I have to start my recap with a hearty, “Fuck you, Idol.” Seriously? It was pretty obvious for weeks that a top 13 would happen, but I thought they’d be smart enough to put Tatiana in for maximum entertainment. But no. This top 13 is full of awful, awful people, which actually is great for the site. But for now, I just don’t see the entertainment value of them yet. Maybe I’ll see it next week. Maybe I’ll never see it. The wildcard was a strange show, but at least more fun than the last few weeks thanks to one person: Tatiana Del Toro.

Jesse Langseth sang “Tell Me Something Good”. It was far worse than her last performance and it suddenly became clear why she was included tonight. She’s no competition for the chosen females. Kara tried to steal Randy’s “swagger” comment and she just came off whiter and lamer than normal. Simon mentions that Jesse was the last minute substitution and calls her performance self-indulgent, saying the performance should be all about the judges because they’re the ones voting. At that rate, Jesse might as well have performed oral sex on all of the judges since she stood no chance of advancing no matter what else she did.

Matt Giraud chooses “Who’s Loving You” as his second chance song. It’s definitely far better than last time, but this is even more self-indulgent than Jesse. The growling falshitto is funny, his lame wannabe gangster scarf is funnier. Kara says Matt can riff amazingly. Looks like he already beat Jesse to the oral sex punch. The best part of Matt’s performance is right before Paula talks, a production assistant pushes two of the contestants to the side to get past them and apparently this is shown on live TV. Metaphoric. Simon says that Matt is a bit like Taylor Hicks, and I don’t know if that’s an insult or compliment. Or is it an endorsement for VFTW? If Matt continues to be boring, I won’t care to notice him.

Megan Corkrey comes back with “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”. She sings decently at times, but her voice doesn’t really stay on one note for too long. The best part of her performance is her dancing and swaying, because it makes her look stupid. The last note is painful. Simon calls her current and says that sometimes the show gets a bit karaoke and she can help combat that. Sometimes? The show is the world’s biggest karaoke competition. But I’ve figured this out. Megan is supposed to go far. So “current” is what the judges will call her when she does something that no one gets. And “quirky” is what they’ll call her when she misses notes. Duly noted.

Von Smith decides to continue to bore America with “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word”. And all I can wonder as I watch the performance is if that guy is taping his kid crying to Von singing again. That’s what makes Von worthwhile. Von’s vocals start off terrible and his queeny side comes out near the end. But otherwise, he’s toned it down way too much and went from someone I loved to someone who causes me to take bathroom breaks while he sings. Simon says Von is becoming too boring. Paula says that she has been studying the way Von performs and has noticed that it becomes obvious in Von’s face when he thinks too much about what he’s singing. You know, I have to give it to Paula. She’s clearly preparing her notes this year so she has something to say for each performer. And although her comments are still pointless, at least she’s mixing it up and trying to give us something new. Unlike Randy who still thinks everyone is “blowing it out the box” no matter what they do.

Alien tranny Jasmine Murray decides to sing “Reflection”. She skips right to the chorus so she can sing big notes and not bother with silly things like melody. She basically screams the entire song and never really finds the correct pitch, but it is definitely miles better than her last performance. With her track record though, she’s bound to keep giving us crap week after week. Randy says the song was too big for her, but racial quotas will make sure a second black person gets in the top 12. Kara is confused because she’s trying to sing big notes now unlike what she did in the past, but there’s no need to worry, because racial quotas will save her. Jasmine breathes a sigh of relief. Choosing the form of an African-American human has served her well this season. Her parents from her home galaxy would be proud that she chose the right host. She almost passes as female.

Ricky Braddy is back, and I’m pretty surprised after the Braddy Bunch website drama. Why would the show bring him back after they tried so hard to knock him down? That’s right. To use him as a punching bag. And they do. After he sings “Superstition” much better than anyone else who has gone so far tonight, the judges rip him apart. Simon says that the song was karaoke and lightweight. Randy calls it self-indulgent. Really? Well Ricky, you should have known better and not accepted the Wildcard slot. You’ll do fine performing locally without the show anyway.

Tatiana Del Toro saves the night by talking about how much she loves everyone before she performs, but her accent is suddenly very thick. She sings the same song again “Saving Al My Love For You” and I sense some shenanigans. Either she really thought this was a good idea (which would make me love her more) or the producers messed with her song choice since she only had a day to clear it. Either way, she delivers the song well again, but this time she acts like herself and really makes the show fun. Paula calls Tatiana out on the thicker accent, and Tatiana says that her accent gets thicker when she’s excited. So there, bitch. Simon says that Tatiana picked the song 3 times, and Tatiana corrects him by saying she’s only sang it twice. Simon also asks if Tatiana would sing the same song every week, but seems to forget that Kristy Lee cook sang “Amazing Grace” 5 million times and still got through. Tatiana also says, “It was so good last time, why fix something that’s not broken?” You tell them. Tatiana also gets in one laugh and gets down on her knees at the end to beg, which leads Ryan to pretend he’s straight and excited. Tatiana, you’ve outdone yourself and I thank you for it. Even though the judges kick you to the curb, let me tell you, all of us at VFTW absolutely love you. If you produce a show and post it online, I will watch you instead of Idol. Clearly it will be better. Thanks for the memories!

Anoop Desai sings “My Perogative”, which is a good choice because it makes him fun. I was growing tired of him, but this makes me think he could actually be fun to watch at times. His vocals were subpar as usual, but I’ll forgive him this week. Simon calls him an enthusiastic dog, and I’ll just say that’s a racist comment so that I can spew hatred at Simon. Randy calls him Anoop Brown Dogg, which is another racist comment and clearly not a reference to Bobby Brown. These racists. Paula also liked that he whipped out some nasty moves. She would.

After all of that, Megan, Jasmine, Matt, and Anoop are placed into the top 13. And Tatiana is left to cry. Looks like the show brought back Tatiana just so VFTW would watch this show. And they got us. Good trick, producers! But now that there’s a terrible top 13, I’m sure our pick next week will help us get the last laugh.

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