The reason I started the Vote for the Worst website is because I was rejected at an American Idol audition and I vowed to ruin the show from that day forward. That’s a complete lie. But that’s what most people assume when they read the site. I would never waste my time auditioning for such a terrible show. But being that I run a website that relentlessly mocks American Idol, and being that I found myself at Disney World for a wedding this past weekend, I knew I had to check out this new attraction called The American Idol Experience, at least for shits and giggles. Would it be as stupid and cheesy as the show? Well the only way to find out was to enlist someone to become an insider. So, that I did.

My best friend is a really great singer. I’ve often told her not to try out for American Idol, as the show is a sham and not even remotely a good opportunity for 99% of the people who walk through its cold, dark doors. But I figured a Disney attraction couldn’t be nearly as ridiculous, since Mickey wouldn’t allow it, so we set out to Disney’s Hollywood Studios bright and early.

After grabbing a fast pass to the new Toy Story ride (which I sucked at), my group walked over to the auditions for the Idol Experience. I expected to see long lines, but literally no one was there. I asked, “Where do we try out for this Idol thing?” and the workers were happy to see people who wanted to try out. Apparently, no one cares about trying out for the attraction, so they seemed desperate for contestants. The crew members were extremely friendly though, and treated us all very well. That was certainly different from the real show.

I had reminded my friend before we went in that you don’t win American Idol without a sob story. So she’d better create a dead relative or suddenly come down with an incurable illness before she goes in, or she’s toast. She didn’t feel like coming up with a story, so she hoped that her vocal talent would carry her on. Well I knew it probably would. But this being Idol, even at a theme park, I knew the idiots in the audience would only vote for who the producers wanted them to vote for.

I decided I would try out first and my friend would try out second, so I could go in for moral support. I would never waste my time at an actual Idol audition, but hey, acting like an idiot for about a minute is my specialty. I didn’t want to run around like a jackass and say that I was from the VFTW website (I know, pity, right?) so that she actually stood a chance of advancing. So when I went into a small room to sing for a woman, I brought in one of the wonderful VFTW admins as my “support”. I gave my name and said I worked in IT and that I would be singing “Take On Me” by A-Ha. So I did, and of course it sounded ridiculously terrible because I am a God awful singer. And oh yes, I went for the high notes. The woman seemed amused and said, “While I’m not passing you on, you made my day.” It was actually kind of fun, since no one there was taking this very seriously. So we left and took the walk of shame where I pretended to cry over my rejection.

About 30 minutes passed before my friend and her husband came out. During that time, maybe 5-6 people went in to audition. Really… no one is trying out for this thing. My friend came out smiling and said that she had made it to the next round, as I knew she would. The super excited producer guy she was with had her jump up and down and run over to her supporters and hug us. She also had to answer about 500 questions in front of an Idol backdrop, and I was tired just watching. She was asked if she watches Idol every week and she said that she does (she doesn’t watch TV). She was also asked who her favorite Idol was so she said Kelly Clarkson. Super excited producer guy asked my friend if she owns Kelly’s new album yet and my friend said no (turns out it’s not even out yet… so the question didn’t even make sense). This all translated into my friend then having to say, “I love American Idol, I watch it every week. My favorite Idol is Kelly Clarkson and I own all of her albums.” I think 5% of those sentences are true. I have to hand it to super excited producer guy. He stayed super excited the entire time, and my good friend fellow VFTW admin said that the guy was a tool. Which he probably was. But hey, he was nice to us. After that ended, I made sure to get my requisite shot of me sticking up my middle finger in front of the Idol backdrop. I’m classy like that.

My friend told me she had to sing for two groups of people, and that she had to pick two songs off of a preapproved list. She picked “Alone” by Heart as one of the only songs she really knew and picked “How Do I Live” by Leann Rimes as a standby since she at least recognized it. One of the people she sang for told her that she should sing the Leann Rimes song, because he saw her as more of a lyricist than a rocker. Although she initially didn’t want to, she figured she might as well go along with what the producers wanted her to do. I told my friend to just stick with her gut and do whatever song she wanted, but she wanted to make sure she got to sing. Lord, this is going to be like the actual show, isn’t it? I checked the nearby garbage bins for sneaky British producers blending in with the trash, but I couldn’t find any.

