Semi-Finals #2: It Takes One To Know One, Sassy Pants -- Extra Schnockered edition.

Idol Semi Finals #2 -- Yawn.

The only way I could get through this week of uninspired singing and dull amateur performances was to mix my own vodka tonics and go for the gusto.  Yeah, I'm drunker than Paula, no mean feat that, and I make no apologies.  I mean, damn  I am TOASTED!!!  Yet I'm still not titillated by these singers.  Despite countless hours of weeding down the chaff from the grain we STILL have these sucky singers.  I mean, how is that possible?  Did I mention that I am BLASTED!?!?!  I had fun tonight.  I don't know about the audience at home, though.

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Kara ominously announces, "There are no second chances." Ignoring the whole everybody gets a second chance with the Wild Card in two weeks.  Paula says "I hoped they picked the right song."  Ooh, you know those are some ominous words.  By the way, someone was slipping Paula some righteous painkillers tonight as she starts off relatively sober but by the end  of the show she's completely high.  But not as high as me, baby.  

Jasmine Murray -- sings  "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles.

That was quick.  An early precocious front-runner goes down in flames with an uninspired performance of a piffle song.  It helps if you hit the notes, honey.  She's trying too hard, and this is not a hard song.  Jasmine seems like a charming girl, but she's done.  Still on my third drink of the night I started the theory that Randy recently got a face lift.  I mean, the dude has no facial wrinkles.  And no brain wrinkles either, but that's neither here nor there.

GRADE: D -- In past weeks Jasmine showed that she was a talented teenager.  But not tonight.

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Matt "Dueling Pi-nist" Giraud -- sings "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay.

Just like Jasmine, promising Matt, who survived several auditions and three eliminations during Hollywood week, and he quickly eliminated himself tonight.  He's out of breath and nervous the whole song, with this frantic toe-tapping, but he doesn't show any of his earlier promise.  He fails on the falsetto and misses every single note on one vocal run.  This is a bad performance.

GRADE: D -- Matt is done.   Paula makes sure to mention that she heard Matt's rehearsal, which is against the rules.  She's just warming up the Paula Crazy Train, though.

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Jeanine Vailes sings "This Love" by Maroon 5.

Jeanine has gotten almost no air time so far, so she needed to wow us tonight.  Her performance is frenetic and off-key.  So no, she doesn't wow us.  She's trying too hard, and Simon says so.  

GRADE: FAIL -- In a desperate attempt to make an impression she is out of tune and gives an off performance.

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Nick Nourmand -- Sings Jennifer Hudson's "And I Am Not Going."  

Nick does a hysterically bizarre cabaret version of Idol's discarded Oscar Winning star performer.  His performance includes his standard cargo shorts, shiny shirt, but with a white tuxedo coat with tails, and red headband.  Nick humps the American Idol sign and generally makes a mockery of the show.  AWESOME.  He even hits a ridiculous glory note and generally vamps it up.  Then Nick gives sass to Simon who professes to hate his performance, "It takes one to know one, sassy pants"  I think I know what he means.  

GRADE: A+ -- Nick gives his best performance, delivering a hilariously over the top Idol parody.  Does he survive until the Finals? God I hope so.  We love you Nick-Nourmand.  VOTE FOR THE WORST!

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Allison Irahata -- "Alone" by Heart.

We have seen practically none of Allison so she had seriously low expectations going into this, but she impressed me.  She effortlessly sings a Heart song that blows Carly's over-compensating Heart performance from last year out of the water.  She can sing.  She's got sass.  I love this girl.  Suddenly Allison is an Idol contender.  Damn, I'm glad I took the field against Gokey.

GRADE: A+ -- Allison went from nobody to front-runner in 90 seconds.  An awesome performance.

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Kris Allen? -- Sings "Man in the Mirror" By some alleged child molester.

Kris, Kris, Kris, where do we start?  First, I thought we made the "No Michael Jackson" law last week.  Second who are you again?  This dude has had zero airplay.  Third, this song was boring and pointless.  Kris can sing, he's got a pretty voice and he's cute, but what a stunningly awful and forgettable performance.

GRADE: D -- Remind me, who is Kris Allen?

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Megan Corkrey -- Sings "Put Your Record On" by Corinne Bailey Rae

Megan of the ridiculous Magic Castle tattoo does a pretty good job on this piffle of a song.  Since the song is dull I have more time to enjoy her Bugs Bunny Teeth and awkward dancing.  She makes funny faces while planting her feet and shaking her arms like a Chuck E. Cheese performance.  Pretty entertaining.

GRADE: B -- Her spastic dancing makes an impression and her good vocals means she'll probably make it to the next round.

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Matt "The Ogre" Bratzke -- sings "If You Can Only See" by Tonic

Matt gives a half-assed performance on a pretty standard karaoke song.  Matt plants himself in one spot and sweats profusely.  This endears himself to VFTW, but on Nick-Nourmand night it's not enough.  The goofy camera-work doesn't help with a spinning shot as Matt hits his glory note.  Cheeseball, the way we like him.  

GRADE: C -- It was at this point in the show where I notice Randy is wearing a ginormous Dick Tracy communicator watch.  And for some reason Paula laughs hysterically while Randy is talking.  We still love Matt.  Not quite VFTW worthy.

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Jessie Langseth -- "Betty Davis Eyes" as sung by Bu'Wheat.

Jessie picks one of the all time mumbly songs and actually sings it clearly and phonetically.  She can sing, and she has good enunciation.  

GRADE: B -- Jessie is spunky, but I'm not sure if she did enough to get noticed tonight.

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Kai Kalama -- Sings "What Becomes of a Broken Heart" by Johnny (mumbles).  I listened to it three times but I still don't know what Kai said.  I could look it up, but since Kai won't be here next week, so I won't bother.

Kai looks like Sayid on "Lost" but with Bozo the clown hair.  He's cheesy and over the top, but not enough over the top if you know what I mean.  I am completely toasted at this point in the show, so I have no idea what the hell I wrote.

GRADE: D -- Kai is out of here.

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Mishavonne Henson -- Sings "Drops of Jupiter" by Train

Mishavonne, with the foolish name looks a little like Fiona from Shrek, with her big mouth and button nose.  She's also wearing a Shrek rucksack with huge belt outfit that does her no good.  She actually has a nice voice.  Not a bad performance.  Not good, though.  And she's got stiff competition tonight.

GRADE: C

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Adam Lambert -- Sings "Satisfaction" By The Rolling Stones

Like a good Worster, Adam brings down the house.  He's a mile over the top with his saucy sneers, screaming/singing and crotch grabs.  Then he hits the glory note to give Simon a stiffy, so that he can stay around another week.  This was so bad it was AMAZING. Another VFTW Contender.

GRADE: B -- Adam reinvents "Over The Top" and we can only hope the pimp slot means he sticks around for a while.

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Man, am I wasted.  I'm shocked I made it through this episode.  And I'm even more shocked I made it through this review.  Boo-yah.  

Vote for Nick, Adam, and I genuinely was impressed by Allison.

What did you think?  And how much did you imbibe to make it through this episode?