Semifinals Group 2 - Normund Makes Us Love Him

The second group of 12 was at least much more entertaining than the first. But the show still had way too much filler to be good. I’m just glad that we have so many more VFTW possibilities out of this group. Nick Mitchell was epic, and Allison, Adam, and some others definitely make great future VFTW picks if we can’t get our guy into the finals.

Jasmine Murray is up first and she wants to do her home planet proud with a version of “Love Song”. Anne Marie Boskovich stops by to laugh and then takes off. The laughing seems contagious, because I can’t get over how bad this is. Jasmine’s lower register is not having these notes, she’s singing completely through her nose, she’s adding stupid runs, and her silver shirt looks like a UFO. She’s just as bad as I always knew she was. Randy calls it pitchy and Simon is disappointed because she has such a great look. Simon always has liked the trannies.

Dueling piano player Matt Giraud is up next, and he calls playing the piano for the judges one of the coolest moments of his entire life. That’s beyond sad, Matt. Matt sings “Viva La Vida” and makes Jasmine sound like the winner of the competition. The second contestant of the night to bring out the goat vibrato in full effect, Matt’s vocals are shaky and ridiculous. The high notes never get there and his hip shaking is classic VFTW. Kara says that Matt blew her (away) in Hollywood, but that this is not the type of song he should be singing. Paula says this performance was better than his dress rehearsal. Oh man, I want to see the dress rehearsal. We could have a real VFTW gem here if this guy can sneak in and give us Goat Idol every week. He’s also just pretty enough and just ugly enough that the frauen and tweens will wet their panties over him. He kinds of looks like Justin Timberlake was punched in the face 6 or 7 times. Matt ends by saying this is the type of music he wants to do, and Simon says that Matt doesn’t deserve a top 12 spot if he wants to be like that.

Jeannine Vailes is a bartender from Washington. And that’s all we’re going to know about her since she’s had no screen time and will be gone off our TVs forever as of tomorrow night. She sings “This Love” because she says, “For this round I wanted something comfortable that I knew.” This round? Sweety, no one informed you that you’re fodder so the judges can get other people through? Awww… sorry. Her short shorts are one of the only memorable things about her performance because it’s not very interesting. It’s sort of comical how she’s turning the song into something divaesque though by trying to Whitney-fy it. Her friend Ugly Betty in the audience clapped for her, but the judges aren’t having it. The judges all say she has great legs but she picked the wrong song. Jeannine says that she’s had no screen time so she had to do something different to stand out. You tell ‘em, girl. Jeannine continues to talk back and says it’s not over yet because it’s up to America to vote. She then says that since she’s 28 she just deserves our votes. See, I like Jeannine now when she’s got the personality and won’t stop talking. I wish we’d seen more of her. Jeannine ends the segment by begging, “It’s not over! Please! Alright, America! Vote!” Sorry Jeannine, I gotta vote for Normund.

Nick Mitchell is love. Just pure love. I know I’m about to witness one of the best performances on American Idol ever. I also know Nick has a 0.000001% chance of moving on to the next round. But I will vote for him anyway. Why? Because he deserves it. First, he comes out as alter ego Normund Gentle and chooses “And I Am Telling You”, which is a VFTW Victory in and of itself. Then he continues to change the words, such as singing “I hope I’m not going” and “I gotta make ‘em love me, the one on the end, he’s the hardest to me.” Genius. He puts his hands all over the Idol logo and humps it. This is beyond an Idol performance. This is the best thing ever to exist on the planet Earth. He screams, “I’m not waking up tomorrow morning and finding out there’s no Idol” and calls out Neil Patrick Harris in the audience by screaming, “Doogie!” Near the end, he belts out a huge note on his knees and then ends with a spoken note and stares at the camera. This… this, America, is a winner. No one can top that this season, but they can try. The judges all hate it as expected, and Simon says that he hopes America will not put him through. Randy calls it one of the most entertaining performances ever on Idol, but that the vocals were not happening. Paula says there are plenty of stages in Los Angeles for Normund, and I agree. He needs his own show. As I mentioned earlier, I cannot even possibly picture him moving on, but wouldn’t it be delightful? I voted my ass off, at least so maybe he’ll get enough votes to scare the producers in 4th place or something.

