Semifinals Group 1 - "I just sat on the hard part."

So this is the first live Idol show of the year. The time when VFTW really gets started and the unscripted chaos happens. The judges do not call this group the “best ever” because clearly they’re not. But for entertainment purposes, we do have a few standouts.

One person I loved was Jackie Tohn. If it hadn’t been for Tatiana, I would have loved to vote for Jackie. From her crazy purple blazer in her interview to her polka dot top/leggings performance outfit, this girl dresses to make us proud. She’s fun! She jazzes up “A Little Less Conversation” with some growling, dancing, and jumping around, and I bet most people just stared at the screen thinking, “Huh?” I’ve gotta admire someone so quirky. The judges clearly aren’t sure what to say, so Randy says he likes her trousers. Jackie says the trousers like Randy. Simon says that Jackie played the clown tonight and that she blew her opportunity on something silly. That wasn’t silly. That was VFTW. Entertaining and odd. Good on you, Jackie. I only wish you were in a different group from Tatiana. I totally would have supported you. Hopefully Paula convinces the others to bring Jackie back for the wildcard.

Ricky “I’ve Had No Camera Time Yet” Braddy was apparently called one of the best guys by Randy during his audition. Looks like someone pissed off the producers or something. How can you go from that to not even being shown? When he sings “A Song For You”, he has a good voice, but I’m just seeing another Clay Aiken. He overdoes it with the glory notes, but he does sing pretty decently. The best part of the performance is where he looks up at the end while holding a high note and fluttering his eyelashes. Very strange. Randy calls Ricky the star of season 8 and Paula says that she’s so proud that Ricky gets to show who he is and will go far. Simon then poops on their party and tells Ricky that he has no confidence or charisma. Well, since the voters seem to listen to Simon for no good reason, Ricky’s out. Ricky’s mom pimps the website braddybunch.com. Too bad the domain will go up for auction in 2 weeks when no one remembers Ricky.

Alexis Grace was embarrassed at her audition when Kara Dioslutty told her to make love to her fiancé. Alexis did take the judges’ advice to dirty herself up… by adding pink highlights to her hair. What, is she 12? Alexis sings “Never Loved a Man”, Tatiana’s audition song. Tatiana’s version was of course way better. Alexis is boring, the song has no melody, and she’s just getting on my nerves by drawing out her pointlessness. She also looks like an idiot with dark red lipstick since she looks about 12 years old, kind of like a kid playing dress up with mommy’s makeup and clothes, trying to look like a hooker. Altogether, the worst performance by a mile so far. So that do the judges say? They love her. Simon calls her a dark horse and likens her to Kelly Clarkson from 8 years ago. After THAT? The bitch sucks. But since, as I said previously, America listens to Simon… Alexis will make the top 12. What a shame. Maybe she’ll eventually entertain and become VFTW though.

Brent Keith and his creepy flesh colored beard almost miss getting a video package because Idol messes up. Oh Idol, millions of dollars and you can’t even go through a show without a glitch. Brent tells us that he has been struggling for a long time to make ends meet. Really? I’m sure it was so tough for you when you were recording music for the Dale Earnhardt movie and appearing on CMT. Those jobs must not pay… right? He sings “Hick Town” and bores the southern hicks to death. He isn’t connecting with the camera. It’s as if he doesn’t know it’s there. As soon as the camera tries to get in front of him, he looks the other way. Apparently this guy doesn’t realize he’s on a television show. He also makes the “taking a dump” pose multiple times, probably because he’s taking a dump vocally. Kara isn’t a fan of the song, but thinks Brent is cute. Paula says Brent could be as popular as Josh Gracin and Bucky Covington. Sadly, Brent was already more popular than both of them before appearing on this show, so that’s a downgrade for him. Simon calls it forgettable and says Brent blew his opportunity. I’d like to steal the little microphone the producers talk into to tell Simon what to say each week and have him tell Danny Gokey that he blew his opportunity one week. Seriously. Why do people listen to him? Simon calls it forgettable, but Brent says country fans won’t forget it. Yes they will, they have that other hick Michael whatever to vote for too. Seacrest ends it all by asking Brent’s wife if she always believed he could make it. Of course she has, he “made it” years ago. This is so lame.

