Wild Card Night: "I'm Ready to Sing For You, America!"

Who would've thought that taking boring, crappy singers who nobody wanted to hear sing again, and make them sing again would make for such a boring, crappy show?  I mean what idiots would schedule this shit, shoot it, record it and put it on TV?  Sure, they always have the trump card in the fact that we're the idiots that WATCH this crap on a Thursday night when there are other FAR more entertaining shows on TV (Like Season Finale of BURN NOTICE... which was awesome.  And weird Valentine's episode of THE OFFICE, which was oddly not awesome.)

Not even the swan song of everyone's favorite Diva of Crazy, Tatiana and Anoop's reprise of "Prerogative" could save this show from being flung on the dung heap of boring and pointless Idol episodes.

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Throughout the night the judge's repeat the mantra that weeding down these mediocre non-talents "will be tough for us."  Actually, it's easy for us.  Give us Anoop, Tatiana and the rest get tickets back to Snores-ville, capitol of BoringLand.

Tonight, as penance for not getting voted into the Finals legitimately, every Wild Carder has to record a Public Service Announcement where they have to kiss the judge's asses for having the charity to allow them to sing again.  "I'm really, REALLY grateful for you guys giving me this opportunity..."  Now they all need to go record apologies to us for sucking so badly and wasting our time tonight.  

I am in a foul mood.

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Jesse Langseth - "Tell Me Something Good" -- Uh, nope sorry.  You're going home for good this time.

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Matt Giraud the Dueling Pe-nist - "Who's Loving You" by the Jackson 5

Matt is the kind of jack-ass who fires the finger pistols non-ironically.  He's earnestly shooting the Double Isaacs at us.  You're a tool Matt, I don't care what you sing.  Of course he sings Michael Jackson.  Paula and Kara slobber and horndog all over Matt.  Kara's glad Matt brought his "bluesy, soulful" persona back.  "Now that's all you can do for the rest of the show.  Don't deviate one goddamn inch from bluesy and soulful or we're cutting you down, dude.  Do NOT mess with me" says Kara.  I may be paraphrasing a little.

GRADE: D ==--  Matt sucks.  I don't understand how this crap is the least bit contemporary.  We DO NOT need another Elliott Yamin.  

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Megan "Magic Castle Tattoo" Cockrey... er, Corkrey - "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" as sung by Katharine McPhee. 

Megan sings an uninspired version of this two-note song.  She does do her charming and dorky Chuck E. Cheese Robotic Rat dance again.  I guess that's her signature move.  That's a shitty signature move, Megan.  You need a new one.  After the luscious La McPhee sings this song whilst scrambling around on her knees, you need to bring something new to the table.

GRADE: D ==-- Megan sounds okay, but the arrangement involves singing the same two notes in an endless loop.  She only gets to the "No, no, no" chorus at the end but by then I was snoozing.

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Von Smith -- "What Do I Have To Do To Make You Love Me?" -- Shout some more.  And try singing the tune next time.  Oh, right.  There is no next time for Von.

The judges drool all over Von and Paula boldly declares: "You have what it takes."  Really?  How do we know that?  We've only seen him give dreary performances on half-assed songs like this one.

GRADE: FAIL -- He's gone, again.  I don't care any more about Von.

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Jasmine Murray -- "That Goddamn Mulan song" by Mariah Carey.

Jasmine has weird vocal phrasing and she's out of tune for the first half of the song.  She gets better when it gets to the Mariah Carey over-emoting dramatic part of the tune.  Did I mention that I hate this song?  Did I mention that Jasmine's mom is wearing a ratty Cocker Spaniel pelt on her head?  It kind of makes Paula's schipperke skin wig look down-market and gauche.  

GRADE: D ==---  The judges love Jasmine.  I don't know why they needed to let in yet another precocious 17 year old with promise who flames out by week two of the Finals, but they did.  I guess it's as good a time as any to mention that Paula's LSD inspired pink leopard print blouse with glittery pink scarf ensemble was blindingly awful.  I'll spare you the eyeball pain but I wanted to show you guys this.  I may just be drunk, but Paula looks a little different in this photo.  Hmm...

