Top 9 (Downloads Week) - Megan Wants to Give Me Some Good, Good Lovin Cause It's Like Studio 57 Up In Here

This week the contestants are singing “top downloads”. Meaning they can pick any damn song they want, since apparently people were downloading music in the 1970’s. It’s a stupid theme because it means absolutely nothing, but at the same time it’s a brilliant theme because whenever the show tackles current songs it fails miserably. And when the show fails miserably, VFTW wins! The pre-performance banter is boring, but it was funny to hear Seacrest say, “Last week we lost Michael Sarver” to a crowd of complete silence. Seriously, no one said anything. Wait, who is Michael Sarver again?

Anoop Desai is up first and picks “Caught Up” because he wants to do a high energy song. Anoop trying to be sexy is hilarious, and this performance is the train wreck I was expecting it to be. As he walks around the stage sneering, Adam Lambert must be backstage cracking up at Anoop’s bad impression of him. Anoop basically just looks like he’s smelling something bad. In his defense, a frau may have snuck on stage. The best part of the performance is the breakdown where the background singers all seem to hit whatever note they feel like hitting and the result is an amalgamation of off key chords that is painfully awesome. Kara says that it seems like a bunch of frat guys dared Anoop to sing the song. Kara would know, she blew them all before the show and asked them to dare him. Simon calls it a complete and utter mess, says that Anoop is a wannabe, and that it gave him a headache. Anoop seems incredibly mad at this critique, so he lashes back, saying, “I’m singing one of the songs from one of the most popular R&B albums ever. I’m trying to be an R&B artist, so that’s what I’m doing.” The attitude reeks of self-entitlement and you can tell he’s an only child. But the nasty personality could totally make him a future VFTW pick. Especially if he keeps considering himself to be a “sexy” R&B singer. It’s hilarious!

VFTW songbird Megan Joy gets to go second. She picks Bob Marley so she can go for the stoner vote. I’ve heard VFTW is stoner humor, so I guess she has us pegged. Her performance of “Turn the Lights Down Low” is another instant VFTW classic. She stands there, as if to let her vocals shine, and in this case boy do they shine. It’ll win over VFTW votes, but not really anyone else. The song literally has no melody and maybe 3 notes total in it, yet Megan still finds a way to completely tank, which is why I love her. I do wish she had camped it up more, because it would have gotten her more non-VFTW votes. Kara says that Megan is in trouble and says that her voice was irritating for the first time. Simon calls her performance boring, indulgent, monotonous, and he says that no one will like that song. Ahem, Simon. I personally love it. Megan does too. She says that she doesn’t care what the judges say and that she liked her song, Simon sounds irritated and says, “You’ve been saying that every week!” If he’s getting this pissy now, imagine what he’ll do if she sticks around. Oh I hope she can pull this one off. My fingers are sore from dialing, because one more week with Megan would be magical.

Danny Gokey whines about his song choice last week being 5th on his list. No one cares, wife pimper. He attempts to sing “What Hurts the Most” and it’s completely terrible. His voice is completely wrong for this song. It’s a sappy, stupid country song sung by a boy band type and Danny is using his raspy voice. It sounds way too dissonant, like Britney Spears attempting to sing heavy metal. Except that would be funny. Danny is never funny, only pathetic. It doesn’t fit at all. So I was beyond floored to hear the judges praise this crap. Paula says this is a performance that makes her hit repeat in her car. This is only by accident though, as the “repeat” button is next to the “vodka” button. Simon calls it Danny’s best performance of the season. I’m not going to argue that any of Danny’s other performances were even remotely listenable, but this was his worst performance of the season. These judges, let me tell you. Kara says she got goosebumps from Danny. So goosebumps is the new cool term for syphilis?

Allison Iraheta wants to tackle “Don’t Speak” but all I can see is her ridiculous hair and horrible dress. Way to up the VFTW fashion, Allison. Right on! Her performance is actually pretty bad, because she starts off with way too much melisma and doesn’t concentrate on the melody. Then she suddenly jumps to the end of the song way too fast, not letting it build, and she decides to spend most of the performance singing the extra parts and not the melody. It was a pretty awful choice of arrangement, basically ruining the performance. Randy and Simon criticized her terrible outfit and the fact that she shouted the song. Paula said, ‘I’m glad to see you brought your axe out with you.” When Paula says it though, it does not sound cool at all, so now I’m just picturing Allison as a lumberjack.  

Scott MacIntyre wants to turn things around, so he picks “Just the Way You Are”. And dare I say it, Scott sounds decent tonight. This is nothing special, but normally Scott is the posterboy for hitting bad notes. Tonight, he had very few of them, so good for him. Of course, while he was singing decently, his new horrible hairstyle kept me laughing along with his creepy faces. I still like this guy because he’s freaky looking, especially this week. Kara was happy to see Scott strip the song down. Whore. Paula says that she’s proud of Scott and it has nothing to do with his “challenge”… it has to do with what he does to make her forget about his “challenge.” Well then, Paula, that has to do with his “challenge.” And why are you calling it a challenge? The dude is legally blind, not trying to solve a crossword puzzle.  

