Well it’s Motown week. Time to hear the same damn 10 Motown songs that are sung to death every year. Whoopie! It’s also time for the show to throw Megan under the bus and try to get rid of her. But ever resilient and awesome Megan might have a trick or two up her sleeve tattoo. So let’s see who did well, who sucked ass, and who made me squeal in VFTW delight.

Matt Giraud started the night with “Let’s Get It On”. As Shovel Face starts at the piano, I sigh, convinced I get to sit through another crappy piano performance. But then Matt gets up and walks around the stage. Now I get why he sits behind the piano, he’s way too awkward without it. Matt picked some strange places to cut the song down, so it loses most of its flow and melody. His vocals are good, but he jumps into the falsetto way too much, and he’s overdoing it (like usual). Randy says that Matt is now challenging the frontrunners, making me think my prediction during Hollywood that Matt would win isn’t too far off anymore. I still don’t quite see it, but Adam and Gokey are going to have to flame out at some point (pun intended for Adam). Paula calls Matt’s riffing “tasteful, classy, and spot on” and says he doesn’t overdo it. Paula apparently isn’t paying attention. What else is new?

Kris Allen decides to keep it boring and pulls out “How Sweet It Is”. I can’t pay attention to his vocals, because his monkey faces are too distracting. They make him look ridiculous. Every time he sings, he does this stupid thing with his mouth. His vocals are good, and the up-tempo song choice is an improvement from his borefest of a performance last week. But dude, look in the mirror. You’re on national television. Learn to sing like a normal person. Or don’t and let VFTW pick you later on. Simon says that Kris might as well be standing at a bus stop, because he doesn’t believe in himself and he needs more of a swagger. Do I still take a drink if Simon says swagger instead of Randy? Or is that only a half drink?

Scott MacIntyre says that “being a guy singing Diana Ross, there’s some huge shoes to step into.” He then talks about how he’s single and how he’s waiting for the “person that’s the perfect fit.” Is Scott gay?  Either he’s trying to slowly come out of the closet or he’s just trying to steal some votes from Adam. Either way, I still like the guy because he’s a big cheeseball in pink pants. He picks up the tempo with “You Can’t Hurry Love” and we get more personality out of him, but it looks like he’s having seizures while he sings. I do have to admit the vocals were better than he’s been in the past few weeks, but still, he’s way below the rest of the competition besides maybe Megan and Michael. Simon calls the whole thing a bit cheap and Randy calls it a hotel performance. As Ryan tries to cut to commercial, Paula and Simon start arguing, leading Paula to pull out a coloring book and crayons for Simon while declaring, “Here you go 6 year old. No, that’s an insult to 6 year olds.” If I remember correctly, that’s the type of insult I would have used when I was in 2nd grade. But it’s all good, as this leads to an awkward moment where Ryan has to explain to Scott what just happened since it was a visual joke and the dude’s blind. Awesome. Then Scott again reminds me why I like him when he says, “You gotta vote for the pink pants.” Ryan asks how Scott knows the pants are pink and Scott replies that no one told him until just before he went on stage. Scott’s a funny guy, and he’s bringing some much needed personality and humor to this lame bunch. Nice work, man, hopefully you can survive along with Megan.

As much as I like Scott, Megan Joy is the VFTW songbird and I’d clearly sacrifice Scott to keep Megan around. Smokey Robinson calls Megan a “half jazz, half cabaret type singer.” Uh oh, Simon hates cabaret. And he’s bound to hate her performance of “For Once In My Life” because it’s her best yet in terms of VFTW. She wore a bird in her hair, because she's cool like that. The vocals seem very strained but her personality is shining through as always. She seems completely lost with the performance, as if she didn’t pick the song but is doing what she can to get through it. The camera even cuts to Simon making a face while Megan walks past him. Overall, the worst vocal of the night by far, but the best VFTW performance in quite a while. Thanks, Megan, you’re really bringing it and I appreciate it! Randy calls the performance a train wreck. Paula says she thought the song was too low, but then thought it was too high, because Megan was missing all of the notes. And Simon says that Megan will be in serious trouble after that performance. Double uh oh! Whenever Simon says that, the person usually goes home. So hopefully VFTW helped to save Megan. Megan stated at the end, “I had a good time and my fans are still there, so give a call guys.” No problem, Megan. I will. Just keep on being fun and pissing off casual viewers of the show and we have a deal here.

Anoop Desai is getting less and less interesting by the minute. I had such high hopes for him after his audition, but the guy is as boring as watching paint dry. His performance of “Ooh Baby Baby” only cements my boredom with him, and his vocals are bad. Boring bad, not fun bad. I’ve had enough of seeing him, can we please vote him out now and keep the show watchable? Simon says that the vocal was great (showing he doesn’t pay attention) but says that Anoop looked half asleep and looked like he was participating in a musical. Randy wants Anoop to turn up the tempo next week and get the party started. Thank you, Randy. Then maybe I’ll care about what Anoop does. Doubtful though.

