Semi Finals #3: "It's about doing it when it has meaning!"

Howdy Class,

This week's episode had all the standard Idol components, but on HGH.  Kara was hornier than a three-peckered goat in a pheromones factory.  Paula was drunk and retarded.  Randy was just retarded.  And Simon was bored and lazy.  He's not just half-assing it this season, he's quarter-assing it.  And Ryan, well he was on point with his awesomely unfunny non-jokes, awkward moments and inappropriate touching of the male contestants.  Every time he does it, it's worth two drinks at my viewing parties.  Sadly, we weren't drinking tonight.  Because we're talking Hammered Idol Part 2, if that happened.

Someone owes me money because Lil Rounds is in the pimp slot tonight.  Man, this show is so predictable.  Paula's got her 'A' wig on tonight, and she looks botoxed to the gills.  Her already floating in vodka gills.  I mean her face is shiny with no wrinkles at all.  Yeah, that's totally natural.

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Von Smith -- "You're All I Need to Get By" by Marvin Gaye

Von starts off the voting tonight, so you know he's doomed.  He actually tries to sing under control (BOO) and does a passable, if dull rendition of the song.  Sure, his unmodulated shouting peaks through every couple of lines like Goat Boy from SNL.  But you know Von just can't control his shouting and weird faces.  

Kara horndogs: "You're really coming into your own, Von...  It's not about how high you can go or what you can do.  It's about doing it when it has meaning."  

Paula horndogs: "You know when to pull back, you know when to push forward.  You're quite the showman."

GRADE: C+ ==--  Would've been an A if he shouted more.  Von was trying to be under control to his detriment.  He's not even our Worster tonight.  Also, she seems like a nice girl, so I'm not going to mention Von's sister's teeth.  Let's just say she could easily pass for someone from Kentucky or West Virginia, maybe in some of the more rural outlying areas where orthodontics are scarce.  Or maybe like one of the more dentally challenged Gypsies from Amazing Race this week.

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Taylor Vaifanua -- "If I Got You" by Alicia Keyes.

Alicia Keyes is this year's go to artist for over-wrought, precocious mildly talented girl singers.  I'm conflicted because I was sick and tired of hearing Whitney every week for the last 7 years (I mean, she's been dead in pop music terms for about 12 years... it was SERIOUSLY about time to retire her repertoire from this show.)  But I can't stand hearing Alicia Keyes songs get mauled and mutilated week after week.  Taylor gives an acceptable performance.  Paula gripes that Taylor sang that song in Hollywood week.  Really?  Because I don't recall seeing Taylor since her audition.  I don't remember anything about her aside from the fact that she's the 8 foot tall Jordan Sparks-wanna-be.  Oh, and that she's going home.

GRADE: C ==-- Average Idol performance.

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Alex Wagner-Trugman -- "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" by Elton John.

Alex has a sit-down with Ryan where he discusses his innate dorkiness and how he's been working out at the gym.  Ryan horndogs: "Dude, we can totally spot each other."  Alex starts off normal, but in a blatant attempt to (successfully) win our Worst vote, starts spastic dancing in random spots.  Then he rips into the song with husky shrieking and generally gets down with a total milquetoast song, albeit with the drawn out "Rollin' like thunder, under the covers" line.  Alex chooses that moment for his glory note and you can see Paula and Kara, bitches in heat practically growling and drooling to get at him.  Then, in order to truly win our hearts Alex drops the mic stand, and is forced to profusely apologize it over and over after the song.  

Kara horndogs: "Here's the positive thing, you do you."  And "I mean, the choreography, you can't pay for that...  choreography."  

GRADE: D ==-- Alex was pretty funny but mediocre at singing.  During the recap of his rehearsal (at the end, when they show the phone numbers, they use footage from rehearsals) Alex was MUCH worse.  Ryan has to be a dick, so he brings out a mic stand and knocks it over to screw with the kid.

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Arianna Asfar -- "Winner Takes It All" by ABBA.

Arianna is the third precocious youngster to appear on this show, and the third to go home.  She wasn't terrible, but she sings a horrible '70s style variety show arrangement that takes too long to get to the Mariah Carey glory notes.  Simon says the arrangement was funereal.  Well, I called it "funereal", he just said it sounded depressing like a funeral.  Means the same thing.  Arianna's voice sounds nice when she's not over-doing it.  But most of the song is over-doing it.  And she dies on the glory note at the end.

Kara horndogs: "Look at that beautiful face and that smile.  Be young.  Touch people, that's what you do."