Stevie Wright has wanted to be on Idol since she saw the first episode when she was 9. Well, her childhood (current) dream is about to be crushed as she sings “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift. The song is in a key way too low for her, and the notes that she hits don’t even resemble the correct ones. Stevie easily wins for worst vocal performance of the night. This is worse than her Jonas Brothers video. The key is escaping her completely. The judges can’t even be bothered to find anything nice to say. Kara says Stevie has an identity crisis and cannot pick the right song. Simon says that Stevie has 0 chance of making it to the next round and that she was nervous and out of her depth. Stevie’s parents support her regardless (because they have to) and have no idea why the judges hated that Stevie followed their advice to pick a young song. They also don’t understand why no one will come over when they put on their Katharine McPhee record.

Anoop Desai wants to sing songs on the show that he wishes people would have already sung. And one of those is… “Angel of Mine” by Monica. Really? Anoop has a good voice, but this is boring as shit. I expected so much more personality and fun out of Anoop, but he really blew it. There’s always wildcard though. Paula says that America has already connected with Anoop and it’s nice to see a different side. Simon asks Anoop why he picked this song, and Anoop says that this is the first R&B song he ever heard on the radio. If only I could travel back in time and make the first song he ever heard “My Neck, My Back”. We’d have a whole new Anoop! Simon still compliments him and says that maybe America will forget this bad performance. Anoop really blew it tonight though. With the momentum he had going into this performance, all he had to do was be slightly entertaining and he would have made it. Now it’s up in the air.

Casey Carlson wants to be like her idol Jordin Sparks. Casey, you’ll have to start on a 24/7 eating binge to even come close. She picks “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” and she is definitely like Jorbacca… they both make really silly faces while singing. She talk-sings half the song, as if she knows it’s a train wreck and she has no hope to pick it up. She winks, she nods, she makes faces- basically she has no idea how silly she looks. But hey, it’s hilarious, so I like it. The icing on the cake is the blow-up doll face she makes during the bridge. Randy calls it “weirdly karaoke”, not realizing he judges a weekly karaoke competition. Simon says she shouldn’t have been able to sing that song and gives her the “you threw your chance away” kiss of death. Has this become his new catch phrase or are the producers just that certain that they have to brainwash the public and tell them exactly what to do?

Roughneck Michael Sarver is doing American Idol for his family. Possibly also so he can lose a little weight bouncing around the stage. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Be”, and I am so tired of this song. How ironic is it that so many Idols cover this song about wanting to be nothing other than Gavin Degraw- nothing other than a prison guard and specialist’s son? This song is about that Gavin Degraw guy, not you. And it’s not even a good song. Michael looks like a creepy sexual predator while singing, because he’s trying too hard to smile. Fat guys shouldn’t dance like this. Someone needs to screencap his creepy smile in the middle of the performance, it could be used as a Halloween mask. He’s beyond terrible. Yet the judges still give him props. Paula says that the song showed a different side of him. Simon says that Michael is a “good honest guy who needs a break” and that he hopes America votes for Michael even though he sucks. Hey, I won’t knock it, because Michael could make a good VFTW pick if this keeps up. Michael’s wife ends it all by saying that she always reminds Michael to sing pretty. Well she failed this week unless “creepy jack-o-lantern” is pretty.

Anne Marie Boskovich is a waitress and demo singer. I don’t remember this demo singer revelation before. She sings “Natural Woman” with “her own twist” (meaning terrible). She screams most of the song, adds some weird phrasing, and looks angry. She also points a lot. You you you you. Hey audience, you make Anne Marie feel like a natural woman. Luckily, the judges don’t pimp such obvious cannon fodder. Kara says that the song is so big, you have to kill it if you want to sing it. She then tells Anne Marie that she wants to see her do something fun and girly like “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles. Anne Marie’s knee-jerk reaction is to shoot back, “Something that’s not as good?” Hilarious! Anne Marie then continues the awkward comments by walking up to the room where her family is and sitting on her microphone pack, declaring, “I just sat on the hard part.” Who knew Anne Marie was so ridiculously unfiltered? Now I want to see her come back for the wildcard and possibly sneak into the top 12 so that she can keep making awkward comments to make the home audience feel incredibly uncomfortable.