Texas trainwreck Michael Saver is unlucky number 6, and he wants to bring “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” to church by singing it off the cuff and getting back to his soul roots. Apparently this means doing the same thing he did last week. The Sarver performance checklist:

1)    Make stupid faces.

2)    Sing into the microphone with a dopey smile but barely project your voice at all.

3)    Walk slowly to one side of the stage. Pause. Sing down to those people.

4)    Walk slowly to the other side of the stage. Pause. Sing down to those people.

5)    Walk to the middle of the stage. Pretend to dance a little.

6)    Make more stupid faces.

7)    Continue to sing with absolutely no energy or conviction.

8)    End the performance with a really bad note.

And there you have it, the Sarver charm. Paula calls the performance “Las Vegas loungey.” Simon couldn’t wait for it to end because Michael has absolutely no shot of winning the competition. This is true. And while he’s a boring, boring performer, Michael could possibly sneak by a few weeks with the hick vote and eventually grab VFTW support if both Megan and Scott were to go home. God, I hope that doesn’t happen though. I hate boring people.

Lil Rounds sings “Heat Wave” and reminds me why she’s one of the worst “divas” they’ve ever had on this show. You know the type. Usually it’s a black girl, sometimes a white girl, who sings the big Whitney songs and belts it out every week. Jennifer Hudson was awesome. Trenyce had some amazing performances. Melinda Doolittle was a great singer. Kelly Clarkson came into her own. Comparatively, Lil Rounds is a turd. The other past divas could sing circles around her without even trying. Lil just screams poorly and it’s never pleasant to listen to. That basically sums up her performance. Randy says that it felt like Lil rushed through the song and that people with big voices need to approach up-tempo songs differently. Kara says that this should have been Lil’s week and if she can’t nail it this week, then she shouldn’t be here. Kara also admits that Lil was screaming and that she shouldn’t be doing that. Simon mistakenly calls Lil one of the best singers in the competition who is just picking bad songs. If Lil is one of the best, then there’s no hope for whoever wins.

Adam Lambert plays it straight this week to earn back the tween girl vote he scared away with his flamboyance last week. Boring! He sings “Tracks of My Tears” to highlight just how hard he was kicked in the nuts to have his voice hit the high notes. I do hate the gimmick that someone pulls every season where they “bravely” eliminate most of the band and sing an acoustic performance with a few instruments. It’s overdone and pretentious and never worth the hype. This falls into that category. Adam’s vocals are 85% of the time pretty good, but he still has his moments of indulgence where he overdoes it because he can’t help himself. Also, the camera needs to never do a close-up on Adam, because his pockmarked face is scary as hell in HD. Kara says she has 6 words for Adam, “One of the best performances of the night.” Apparently the idiot never learned to count to 8. Simon says that Adam has emerged as a real star and Randy congratulates Adam on playing it straight. Very funny, Randy.

Danny Gokey decides to tempt fate by singing another fast song, “Get Ready.” When Danny does a song with a faster beat to it and tries to dance, it’s always unintentional comedy because he looks like such a douche. This guy has a cool factor of -2. I hate him so much, and his ridiculous pronunciation of “Twee-ta-lee-dum” makes my blood boil. Joining the backup singers to dance with them was VFTW worthy, but still stupid coming from Danny. Had Megan done it, I would have loved it. Why? Because Megan is awesome and Danny is a dead wife pimping fatass who needs to fall off a cliff. I’m not biased or anything. Paula says that Danny is “undeniable, identifiable, and always reliable.” Who bought Paula a rhyming dictionary for St. Patrick’s Day? (St. Patrick’s Day is the holiday where Paula gives and receives gifts, because it’s better than Christmas for her… she gets to drink all she wants and she looks normal for one day. That’s her national holiday.) Simon calls the performance “clumsy and amateurish.” Well at least someone saw it correctly.

And finally, the show finishes with firecracker Allison Iraheta. She sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” Allison is a good singer, and clearly is the best female of the night, but the mush-mouthed delivery isn’t really helping me understand what she’s singing. This performance didn’t particularly deserve the pimp spot, but the producers probably need to get Allison some more votes after her bottom 3 trip last week. Good for Allison for gaining more fans, but she didn’t have a chance to say anything endearingly stupid this week, so I didn’t like her as much as I normally do. Randy, of course, reminds us that Allison is 16. I think it’s a requirement in his contract to do that and also say “a’ight” at least twice per episode. Kara says that Allison looks like she’s been singing for 400 years. This is incorrect. Allison sounds like she’s been smoking for 400 years when she sings. There you go, Kara. Fixed that for you. But overall, Allison is the only hope the show has this year for a female in the top 2. But it still isn’t going to happen.

Who’s out? Well it’s clearly between the same people as last week: Megan, Scott, and Michael. Your guess is as good as mine as to who’s going home. I’m going to be positive and say that VFTW hopefully saved Megan. So out of the other 2, I’d rather Michael goes home. Because what I want to happen never happens, that means we’ll probably lose Scott. Ah well, as long as Megan stays, the others can all go at any time. Let’s just hope that next week is disco week, because Megan will really shine in that one!

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