So my friend was told to come back at 10:50 AM to get ready for the 12:00 show. After we killed some time on the Star Tours attraction, she went back to get her makeup and hair done and meet with a vocal coach. In the meantime, I got to see the thrilling High School Musical 3 stage show right outside the Idol Experience, starring 8 flaming gay guys pretending to be straight high schoolers and 8 female dancers who have to wonder how their careers ended up devolving into singing shitty songs about going to prom. And the irony was not lost on me that the “theme park performance” was right next to the Idol attraction, signifying that they’re basically one in the same. Take that, Cowell.

At 11:30, my group was allowed to go inside to sit down and watch the end of the rehearsal. As we walked in, I noticed a camera crew filming a large group yelling some guy’s name. The crew also asked some random little girl to say, “You’re my American Idol” to that guy. Weird, I didn’t know what that was for. But they all were basically told to keep cheering this dude’s name for like 10 minutes. Maybe that was for the host?

When I entered the Idol room, the stage looked eerily like the real Idol stage. But not the okay looking older one. The new shitty one that they made last season. What a waste of money. Giant flat screen adorned the walls around the stage and there was probably seating for about 1000 people. Since the sets of TV shows are often way smaller than they look on TV, my guess is this room was all pretty much a similar size to the real deal.

Then just before noon, some extremely excited sweaty guy came out to get the crowd pumped up. He had us all cheer a lot and told us to boo at the judges if we disagreed. I would have no problem with this, booing is in my DNA along with mocking stupid people. I was amused by his cue screen at the back of the room, which was telling him what to do. When he was done, the screen read “GET OFF THE STAGE!” Harsh.

After that, Ryan Seacrest introduced the show from a giant screen video. His face looks harsh in HD. He then passed off duty to some woman who was trying too hard to be just like him. But she wasn’t on a screen, she was real. The woman called out the 3 contestants and they all got to walk out on stage to applause. Then they all went backstage for some more obligatory banter. The 3 judges were called out next and were exactly as caricature laden as I expected them to be. More on that in a bit.

The first contestant was called out, and he approached the host. Seacrestette said that someone wanted to wish the guy luck and she pointed to the giant screen, at which point Gaspy Archuleta’s face appeared on it. He chuckled to himself some stupid shit about good luck, but I couldn’t understand him between the gasps and laughs. Also, his eyebrows appeared way too plucked and he looked like an idiot as usual. So my knee-jerk reaction was to say out loud, “What a doofus!” The woman in front of me shot me a dirty look. But she’s an idiot. Gaspy’s a doofus.

The first contestant then sang “Go the Distance” from that Hercules movie, and he did a good job. The judges weren’t having it though. First, Randy Jackson clone Rainy something or other told him his breathing technique sucked. Then some woman who was trying to be Paula didn’t like it either. There was no Kara clone, because even Disney realizes how useless she is. And the Simon clone, some dude with an Australian accent, told him he was pretty terrible. I was actually pretty nervous for my friend, because the first singer was decent and the judges ripped him to shreds. But it turns out my friend found out this guy has actually auditioned for the Idol Experience many many times and even got a vocal coach to help him out so he could win. So they’re probably just sick of seeing him. His friend who sat next to me was nice though, because she was snarking on the show with me. Good taste.

The second person up was my friend. When she came out, she got an entire video package about her job, why were at Disney for a wedding, that she was dedicating her performance to her husband, and other stuff. So she got a whole video and the dude before her got Gapsy gasping? Not really fair. My friend sang “How Do I Live” and did a good job, especially since she was ridiculously sick and you could barely tell. The judges all liked her, complimenting her on her unique tone and the transitions in her voice. The Simon clone did say she was a bit bland like All-Bran though. The slow witted, accented quips were even lamer than the ones Simon gives on the show, if that’s believable. It’s just that this time they were Australian. Crikey!

So the last guy comes out and he gets to talk about how he’s at Disney for his 9 year old son’s birthday and how much he loves his son. The camera pans to his son in the audience and everyone in the room says, “Awwwww.” See? I told my friend to have a sob story. She had no chance now. Then, the last guy also gets a video package full of the cheering we heard before the show started. A gigantic group was cheering his name and the little girl says she loves him. What the hell? So the first guy gets gasping (a huge detriment, if you ask me), my friend gets a little backstory, and the third guy gets adoring fans screaming his name making it look like he’s amazing? Well, this isn’t so far off from the real show after all. The guy sings and does “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” pretty well. The judges all like it, but we all know the decision was made already anyway. I turned around and told the guy’s family that he did a really good job, and his kids were really cute. I was glad they at least were going to get to see their dad win.