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.tmz.com/media/2007/11/1114_paula_abdul.jpg

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Ricky Braddy -- "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder

Ricky is trying too hard and he sings a very karaoke rendition.  He doesn't have the voice to carry off the song.  And his performance is cheesy.  And he's gone.

GRADE: D ==--  Randy offers Ricky some sage showbiz advice going forward with his career... "Dude you can really blow.  No, I mean honestly.  But not nearly enough to get you into the Finals.  Seriously, dawg, they don't call her Megan Cockrey for nuthin'.  Yo, SHE'S a finalist.  Fo sho', Dawg."  I'm probably embellishing a little.

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At this point in the show I'm seriously underwhelmed by all of the performances.  None of them deserved another shot.  Except for...

Ta-Da!  Tatiana and her Amazing Craziness -- Sings "Saving All My Love For You" for what seems to be the millionth time.  And it feels like she's singing it just to me.  This never gets old.  Well, okay, it does get a little old.

Tatiana hijacks the show for about 10 glorious minutes.  First in her Bootlicking Video she says, "I'm ready to sing for you America.  Thank you so much."  She sings her one song decently.  It's a little slow in the beginning, but picks up when she gets to the shouting dramatic part at the end.  And she wraps up her Idol stint with an exhausted bow at the end.  Classy.  Then she refuses to let go of the limelight.  She doesn't let the judges get a word of criticism in, as she keeps talking over them and does her creepy nervous giggle that she doesn't even realize she's doing.  Kind of like Norman Bates.  That's one way to handle a negative critique.  I don't remember anyone doing that before.  Then she reaches into her showbiz bag of affectations and tricks.  She giggles some more, mentions that she just giggled like everyone wanted her to, then she falls to her knees.  Ryan prolongs the bit by telling her to "Stay on her knees."  That ups the ickiness-factor for this segment.  Then Tatiana pouts with her head down 6 inches in front of the judge's table.  Paula beatifically kisses her forehead and sagely proclaims, "You're going places.  And you'll be an actor, too."  Great.  While you're at it Paula, bless her with a million dollars,  a condo in Miami Beach and a lifetime gig at the Gold Nugget in Vegas.  Can you do that Magic Botox Genie Woman wearing the blindingly shiny pink scarf?

GRADE: A+ -- A fine all around farewell performance from our beloved Worster.  Her singing was decent too.

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Anoop Dawg -- "My Prerogative" by Bobby Brown.  Again.  Really dude, you don't have a second ironic pop songs with which to grope yourself on national TV?  I'm so disappointed.

Anoop does a better version of the Bobby Brown ditty than his Hollywood performance but it's disappointing that he's already repeating himself.  Shouldn't Anoop be busting out different nasty songs every week?  Doesn't he have a treasure chest of ironic versions of "I'll Make Love To You", "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Let Me Funk You In Your Earhole?" that he can call up as the theme night demands it? (I actually wrote that last song.)

GRADE C+ == Anoop sang well in parts, grabbed his crotch in others.  But it lost a little in inventiveness and shock value.

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Anoop is in the pimp slot, so he and Matt The Pe-Nist are through.  So are Cock-ring and Jasmine.  Simon actually declares at one point "We're not just going to put boring singers through.  We'll pick people with personality."  Before putting 3 out of 4 boring singers with no personality through.  Simon's a tool.  

Although I hated having to listen to everyone sing again, the producers PROVED that they could run out 8 singers AND 4 eliminations in UNDER ONE HOUR!  Yet every other week it takes two nights and THREE goddamn hours to do the same thing.  Explain THAT to me, Idol Producers?  Why?

So, was all of that build up worth it for Wild Card night?  Remind my why they forced everyone to sing again when the Finalists were pre-planned?

See y'all Next Week for the Seriously, This is the Final 12, er 13.  We Mean It.  It's FOR REALS now!  

--Chan