After that, I really don’t give a shit what happens on the show. But I’ll watch anyway. Allison Iraheta cannot seem to speak to Ryan Seacrest in her pre-interview. She makes for the 2 most awkward minutes of the night by saying “yeah”, “no”, “uh”, “huh?” and a few other words while staring blankly and licking her lips. I love this girl! She sings “Alone” and actually has one of the best vocals of the night. Her raspy voice is kind of cool and strange, it has some character to it. And as soon as she’s done singing, the awkwardness comes back out. It’s like the girl is an alien programmed to sing and then has to drool on herself when she’s done because there’s no memory left for another program. Love her! The judges say she did a good job. Paula says it’s refreshing to see her work a microphone (careful, Paula, she’s only 16… which Randy will remind us of every week I’m sure). Allison then says she had no idea what happened and makes silly faces and licks her lips as Ryan reads her number. This girl is nutso and I love it. Maybe she’s bringing it more than Tatiana this year? Either way, you Hispanic girls know how to win a VFTW guy’s heart!

Kris Allen decides to sing “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson. What a fucking weird song choice. It’s weird because he sings well, but his semi hip-hop delivery is lame and forced. But still, he’s by far the best looking guy of the night, so should get plenty of votes on that regardless. And yet he’s still slightly Teen Wolfy enough to attract the crazy frauen. You see, they don’t like extremely pretty people. They like ‘em with a bit of a defect, so they think that the contestant will eventually accept a 400 pound woman into their life. It’s sick, sad, and I hope they target Gokey for the entire season just as payback for making us listen to his sob story every week. Back to Kris, Simon likes it and says that Kris had confidence and personality. He’s the wild card of the night, because his looks may carry him into the top 12 even though not much else will.

Megan Corkrey is one of Simon’s favorites from her audition. She’s another single mom, because we need 100 of them in the competition. She sings “Put Your Records On” because it puts a smile on her face, gosh golly gee. She’s weird and pronounces things strangely, like the word down as “DOW-nuh.” If nothing else, I’d like to see her tackle some other songs and completely mess with the words. But there isn’t really all that much interesting about her. It seems put on at this point. Paula says she’s interesting, relevant, hip, and cool. Simon says she oversang the second part of the song when she became more excited. Kara calls her a package artist, so I guess Megan is hiding a penis somewhere. Kara then talks out her ass and shows what a bad judge she is by saying, “With the right video you could be very viable in this market.” What? That’s not what judges say. They say “dawg, mumble mumble, atrocious.” Stop using music industry terms and vocabulary that little kids don’t know. Weirdo.

Matt Breitzke doesn’t realize he’s doomed because Sarver got the “fat hick” spot last week. So he comes out like a trooper and sings “If You Could Only See”. It’s technically a good vocal, but it’s awkward because he has no stage presence. He goes in and out of what he thinks is his intense face, but to me it looks like he wants to kill the audience. Simon says he wished that he could have talked Matt out of picking that song. Randy says that the song needed more edge and energy. Matt doesn’t seem to care and says he still would have picked the song even if Simon had tried to talk him out of it. Oh well, it was one of the more forgettable performances.

Jesse Langseth is the 500th single mom of the season and she sings “Bette Davis Eyes”. Her voice is strange because it runs all of the words together as she sings so you can’t really decipher what she’s singing. The entire song is done in the same voice with absolutely no range or emotion to it, making the audience feel uncomfortable. At the end, she winks at Randy, and Randy looks confused… probably because Randy has never had someone of any gender flirt with him before. As the judges tell Jesse that it was ok, Jesse talks back a lot. But not in a fun VFTW way. In more of a “I’m too good for this show and I can’t believe you would insult me” way. So she gets points for creativity, but I’m not feeling it, dawg. She asks Randy what he would have liked to have seen, and he wanted to see more range. Of course, if Jesse had picked a song with more range, Randy would have told her, “Oh dude, man, you know, you shouldn’t have picked that song. That song was too big for you, yo.” Jesse continues to orgasm about how much she loves the song, especially the drum pad and clapping. Simon calls her “too cool for school” and Jesse laughs as if she can’t believe that was the critique she got. Welcome to American Idol, Jesse. The critiques never make sense.

