Final 9: I-Tunes Whoring Episode

Final 9: ITunes Whoring Episode.

We are repeatedly told by Seacrest that this week involves something about I-Tunes, but I can't figure out what. Basically it comes down to that the contestants can pick any famous song they want (as long as it's cleared by the parsimonious producers.) The "Pick Any Song You Want" episode is always good for a few laughs, because we realized how delightfully out of touch each of the Idols are, and how far from being contemporary recording artists they are.

And in the opening video montage I see that Gokey has man-boobs.

---------

Anoop -- "Caught Up" by Usher

This is Anoop getting back to his ironic send-up of popular dance music, and it's pretty funny. Anoop does an Usher song with his tentative dance steps, ugly singing faces and commodore jacket (From "Rhythm Nation" era Janet Jackson.) For some reason Anoop chooses to sing a dance song, so the driving percussion that makes the song memorable is toned way down in the mix. Anoop is far from being a good dancer (and really, if you don't have a choreographer there's not much hope for dance tracks on Idol.)

GRADE: D -- Anoop was in-tune but I'm pretty confident that he's going home. I enjoyed it, it just wasn't anywhere close to what you'd call "good."

------------

Megan VFTW QUEEN Cock-Ring -- "Turn Your Lights Down" a Bob Marley song, as sung by Lauren Hill, allegedly.

Megan continues her streak of choosing the absolute worst songs for her to sing. For some reason she goes with the Lauren Hill version, but I would've loved to hear her do the Bob Marley version. In her bio video she's dressed like the Swiss Miss. In her performance she's dressed fine, green blouse and jeans... (she's got no butt) but she's mugged Mr. T for his jewelry, including a gold "M" rope. So 0 for 2 on her outfits tonight. Megan's performance is all over the place bad. She's behind the beat for the entire song, she's also off-key and her usually odd and gritty voice sounds grating tonight. She plants herself on-stage and fights her impulses to do her stupid swivel dance. All of it adds together for one of the all time great Bad Idol performances.

GRADE: FAIL -- We LOVE you Megan -- VOTE FOR THE WORST!!!

-----------

At this point I'm pretty sure that Paula is high or strung out. She looks glassy-eyed and although she's somewhat in the moment tonight, her eyes are blood-shot and she's as high as a kite.

------------

Danny Gokey -- "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts.

In Gokey's bio video he's wearing a plum colored conductor's hat. He also talks about the country influences of Rascal Flatts. Come on, Rascal Flatts are the pussies of country music. They'd get their asses kicked by any REAL country artist. And that includes 90 year olds Willie Nelson and Kenny Rogers. That's a tag-team match I'd pay to see, watching Willie Nelson beating the living crap out of Rascal Flatts, by himself. And then only at the end tagging in "The Gambler" to maybe drop an elbow and get the pin. Awesome. The performance isn't as nearly entertaining as the visual picture of septuagenarians wrestling.

Gokey picks a schmaltzy song that is right in his wheel-house, although by the end of the song the gravel outweighs the clean notes, and generally he sounds like his voice is dying.

GRADE: B -- Gokey does what he does, and the judges love it. I don't, but I can see how he succeeded with what he was going for. Conspiracy Theorists are going to point out that they specifically put Gokey after the two weakest performances tonight to make him look great, without having to waste another pimp slot to keep him safe for another weak. For some reason the producers and the judges are bending over backwards to keep Gokey safe, even though Adam's been singing him off the stage for three weeks now.

---------

Allison Irehata -- "Don't Speak" by No Doubt

Allison doesn't do herself any favors with her mega-tan and demented plaid Kilt/Dress outfit that sadly matched her violet hair. I think Allison was smart in picking a Gwen Stefani song, as Gwen is a pretty weak singer, especially live. Allison sounds okay in the slow part of the song with her timid guitar playing, but she's shrieking and growling by the time it hits the emotive chorus.

GRADE: C -- If Randy comments on how stupid your outfit is, it's pretty stupid.

----------

Blind Scott -- "Just The Way You Are" by Billy Joel

Blind Scott's dressers are just playing jokes on the guy. With his poofy hair and leather jacket he's mimicking "Glass House" era Billy Joel from 1980. Although the visual image of Scott throwing rocks at people is funny. I fondly remember the water balloon commercial.

http://www.adliterate.com/archives/glasshousesPIC.jpg

Scott is pretty good tonight. I think his career is leaning towards playing Billy Joel songs on piano in your finer department stores. Simon says this was Scott's best performance and I agree. This song was a smart choice as Billy doesn't have the greatest vocal range and Scott doesn't have to stretch too far. He hits his notes, plays his piano and does a great job. He sounds good.

