Semifinals Group 3: "May I remind you on this show we do not allow democracy"

Well, we’re almost done with the ridiculous voting format that doesn’t give the little guys a chance. Seriously, how amazingly easy has it been to predict the top 3 each week? This week is clearly Lil-Scott-Jorge. Outside shot on Jorge not making it, but come on, it’s doubtful. It’s more predictable than Paula being drunk. Than Simon being cocky. Than Kara wanting some cocky. It’s no wonder Idol’s ratings are still sinking fast. Without being able to look forward to surprising results, the show gets stale. So I’m really looking forward to the top 12, where VFTW and others will at least have a tinge of unpredictability and the chance to actually do something. Otherwise, this show is seriously making me fall asleep. And not in a good daydream kind of way. In a sleep apnea I can’t breathe and I’d rather suffocate than continue to watch this show kind of way. At least this week, Alex brought the VFTW goods.

Von Smith has decided that he shouldn’t shout at the audience anymore. Well there goes my interest in him. Without the shouting, I couldn’t care less what he does. He sings “You’re All I Need to Get By” and it’s just a cheesy mess. The singing is decent, but the faces are silly, and the song is just lame. It’s not VFTW though, because there’s no entertainment. Randy says Von was better than in Hollywood, and Simon compared Von to Clay Aiken. Come on now, Simon. Von doesn’t have idiotic fans who are going to kill themselves if he doesn’t advance. Which is a shame, because that means Von’s time is up. You played it safe and it got you nowhere, buddy.

Taylor Vaifanua forgot her words in Hollywood week but shockingly didn’t go home. Is she like the 1000th person who “forget the words and you go home” didn’t apply to? She sings “If I Ain’t Got You” and it’s decent, but she breathes really loudly. Is that a Utah thing? There’s absolutely nothing interesting about this performance. Simon agrees with me and calls it bland. Kara wants to go shopping with Taylor to find out who she is. Taylor, don’t do it. You’re not old enough to go into the stores that Kara frequents. The music cuts Randy off before he can talk. Good choice, music.

VFTW pick Alex Wagner-Trugman read about himself looking dorky on the internet, so he started to work out so he could “fill out a shirt like Simon.” Dude, that doesn’t take muscle. Simon’s manboobs are the work of a steady diet of cheeseburgers, fish and chips, and Ryan’s penis. Alex is funny in his pre-song interview and he’s even funnier when he sings “I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues.” He’s screaming for no reason and he growls out a bunch of notes. He also does this thing where he ducks backwards and looks like he’s grabbing something behind him between lines. I love this guy! By the time it’s over, I’m totally happy Alex showed up and decided to entertain. No one else has yet and Alex has made me finally enjoy the show a bit tonight. Kara tells Alex to stop clearing his throat as she gives him tips on how to swallow without sounding hoarse. She’s good at that. Simon calls Alex a “hamster trying to be a tiger” and then tells the booing audience, “May I remind you on this show we do not allow democracy!” Actually Simon, isn’t the show is run by votes, which is a democracy? Simon’s actually finally admitting that the show is fixed and that no one at home really has any say. Too bad, because I’m going to vote my ass off for Alex even if my votes don’t count. He deserves them after that amazing performance.

Arianna Afsar wants the judges to appreciate her vocal on “The Winner Takes It All” instead of her looks. Well, that’s not going to happen because her singing is boring and her big notes are all off key. The girl was clearly nervous and just didn’t have a chance. Randy of course mentions that Arianna is 17 and Paula tells her to stick with the melody. Arianna looked like she was going to cry through her entire critique. This show is clearly not for her. She needs to just go back to high school and do whatever it was she was doing, because she’s too nice/naïve/boring for this.

Ju’Not Joyner only got to Hollywood because he has a cute son. He sings “Hey There Delilah” and the funniest part is that the crowd is clapping along to the incredibly slow beat at the beginning. Dumbasses. Ju’Not turned the song into a lullaby. He has a good voice, but this is way too slow of a pace. I could run to the store, buy the anti-nausea medicine I need to get through the show, and get back home with enough time before Ju’Not finishes. Kara says it was smooth and fluid from his ridiculous pipes. This woman needs a cold shower. Paula asks where Ju’Not’s son is and he says he’s at home with his grandmother. Ju’Not also offers that he got a cortisone shot in his ass before the performance, which actually makes me like him because he can laugh about it. Ryan calls it “TMTI” which isn’t even a phrase. It’s either TMI or TMTH. I’m not even a teenager and I know that shit from Danny Noriega last year. Another dumbass.

Kristen McNamara says her purple hair was a hairdresser mistake at her first audition. How can purple hair be a mistake? She says, “You haven’t done it all in the music business till you’ve been on Hollywood week in American Idol.” Hear that, Stevie Wonder? Did you miss it, Paul McCartney? You haven’t done it all. Now go cry. Kristen sings “Give Me One Reason” and it’s boring. She sings decently though. Wait, she hits a terrible high note and cracks her voice at the end. I take it back. Kara says that she would rather hear Kristen sing a Kelly Clarkson song with a rock edge. Simon says Kristen has no idea who she is. That’s his code phrase for, “I don’t have a lot of bad things to say about your performance but I hate you.” Kristen is fodder with a very very small chance of making wildcard.