The next part of the show was the most terrifying. The audience was then treated to a video of Jorbacca terrorizing Disney World. And as usual, Jorbacca is wearing a sleeveless top and looking as awful as ever. In HD. You’ll want to hide your eyes from this monstrosity or you’ll lose your lunch. Jorbacca screams “I Got The Music In Me” while eating random parkgoers and stomping on attractions. It was the scariest attraction in all of Disney World. We’re also treated to season 7 contestants singing along too. Want to know what Jason Castro, Brooke White, and Syesha Mercado are up to? Well, just this. No one else wants them.

Then we got to vote. Unsurprisingly, the last guy won. It was cute to see his family so happy though, so I couldn’t really complain. But my friends all got a laugh at how ridiculous the Idol attraction ended up being, as it was basically all pre-planned what was going to happen. After the results, some tacky audience members approached my friend and the winner and said to my friend, “You should have won, you had the better voice” so that the winner could hear it. As if anyone gives a crap about winning a theme park talent show. Let the dude have his 15 minutes.

We decided to also go back later that night at 7:00 to see the final show and see how the dad in my friend’s group ended up doing. When we went in, the sweaty excited guy seemed to have changed his name. But it was pointed out to me that this was a different sweaty, excited guy who looked exactly the same. You must be able to buy them in packs of 2. The new show also had new judges who acted exactly the same and a new host who was just a dude this time. He had Ryan Seacrest’s lame schtick down pat too. This just goes to show that the host and judges of Idol are completely interchangeable and probably 90% of America wouldn’t even notice.

In the final show, 7 contestants competed for a “Dream Pass” to skip the lines at this year’s upcoming Idol auditions. Why anyone would want this is beyond me. But if anyone ever gets their hands on one and wants to send it to me, I would surely pass it on to someone who would do VFTW proud by making a complete mockery of the auditions. The guy from our round was set to go first, so we knew the depimping was about to begin. Instead of a video package, he just got to sing, and there was no mention of his kids this time. He sang exactly the same way but he was having more trouble hitting his falsetto notes, and that gave the judges reason to tell everyone not to vote for him. So just as on Idol, they pimp people until they are no longer of use to the producers. Then they throw them to the lions. Well what can you do?

The second girl was a 14 year old who had a good voice for being so young. She was also the only one to get a video package this go round. But I couldn’t bring myself to vote for her when she stated in her video that her favorite Idol ever is Syesha Mercado. So that’s who was voting for her all those weeks? Crazy, I thought Syesha Mercado fans were like unicorns or David Archuleta hitting puberty: things I would never see in my lifetime. I also got to sit through some blonde girl murder “I Will Survive”, a 48-year old dad do booty shakes to “I Like It, I Love It” (yes, I voted for him… VFTW victory!), and some girl scream “Independence Day”.

Wouldn’t you know it, the last 2 contestants were the most pimped. First some chubby girl got up and talked about how she’s tried out for Idol twice now and really wants to make it. She sings Alicia Keys’ “No One” and screams just as much as the original horrible song. Then the last contestant gets up. She’s the prettiest, she’s within Idol’s age range for tryouts, and she’s clearly the only one who actually has a shot of making it on the show. She was kind of bland, like an Ann Marie Boskovich fodder contestant. So shockingly enough, she goes last, and this time SHE has the adoring crowd video. Yep, she gets a video complete with, “We love you!” and a crowd of 50-60 people chanting her name. She sings “Vision of Love” and the judges wet themselves.

After I voted for contestant #4, the butt shaking dad (he was awesome), the 2 top vote getters are announced. Not shockingly, it’s the last 2 singers. And again, unsurprisingly, the girl in the pimp spot wins again. People are such sheep.

On my way out of the venue, I overheard two young kids talking about the performance. “I voted for number six!” one girl proudly beamed to her little brother. “Who did you vote for?” The brother replied, “I voted for number four.” There’s hope for our younger generation yet.

So that was my American Idol experience. While the cast members at Disney were very nice to my friend, it’s basically Idol business as usual. So if you want the full American Idol experience, from encouraging random groups to cheer for someone they’ve never heard of so that they vote for them later, to blatant judge pimping that skews toward the only person that could realistically try out for Idol, then you won’t be disappointed. But hey, it’s stupid fun and the Disney cast members are pretty nice. So try out if you will, but “Against All Odds (Unofficial VFTW Theme Song)” isn’t on their song list.

• Add new comment