Kai Kalama decides to sing “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted”. Kara gave him the same exact advice in his audition that she gave Alexis- “dirty it up.” I bet she actually said that to every single contestant who auditioned because she was in heat. During Kai’s song, his face looks like he’s farting most of the time. He’s oversinging and it’s nothing special, but it’s not terrible. Kara calls the song old fashioned. Simon likens it to a wedding or hotel performance and says that Kai would be a good backup singer. Kai stands there for the entire critique as if to say, “Ahem. I have a sick mom. Remember? Sob story? You’re supposed to be licking my balls right now.” He looks over to his left and sees a producer rubbing his hands maniacally while cackling, and Kai realizes what we all figured out weeks ago… he’s fodder.

Mishavonna Henson has the fact that she’s very likeable going for her. Unfortunately she’s had very little screen time, so no matter what she does, the judges aren’t going to like it. I’m expecting more “wrong song” critiques even if she picks the right song. Mishavonna picks “Drops of Jupiter” and I can’t help but think of Ace Young and his stupid scar when this song comes on. Mishavonna sings the song very well, and she’s fun with a bit of personality that isn’t overdone like Megan. If she had been featured at all, she’d get into the top 12 tonight, but let’s see how the judges spin her performance so she won’t. The performance didn’t excite Paula, probably because she hasn’t had a drink in about 2 hours. She’s on her way down, yet it doesn’t stop her from laughing during all of Mishavonna’s critiques like the drunken witch she is. Simon says Mishavonna acts like a 50 year old. Mishavonna wisely hides her AARP card and denies such behavior. Kara wants Mishavonna to loosen up and shake it out, because she has no idea where to fit her in the music industry. Then Paula starts to laugh even louder and sneeze. I’m so glad Paula has gotten messed up for the occasion. I missed drunken Paula so much when the show was edited. Mishavonna knows she has no shot, but still tells America that if she’s put through, we’ll see the crazy. Well hey, I like the crazy. But Mishavonna’s not getting through.

Adam Lambert is last, and he says he has to be less theatric and over the top, and instead be more internal. No! Camp it up! He decides to pick “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones and… he camps it up. This is the Adam I love from YouTube. He sounds like he’s shrieking the entire song, he makes silly faces, and he prances around the stage in rare form. All he would have to do is start humping some background dancers and paint his nipples and he’d be just like the videos I’ve enjoyed. Adam, thanks for bringing it, I appreciate it. At least if Nick doesn’t make it, Adam is a shoe-in for some future VFTW votes at some point. Paula doesn’t have words to express her feelings, she says, because she snuck a few drinks while he was performing and she can’t remember a thing. Simon thought parts were excruciatingly bad and parts were brilliant. The entire thing was brilliant, Simon. It just needs more humping. Simon calls it a “love it or hate it performance” and Adam says, “That’s what music is. You love it or hate it.” Randy calls Adam “Steven Tyler meets Fall Out Boy meets Robert Pattinson meets My Chemical Romance.” Now that’s a bastard VFTW child if I’ve ever heard of one.

So who makes it? Adam will clearly have the most votes for the guys since he went last. Allison will probably have the most votes for the girls because she got the warmest reception. And while the judges probably want to see Megan make it as well, the bored frauen and tweens will vote through another guy. My money’s on Kris Allen, but any of the guys could sneak through because it was such a mediocre field. I can only hope they all split the vote and Nick Mitchell sashays himself into the top 12 somehow!