Semi-Finals Results #3: Post-Game Analysis.

Posted by Professor Chan on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 at 6:04 PM EST
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She's BaaaaacK!  It's clear we're not the only ones enamored of Tatiana.  She breaks down.  She cries, she thanks everyone in the world.  She breaks down again.  She's wearing a horrifying polka-dot outfit.  YES!  The giggling one is back on the show, for at least one more awesome performance.  And IF she makes it through to the Finals (we're talking snowballs and hell here) we'll vote the crap out of her.

Oh, and a bunch of other stuff happened tonight, too.

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I have to say the Group Dance Number was disappointing.  They plopped Blind Scott down on the couch and did some horribly fruity non-moving choreography.  The song was awful, too.  Something about "I got PMS."  I'm on the fence over the lip-synching as well.  On one hand it's fraudulent, like Paula's wig.  But on the other hand watching the terrible attempts at matching their mouths to the words is comical.  Blind Scott in particular was off for the entire song, and kept making furious faces and was just generally hilarious.

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So as I write this Tyra Banks Presents "America's Top Tyra Banks Model" starring Tyra Banks comes on my TV.  Let me say, all of a sudden American Idol is now only the second worst Network Reality TV Series.  

Some of the horrible beasts and psychopaths on this show include: 

Bug-eyed Hemophiliac lover.  

Anorexic blonde girl who thinks she's black.

Anorexic freckled girl who thought she was white but discovered she was black.

Stomach-Turning Burn Scars Girl. 

Epileptic Girl. (And hilariously they had strobe lights during the runway walk.  What were the ODDS of THAT?!?!)

Squinty-Eyed Kentucky Girl.

"Thank You Jesus" Girl.

"Plus Sized" Girl with a huge rack who used to date Dale Earnhardt, Jr. 

Girl from Brooklyn Ghetto who's "not here to make friends."  

And assorted other creatures of the night.  I was ready to end my love-hate fascination with this train wreck show, but tonight sucked me back in.  Damn you evil succubi with sob stories that Simon and Randy could only DREAM about!

And only 40 minutes in we have our first catfight of the season: Kenyan Girl "Bitch, look at your long-ass toes."  Brooklyn Ghetto Girl: "Bitch, you got ugly ass corns."  You can't write dialogue like that.  None of this has anything to do with Idol, but it's a lot more interesting to recap.

Sometimes I need booze to get through Idol Recaps and sometimes I just need an unhealthy dose of Tyra's bitchery.

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So Jorge, Scott and Lil Rounds rather obviously made it to the Finals.   

And the more interesting Wildcards include: Matt The Pe-nist, Magic Castle Tattoo Girl, Megan Cockrey(sorry... Corkrey) and Anoop Dogg.  Thankfully they didn't bring back Gokey's Bosom Buddy like it was rumored.  

But damn, I would kill to have Bug-eyed Hemophiliac Lover Girl sing just ONE Song on Idol.  That would be worth listening to.

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So what did you guys think of the Wildcards?  Are we still baffled on what the hell is going to happen tomorrow?  Are the Gods punishing me with the third week in a row of Thursday Idol?  Is it technically possible for Tyra to un-jump the shark?

Let's hear it from you guys.

--Chan


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Cyanide
Posted: 3/4/2009 at 6:11 PM Reply with quote
Machiavellian Temptress Gypsy

Did Ryan set us up for some kind of surprise twist that never materialized, at the end? I'm still all glowy from Queen Tati's advancement to the Wildcard Round, but have this vague feeling of having been gypped.
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Mapa3m
Posted: 3/4/2009 at 7:04 PM Reply with quote
Location: Imaginationland

It looked like Seacrest was going for some suspense by quickly announcing the 2 people who everybody knew were in. Perhaps he wanted to keep 3-4 likely candidates for last. But then the producers told him there is no time for anything, and the rest was the fastest announcing in the history of the show. I mean, in the last 30 minutes they managed to go thru 15 people and then cut Jorge's song to 30 sec. Don't you wish every result show was like that?
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smakkkdown
Posted: 3/4/2009 at 7:19 PM Reply with quote

did anyone else notice simon giving ryan the finger while pretending to scratch his face?
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Professor Chan
Posted: 3/4/2009 at 7:20 PM Reply with quote
Location: Van Nuys

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Actually I wish every results show was a 30 second blurb on the FOX nightly news.

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--Chan

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Old Tom
Posted: 3/4/2009 at 7:45 PM Reply with quote
Location: Nashville

"...all of a sudden American Idol is now only the second worst Network Reality TV Series."

Apparently you haven't been keeping up with "The Bachelor".

I was surprised by Jorge. Didn't see that one coming. As to Lil and Scott...eh. Not really interested.

As I see it, this 1/4 "wildcard" round is something the judges wanted to give them more control of the final 12, as they have thinly veiled contempt for the tastes of the A.I. voting public.

Well, we all have thinly veiled contempt for that.
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LilTurtleBug
Posted: 3/5/2009 at 12:39 AM Reply with quote
Location: Missouri

Awesome Top Model recap- can you throw one in every week? I'll enjoy that show even more if i had another person making sarcastic comments about it, not just myself :) BC right now, your website is the only reason i still tune into Idol :P
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whattheheck
Posted: 3/5/2009 at 1:02 AM Reply with quote

UGH! I hate the show this year. So disorganized with very few good performers. I have always been a huge fan of the show since the beginning and I can barely stand watching it this year. It's decline is glaringly obvious.

Anyway, I have a theory as to why Ju'not didn't make it, especially for the wildcard. According to Dial Idol, he should have gotten in and I could have sworn he would have been picked for the wildcard, however, he has had health issues in the last two shows. Apparently, his asthma is giving him alot of trouble. They alluded to him actually having to seek emergency care yesterday. That did him in, so to speak. I don't think Idol wants to take a chance on someone like that. It's too bad, I liked him.

We all know they brought Tatianna back for the shear attention she brings to the show. She is a good singer, but the crazy isn't worth it, except for ratings and we all know that is what is really important.

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N12345N
Posted: 3/5/2009 at 1:09 AM Reply with quote

You know that they are picking two girls and one guy tomorrow. American Idol loves to be as close to girl guy even as possible, no matter who is better...
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Pandahh
Posted: 3/5/2009 at 1:10 AM Reply with quote
Location: PA

am I the only one who wants to record Tatiana screaming and giggling and play it at full volume in her head until it explodes?
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manlambda
Posted: 3/5/2009 at 1:13 AM Reply with quote
Location: Maryland

I don't know I think TPTB were just teasing it. First we find out Von is in the wild card and Kara tells him he needs to bring the real you. So was he telling him to bring the shrieking back. We can only hope. Then to name Tatiana. Do you really think they'd let her get through to the Top 12? I think they just one more week of dramatics were they crush her dreams again. As for the rest I like Anoop and Ricky but the girls I swear I can't even remember the 2 white girls and what they performed.

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