Matt Giraud picks “You Found Me” and plays the keyboard surrounded by a circle of screaming girls. Strange. His pitch is way off in the beginning and standing at the keyboard makes him look kind of stupid. If his vocals were better, I could see this being fun and different, but he’s kind of tanking this week. It’s just a weird setup that looks like he’s trying too hard. I do give Matt props for having a pretty decent falsetto though, especially better than most contestants in previous seasons. Simon criticizes Matt for becoming different people each week to stay in the competition. Ya think? Maybe it’s because he had to sing a Michael Jackson song, then a country song, then a Motown song. I mean yes, Matt is kind of annoying, but I can’t rag on him for mixing up the styles. Kara does just that though, saying Matt needs to pick between rock and R&B. First off, he has to switch styles, because that’s premise of the show, stupid judges. Secondly, why can’t a contestant sing both rock and R&B? Why do they have to pigeonhole themselves? Let Matt suck equally singing either genre. Normally I think Matt’s voice is decent, but this week he went back to performing like he did with “Viva La Vida”. He needs to stay away from contemporary stuff, I guess, or Shovel Face is outta here.

Lil Rounds still wants to prove she’s a diva who can belt out big notes. When in fact, she’s not. She’s just a mediocre singer. So she picks Celine Dion’s “I Surrender”. When she screams, it’s horribly off key as usual. Her dress also accentuates her gigantic ass. Not to mention, she’s making blow job faces for most of the performance. But this was probably her best vocal since the semifinals, since the rest have been so bad. It was nothing special, but nothing special definitely trumps terrible. Randy criticizes Lil’s song choice for the 4th week in a row, because he wants her to have more swagger. Again, swagger is Randy’s buzzword of the season. Take a drink. Paula says that she doesn’t want to see an adult contemporary Lil Rounds. I have news for you, Paula. The winner of this show will only ever be played on Adult Contemporary radio… if they’re lucky. The show doesn’t produce “viable package artists” as Kara would say. The show produces hokey, cheesy crap. And which radio market does that fit under best (besides country)? You got it.

Adam Lambert decides to kill all of the good will he received last week by camping it up to “Play that Funky Music.” He still has his hair pulled back like last week, but the similarities end there. He’s treating his performance as a complete joke, evidenced by the song choice. He’s back to the screeching, queeny Adam I like to watch. The one that terrifies the frauen rather than makes their vaginas explode. Adam even does the chicken dance at one point. I really enjoy his campy stuff, because it’s like a kick to the face of Idol, and masochistic Idol seems to like it. Paula says, “True genius does not fulfill expectations. True genius shatters it.” Well Adam shattered some glass with the high notes, so I guess that counts. Kara, showing again how useless and stupid she is, says that it felt like “Studio 57 up in here tonight.” Studio 57? Is that like Studio 54’s suburban cousin or something? Actually, it turns out to be a salon in Washington, NJ. So Adam really made the place feel like a Jersey salon tonight. You do your thing, Adam.

Ending the night is monkey boy Kris Allen. He wants to “make a moment” so he plays the piano tonight. I’m immediately distracted by the ugly moustache he has decided to grow. Plus, the monkey faces are still in full effect. But his performance of “Ain’t No Sunshine” is one of the first times this season I’m genuinely impressed by a contestant. The arrangement of the song, which I’m sure he stole from someone, is really clever and well put together. Kris also changes up the flow of the song enough to really personalize it and make his performance stand out. And as always, his vocals are on par. But I’m not bored this week. So good for Kris for having one the first performances I was truly impressed by in a non-VFTW way this season. Kind of sad that it took until the top 9 for me to say that. But then again this crop of jokers isn’t all that talented. Kara says, “I’ve got 3 words for you- that is artistry.” Kara actually learned to count in the last week. Good for her. Maybe she’ll learn how to not be useless by next week. Doubtful, but hey, you never know. Simon says that it’s Kris’s best performance by far and that he showed some real confidence.

So who’s out? God, I hope it’s not Megan, but the signs all point to her. Since I can never throw the VFTW pick under the bus, I can’t pick her even if it seems like she’s doomed. I have faith! I have hope! Worsters, unite! Megan will clearly make a bottom 3 trip though, probably with Anoop (he went first and was boring) and either Matt (judges hated it) or Lil (she’s bound to be there sometime soon). I hope anyone else goes besides Megan though. She’s really starting to blossom as the VFTW pick, and if she can last through this week, she will have survived as many eliminations as Sanjaya, making her our longest running female pick. That’d be pretty damn cool. So cross your fingers for Megan and say your Caws Caws before you go to sleep and when you wake up.