GRADE: C- ==-- I didn't think Arianna was that bad, but the judges ripped her a new one.  The song is dire, but that's only half her fault.  The 17 year old handled the abuse well, but they really need to raise the contestant age to 18 if they're going to criticize someone this harshly.

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Ju'Not Joyner -- "Delilah" by Plain White T's.

During the bio clips the producers remind us that Ju'Not made it to Hollywood "based on your vocals... and your kid."  Randy actually SAID THAT.  "Delilah" could possibly be my most hated song last year, and that includes a year where Britney released an album.  Ju'Not does a horny Luther Vandross version where he eye-humps the camera.  Randy loves the originality, because he can't remember back to Hollywood week where 800 dudes sang this dog turd song in a slowed down R&B style.  Despite my hatred of the song I listened to Ju'Not sing, and he has a nice, if exceptional voice.  He leans on the Vandross vibe a little too hard, though.

Kara horndogs: "I know you have ridiculous pipes."   and "Where's your little boy?"

GRADE: C ==--  During the critique Simon can't even remember Taylor Vaifanua when Kara refers to her.  Dude, you are STEALING MONEY.  She only sang 3 people ago.  Simon is dogging it worse than Manny Ramirez did his last month with the Red Sox.  And making more money to boot.  It's all for naught as Ju'Not is probably going home.  Just to fit in with tonight's theme of unbridled lechery, Ju'not tries to get some sympathy votes by talking about taking a shot right in the butt.

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"Big Mouth" Kristen McNamara -- "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman

We learned this week that Kristen's occupation is "Karaoke Host", she should do GREAT on this show, then.  I'm hoping she pulls a Taylor Hicks and wins this whole damn show.  I like Kristen and she's probably sang all of these Karaoke hall of fame song a million times for her "occupation."  Kristen's voice is husky and pleasant, but she has absolutely no soul.  Keeping with our randy theme tonight Kristen lustily sings: "Ride me through the night."  She dies on the glory note though.

GRADE: C+ ==--I call B.S. on Paula's ruminating about Hollywood week.  She can't remember her zodiac sign or her home address but we're supposed to believe  Paula can remember back to what people sang two months ago?  Because she only heard 7,000 performances that she can keep organized in her painkiller atrophied pea brain.  I call shenanigans.  I'm officially starting unfounded speculation that because of her "remembering songs that contestants never sang" from last year, that the Producers gave her an ear-piece and are feeding her notes.  And she STILL can't put two complete thoughts together to form a complete sentence.  I like Kristen, and her baby doll dress with taffeta rose epaulets.  

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"Drama Queen" Nate.  "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That) by "Meat-loof" according to Paul-er.

To me this was the Worst performance of the night (in a good way).  Nate picked a totally Idol cheesy song.  Just sample these lyrics, song with tongue planted in cheek.  "And some days it don't come easy.  Some days it don't come hard.  Some days it don't come at all.  These are the days that never end."  Who WRITES that stuff? Oh, right, Meatloaf, and the other guy.  Nate gives a completely over the top performance with pointing to the audience, spastic dancing and an Olivia Newton John headband meets Don Johnson wardrobe.

Kara horndogs: "That's my karaoke buddy, right there."  And by karaoke she means "humping."  

The show only gets better after the performance.  Simon refers to the Olivia Newton John headband that Randy keeps calling "Elton John", because you know, he's a bobo.  Simon says we can't take Nate seriously.  WE don't want to TAKE HIM SERIOUSLY.  He's hysterical.  Randy proves Nate's Worster credentials with: "I don't know what kind of record you'd make."  "A fun one" retorts Nate.  Yes and YES!  Exactly why I love him.  Kara goes on and on about the karaoke thing.  Then just as it starts to get torturous Ryan goes to interview Grandma Nate, who looks like one of those apple face dolls... here: http://www.appledolls.org/appl6.jpg -- But Ryan's mic is only intermittently working, and he keeps yanking it away from Grandma Nate anyways.  Then Paula and Simon get into a drunken argument over if Nathan's "Disturbia" performance was cool or not.  Well, at least Paula's argument was drunken.  And THEN just when you thought the production would thankfully cut to commercial Ryan drags Nate over to the judges table and tries to pimp Nathaniel out to Simon.  Then Paula fondles Nate's nipples while Ryan and Simon wrestle over Nate's headband.  Ryan: "Simon, would you like a garter on your head?"  Not now, ladies.  Save it for your sick, sordid sex games after the show.