GRADE: B+ -- I don't know if playing faithful versions of 27 year old songs is a recipe for pop culture success, but Scott should stick around for at least another weak. And he nearly falls off the stage after standing from the piano, hence the +.

------------

Matt Giraud -- "You Found Me" by The Fray

This was by far Matt's most entertaining performance. Not to suggest that it was good, oh, no sirree. It was pretty awful. Matt was out of tune for most of the song and his dry humping his piano was hysterical. He also makes lascivious '70s porno faces and growls through the entire chorus. Simply awesome.

GRADE: FAIL -- Based on that performance Matt should be going home. And stop dressing like Scott, man. That's just disrespectful.

---------

Lil Rounds -- "I Surrender" by Celine Dion

Lil Rounds seems so upset by the judges' stupidity that she's beginning to get a personality. It's awesome to watch her fuming while the judges explain how yet again she chose "the wrong song." I mean, she picks the perfect Idol song... slow in the beginning, building to a big, melodic chorus with a glory note finish. I can see her anger as she does everything she's supposed to do, and STILL it's not good enough.

Lil is not helped by over-bearing backing music, and she's out of tune in parts of the song. I've come to the conclusion that what Lil needs are a few singing lessons. She has a big, pretty voice but her enunciation, tonality and breath control are all amateurish. She could be good, but she needs some professional lessons.

The Judges' practically beg her to sing Mary J. Blige songs ONLY. Although Kara has her own wacky ideas of what's contemporary, "Mariah, Eric Carmen..." Eric Carmen?!?! What the hell? That fruitcake was the wussy weepy wonder from the '70s. His ONE song was "All By Myself" which was successfully sung by LaToya London on Idol. It was also famously covered by Frank Sinatra and Celine Dion. So basically Kara's saying "Don't sing Celine, but you should sing Celine." No wonder Lil is ticked off. I can practically see the steam coming out of her ears.

The Producers freak out that Lil gave another mediocre performance so they command Seacrest to bring out Lil's children. "See, Lil has kids, so Vote for her." Seacrest interviews Lil's little girls to predictable results... (lots of awkward silence) and he basically lets Purple Grimace (Randy) hug one of her daughters. Lil cries in fear, as she's afraid Randy will try to eat the poor kid. "Mommy, why is this strange man hugging me?" It's pretty embarrassing. Definitely one of the funnier moments of the night.

[NOTE: Oops forgot Lil Rounds' grade] GRADE: C+

-------------

Adam Glambert -- "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry

Adam continues to impress and amaze as he busts out this faux-funk one hit wonder, and gives his own over-the-top spin to it. Adam is shameless as he adds his own shrieks and pelvic thrusts. It's another awesome performance that you need to youtube right away.

GRADE: A -- Glambert is single-handedly making this season of Idol watchable. Paula blathers on about hopes and dreams or something until I'm convinced she's quoting Ghandi. So I know she's been toking on the good stuff tonight.

------------

Kris Allen -- "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers

Kris continues to blandly exist on Idol. His performance was decent (all of the girls in my viewing party swooned) but basically it was another completely unmentionable performance on a forgettable song. I did a quick Wikipedia search to discover that literally EVERY SINGLE PERFORMING ARTIST in the history of music has done their version of this song. Some notables: Justin Timberlake, Joan Osborne, Maroon 5, The Temptations, Tori Amos, Al Jarreau, Michael Jackson, D'Angelo, Ja Rule, Wynnona Judd, Michael Bolton and Al Green... Stop me when you get what I'm getting at here. Percy Sledge, Marvin Gay, Van Morrison, DMX and Aaron Neville. Damn, no wonder I felt like I heard this song before. Because I have. A million different times.

Let's just say that despite everything Kara said about Kris being original... he's not.

GRADE: C+ -- Does Kris have the awesome forgetfulness to be the first person sent home from the Pimp Slot? Tune in tomorrow and see. Or rather, don't. Let us take the hit, and laugh along with our recaps.

--------------

Let's hear your Gokey in the three Slot conspiracies. Questions, Comments... etc? This is your time.