after 3 days of singing, imagine 12 weeks. VFTW Victory!

Matt Giraud plays piano and sings “Georgia On My Mind”. He’s pretty bad, but not at all in an entertaining way. The judges nevertheless give him a standing ovation. Looks like he’s in the top 12.

Danny Gokey, also known as the guy whose wife died, sounds obnoxious as always. His irritating voice seems to grate more as time goes on, and he makes it worse by singing a terrible song like “I Hope You Dance”. That should make his granny fans wet themselves as expected. I can’t stand the thought of watching this guy make it to at least the top 4.

Jamar Rogers, also known as the guy who is friends with the guy whose wife died, sang “Hey There Delilah” and is equally as terrible as Danny. He’s been much better in the past, so maybe Danny is influencing him to get worse. Whatevia, I’ll take bad vocals from anyone but Danny. Jamar’s faces are comical and awful.

Anoop Desai sings “My Prerogative”. Good times, funny choice. But where’s the rest of the funny I was expecting? Anoop Dogg, you have to bring it more if you want my support.

Scott MacIntrye sings “Home” behind his piano. We’re quickly treated to a flashback of his audition where it’s pointed out how many times the blind guy sand the words “see” and “eyes.” After doing a bad job on an awful song, Scott beams, “I just found out Paula gave me a standing ovation, I didn’t see that.” No shit, you didn’t? I’m OK with Scott making the top 12 though so that we can see him wander off aimlessly during the group numbers.

Kendall Beard sings “Before He Cheats” and she’s pretty bad. Potential VFTW pick if our favorites all disappear? Maybe.

Kristen McNamara talks to Ryan Seacrest about Nancy Wilson’s meltdown and subsequent swearing rant directed at Kristen. Kristen says that loose lips sink ships (that phrase has nothing to do with swearing and getting angry. Wow, she really is an idiot.) Ryan then tricks her by saying, “What would you say if I told you that Nancy is behind you right now because she wants to apologize?” Kristen turns around and no one’s there. OK, that was kind of funny. Score one for Seacrest for messing with the dumb blonde. When Kristen performs, it’s even funnier. She screams “Because of You” and opens her mouth up wide enough to take the genitalia of all of the producers and judges at once. Clearly, this is how she survived up to this point. She’s awful, but I can’t see anyone (VFTW or not) supporting her.

Seacrest tells us that we first met Mishavonna Henson last year during season 7. No we didn’t. She’s never been shown before. Don’t lie and show footage from last year as if this girl has had screen time. She hasn’t. She sings and leaves no immediate impression on me, because she’s probably going home so I don’t want to bother learning to spell her name yet.

Jasmine Murray continues singing terribly by doing Jorbacca’s “Tattoo.” She looks more like an alien every week, and her vocals are back to being terrible. She’s going to be a VFTW pick late in the game, I can feel it. Once Randy grows tired of saying, “OMG, she’s 17!!!” the tweens will turn on her and vote for their fugly object of lust (probably Gokey). Then we’ll step in and help the alien out.

Nathaniel Marshall adds some more drama by overthinking everything, but does put an interesting and fun twist on “Disturbia” by singing it with an acoustic guitar. Not too bad, but we need bad, Nate. You’re tailor made for this site. No one will vote for you because they think you’re “good” so just give up and cater to us. Thanks much.

Joanna Pacitti has been hidden for most of Hollywood, and now we find out why. Joplanta gives one of the worst Hollywood performances ever on this show during “If I Ain’t Got You”. Joanna gets maybe one word correct and then sings “hmmmm hmmm la da hada daaaaaa” for about 30 seconds. I have never seen such an overt train wreck in the Hollywood rounds (Tatiana can at least remember her words). And it just keeps going. Either the show is trying to embarrass her or… well hopefully that’s it. She still makes it through though, mostly because she’s friends with people on the crew. Lame. Unless this is all a big setup to dump pigs’ blood on her, I’m not having it.

Casey Carlson also forgets the lyrics, along with Stephen Fowler. He sings “Magic Rainbows (I Hate Myself)” by David Cook and messes up during the song. He then starts over a la Brooke White, and messes up again. Yet he makes it through too. Are the judges too busy using Kara’s vibes to notice what’s going on?

Nick Mitchell pulls Normund Gentle back out for his solo performance and sings “Georgia On My Mind.” He crosses his legs on the piano and then starts crawling on the stage. By the time he’s finished, he convulses and sings “mind mind mind” and I obviously love it. He’s right on your heels, Tatiana. But the thing that separates the 2 is that Nick is putting on a character. All of Tatiana’s fabulousness is 100% real.

Ju’Not Joyner looks like he’s performing oral sex on the microphone while he sings “Hey  There Delilah.” Otherwise, nothing of note here.

We’re then treated to some quick performances from room 3, the “obviously going home” room. Leneshe Young performs poorly. India Morrison wanders around the stage aimlessly while barely singing “Disturbia”. Kaylan Loyd is introduced for no reason except to show her tank during her performance.

You know what? None of that matters. Why? Because Michael Castro is in room 3 and he’s out of here! Beasty Cash-Ho and her money grubbing family have finally been given the boot. Don’t let the door hit your new laptops on the way out, Castro family. I hope to never see any of you ever again. I especially love that Michael received not even one second of screen time in Hollywood. Sometimes the producers get it oh so right. Watching Michael fail has been the highlight of the episode, except for Tatiana and Nick of course.

So Tatiana lives to see another day. As does Nick. And Von. And so many other VFTW contenders. I am not going to recap the 2 hour shitfest of chairs tomorrow, because no one wants to read a recap about people sitting in chairs. Also, we’ve already known the top 36 for weeks now. Just read that. Instead, I will borrow a page from Professor Chan and rank the top 36 on their VFTW potential from Tatiana (an automatic A+) to Danny Gokey (F, big fat F). That way you’ll know who to start prepping your dialing fingers for. And remember, someone like Kendall Beard could come out and totally win our votes, so no decisions will be made until we see them all sing.