GRADE: A+ (of course).  Whew, that was like a train crashing into an ocean liner level of wreckage.  Nate even mentions how people have been calling him "Drama Queen" lately.  Hmm, you think he's been peaking at our little ol' site?  We love you NATE!

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Felicia "Not Pacitti" Barton -- "No One" by Alicia Keyes

My friend actually thought they were going to explain how Felicia got on the show.  Nope.  Somehow they mentioned something about going home, and then coming back.  Gee, Idol Producers, why would Barton need to replace a contestant?  Oh, right, because you guys were trying to RIG the show.  Anyhow.  Barton's not horrible.  She picks a good, famous, current song and sings it adequately.  But she has a feathered Cher mullet and  she's wearing a horrid sequined mini-skirt over black leggings that makes her hips look huge.  Not Lil Rounds huge, but we'll get to that later.  Randy pretends to be happy to have Felica back, he loved her from before.  But come on, who is he kidding?  Randy can't remember 30 seconds ago, let alone two whole months.  Kara likes Felicia's putrid outfit.  She would, because the woman has no taste.  Sense of smell, though she has in abundance.  YAY! My first Schnozz joke.  I'm so proud of myself.  Can we all agree that if Kara likes that outfit that she's an Ass-woman?

GRADE: B ==--  Felicia gave an acceptable performance.  Probably worth a B+ if it gets her through to Hollywood.  Not bloody likely though.

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Blind Scott -- "Mandolin Rain" by Bruce Hornsby

Scott gives a strong vocal (for him) on a mid-70s easy listening song.  Scott was good, and he only needed to be passable to advance.  He gives me VFTW goose bumps when he gets up from his stool and does the poopy dance on several occasions.  Come on, weren't you a little concerned that Scott would wander right off the stage?  I love this guy, and his matching black vest and jeans Leo Sayer outfit with Leo Sayer tussled blond 'fro.  Here: http://img.skitch.com/20080521-nae35eh179515d55mqpsr3em3k.preview.jpg or here: http://www.australiaday.org.au/pages/images/Leo%20Sayer%20Picture%202.jpg

Kara horndogs: "I want America to see you when you play and sing.  Because that's when you're really going to see Scott."

GRADE: B==-- After hearing the judges apologetically dismiss his questionable vocals (sure it's a singing show, but it's from his heart, you know?) and after hearing the tweeny girls squeal, I gotta love his chances to Idolize, especially after they can plunk him down behind a piano.  

Okay, one more Leo Sayer pic, because you deserve it:  http://photo.sing365.com/music/picture.nsf/Leo-Sayer-photo/48256C71003578A2482569990036B369/$file/Leo+Sayer.jpg

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Kendall "Boring Blonde Country Girl" Beard -- "This One's For The Girls" by Martina McBride.

Kendall gives a peppy, cheesy Carrie Underwood impersonation.  If past history is any indication marginal talents who sing country do well on this show (Bucky, Kristy, Josh Gracin).  Kendall will probably be the Wild Card because Country fans love them some Idol.  

GRADE: Should be a C+ but she gets an A- for the ingenuity of picking a country song and thereby advancing far beyond her s

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Man, this show feels LOOOOooong tonight!

Jorge Nunez -- "Don't Let The Sun... Go Down On Me" by Elton John

Jorge can sing.  He has a pretty voice.  He has eyebrows like Oscar The Grouch.  The production doesn't do him any favors with a cheesy '70s variety show split-screen.  

Kara horndogs: "You have the gift of touching people when you sing."

GRADE: B -- Jorge can probably be entertaining but it won't matter because he's going home.

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Lil Rounds -- "Be Without You" by Mary K. Blige

I wasn't impressed with Lil from what we saw in the Hollywood Rounds, but after tonight I'm impressed.  It was a professional performance where she commanded the stage and approximated Mary K. Blige.  She looked like a pro amongst amateurs.  She also should be called Big Rounds... because um...  From the front she has a thin waist and looks proportionate but from the side angles, holy cow she's got a padonkadonk.  Am I spelling that correctly?  Never mind.  Lil's a Brickhouse.  She's mighty, mighty, lettin' it all hang out.

GRADE: A -- Lil is suddenly THE Woman to beat now.  So she'll probably go home around 4th-6th place.  

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So there you have it.  Two Hours.  Bad Singing.  Rampant horniness.  Tomorrow results, then Thursday is 2 hours of the totally rigged Wildcard night, that still has not been adequately explained by anyone on or off the show.  It's as if the producers are making this crap up as they go along.  

--Chan