Stephen Fowler, who I can just tell is not right for this show at all, was mad that he forgot the words to “Magic Rainbows” in Hollywood. I don’t blame you, Stephen. I try to forget that song every day. But now he has a second chance with “Rock With You”. It’s fine, but nothing special at all. His energy level doesn’t seem high enough and he seems to be annoyed with his own song choice while singing. He’s a good singer normally, but tonight it just doesn’t make much sense. Paula says that Stephen got a rare opportunity at a second chance, but she forgets that just about everyone who forgot their words got a second chance. So it wasn’t that rare at all. Simon wishes that Stephen had forgotten the lyrics because it was a pointless performance, verging on corny. Stephen asserts that he’s a corny guy. This is just awkward. Stephen doesn’t want to admit that the show cast him as cannon fodder, and good for him. But the judges clearly can’t stand him.

Finally, it’s time for our VFTW queen, Tatiana Del Toro. She seems incredibly upset at the way the show has portrayed her thus far, so she tones herself down, almost to a zombie level. It’s weird, but probably a smart move to try to get some extra votes. I have to remember her past antics though, because that factors so much into the VFTW decision. Her track record is golden, so her subdued personality must be a rarity. She sounds way better than most of the other singers tonight, but the look of desperation in her eyes is still there. And even after a decent performance, the judges can barely compliment her. Randy says the melody was weird in the second verse. Kara wonders where Tatiana fits in the music industry and Tatiana snaps back, “I fit everywhere. World of music. All genres.” There’s the Tatiana I love! Tatiana then defends herself from Paula asking where the craziness is by saying, “Sometimes I get so excited. I’m not usually like that.” Simon says that Tatiana is a complete and utter drama queen and that he’s never met anyone in his life who wants fame more, adding that she’s desperate to become famous. Tatiana says, “I believe in marketing as a business and I want to market myself as a business.” Such weird things to say on the show, but that’s why Tatiana is so VFTW. The judges try to get a hyena laugh out of her and she insists that she does not laugh like that. The poor girl must be nervous and petrified of what America thinks about her right now. Don’t choke, Tatiana, people love the fabulous you. And if you make it through, please bring it back. A little bit of fabulous sneaks out when Tatiana ends her chat with Ryan with, “America, please vote. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive.” I’m trying, Tatiana! But you have to bring it more as well.

Danny Gokey can’t go 30 seconds without talking about his dead wife, so of course his video package is about her. He decides to sing “Hero” by Mariah Carey because it gave him strength when he was weak. His voice is so obnoxious, I had to tune it out. I don’t even care how he sang, I just cannot stand this smug prick. The judges all wet themselves over his performance. Paula says she has two words with hyphens: sold-out arenas. To see an average karaoke singer? Good luck with that one. Simon says Danny is a good singer but he’s not buying all of the hype yet. Even though I hate Simon, thank God someone popped Danny’s huge inflatable head tonight.

The episode starts to end when Ryan says to Simon, “There was part of tonight when I believed you have the organ that we all have.” Ryan, why were you staring at Simon’s pants during the show? Either way, the show was a joke, and there is no way this group is the most talented in America. Who makes it? Clearly Danny Gokey will for the guys, and clearly Alexis Grace will for the girls, because they got the most pimping. The third spot will probably go to Michael Sarver because Simon was easy on him, but I can see Anoop or Tatiana sneaking in to take it. Hopefully Tatiana gets it, or she comes back for the wildcard and really entertains. I also hope Jackie will come back for the wildcard, as she has no chance of making it tonight.