Nathaniel Marshall embraces his role as the drama queen, but he wants to show everyone the goofy, good natured, humble Nate. No one wants to see that. We want drama. Nate sings “I Would Do Anything For Love” and varies between a boring slow part and a hilarious fast part where his sweatband seems to make sense as he runs in place. If only he had really gone for it, I would have voted for him over Alex. But his advancement would still be classic. Simon says that the majority of people will find the performance “verging on excruciating” while Kara says Nate needs to pick more serious songs. Nate says if you want to have fun every week, you should vote for him. I would love to, Nate, but you didn’t perform to your best ability to entertain tonight. Why play it down? Ryan then asks Nate to introduce himself better to Simon, which leads to an awkward encounter where Simon gets Nate’s sweatband and Ryan somehow finds this funny. Well Nate, hopefully they’ll bring you back for wildcard. But this time, really go for it and make VFTW proud.

Felicia Barton is happy to be back now that sequoia Joanna Pacitti was disqualified. She sings “No One” but she sounded much better doing this song in her YouTube performance. I think she’s nervous so she’s overdoing it and adding way too much to the song, which results in some bad notes and some awkward moments. The girl can definitely sing and I’m a fan of her voice, but tonight she just isn’t doing that well. Simon says the first half of the song was better than the second half. Paula says she wants to see Felicia “next week and the week after and the week after and the week after.” Unfortunately for Felicia, that visit for the next 11 weeks is going to have to be in the audience because the frauen and tweens will always vote for guys over girls.

Scott MacIntyre sings “Mandolin Rain” while sitting on a stool. I was kind of hoping he’d purposely dance around and then fall off the stage, adding, “Don’t worry about me, I’m just blind!” as he gets up. This would easily get him the most votes in Idol history. Maybe he’s saving that one for a week that he’s in trouble. His voice isn’t very good but the judges love it anyway since he’s blind. Kara says, “When you have issues with your vocal, it doesn’t matter, because it comes from your heart.” Tell Alex that. He sang from his heart too, but apparently his issues mattered? What a load of crap. Simon says that everyone else is forgettable and that he’s going to remember Scott. Probably because Scott makes scary faces when he sings. After his performance, Scott asks Ryan for another high five and yells, “I’m a stationary target!” At least Scott has a sense of humor and could definitely be a future VFTW pick. I don’t hate him.

As Randy and Kara show what a piss poor job they can do reading the teleprompter, Kendall Beard is ready to sing “This One’s For the Girls”. She’s a decent singer, better than I remember her being in Hollywood week, but this is clearly a fodder performance. Like many others tonight, she ruins her performance with an awful glory note near the end. Kara says Kendall has issues “with flat stuff going on.” I don’t know what Kara’s looking at, Kendall has a pretty nice rack and I’m not seeing this flat problem. Simon says that strange things happen on this show and there are lots of people who watch the show and love this kind of stuff. He’s saying that lots of stupid hicks watch the show and vote for anything with a twang or story about what a hick they are (see: Michael Sarver).

Jorge Nunez is ready to represent Puerto Rico, but he’s much less interesting than the other fabulous Boricua representative we had from week one. In a sea of gay guys tonight, Jorge is probably one of the most forgettable. But since he sings near the end of the show, the producers clearly want him to move on. He sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down On Me”. His eyebrows are creeping me out because they’re very large and have an evil arch to them when he sings. The singing is way over the top and his performance is nothing special at all. But what do the judges think? Paula wants to squeeze him. Simon says, “Believe it or not, there are Spanish singers who have done really well.” No shit, Simon. Why don’t you patronize an entire race a little more? “No seriously. I might buy music from a Hispanic person one day if it would make me money. I hear that there is a market for that stuff. How adorable that you’re trying to sing even though you have an accent!” What a tool. After Kara compliments Jorge, he starts crying because he says it’s so amazing to be here. Smart move, water works boy. That probably just bought you a spot into the top 12. But when you come back, do something interesting so I care about you.

Lil Rounds pimps out her 3 children again in case we forgot that they exist. Ha, Ju’Not! You only have 1 kid. Lil has 3. That’s way more adorable and pimp worthy. Lil picks “Be Without You”, which is actually a song I like, but the Idolized cheesy version sounds like someone is singing it at a bad karaoke night. Oh wait, someone is. It’s funny that Lil picks a song with the word “shit” in it so she has to bleep herself out. She’s not nearly as screechy as she has been in the past, so I give her props for that. And I did laugh when she changed the words to, “Call this show if you just can’t be without me.” How deliciously tacky! Maybe Lil is more fun than I thought? Her vocal was pretty average overall. Either way, after the tongue bath she gets from the judges, I start to dislike her again. Simon calls her brilliant and Randy is happy that she kept her swagger tonight. I think Randy just likes to pepper the word swagger into his critiques for no reason because he thinks it makes him sound cool. It’s the new dawg pound. This is at least the 3rd time he’s done it. Paula says that she has a sneaking suspicion that we’ll be seeing Lil for many more “lil rounds”. I just threw up in my mouth a lil bit. 

Again, my predictions are fairly simple. Scott and Lil are locks. The other person to advance is 99% Jorge. Ju’Not might sneak in and get that vote, but I’m not seeing it. Either way, no one else stands a chance, and that bores me. Let’s hope the wildcard is at least less predictable and the top 12 starts to make this show fun again. I know it won’t, but I can hope that Idol wises up and realizes that they’re writing the show’s suicide note with their awful changes this year. And if not, at least I can try to entertain all of the loyal Worsters who are forced to watch this excrement.