Top 8 (Songs from Birth Years) - Scott Shows His Punk Side, Lil Prepares to Cut a Judge

This week, the Idols sing songs from the year they fell into comas and slept the entire time. Wait, the theme is songs from the year they were born? You’d never know, as most of the contestants seemed too busy picking out lullabies to actually remind me. Maybe their parents sang these songs to bore the kids into sleeping. As if the theme wasn’t enough to make you tune out, we also had to see baby pictures, and none were as funny as David Cook’s humongous skull. Randy was a cute baby though. The other judges were all pretty ugly or annoying.

Danny Gokey performed “Stand By Me”. His dad let us know that Danny started singing because he told him one day in the car that he could sing. This is all Mr. Gokey’s fault! If only he had never procreated and made Danny and his stripper sisters. Danny’s arrangement is slow and boring, then picks up into a bad 90’s jazz club rendition. Both are equally terrible. It’s like a bad jazz club had a cancelation at the last minute and pulled the first fat fuck they could find off the street and made him sing. Kara says that it brought her to one, two, and three levels of horniness. Kara needs new standards. Paula says that Danny set the bar so high that everyone that follows will have to run fast to catch up. There’s the drunken Paula we all know and love mixing up her metaphors. And yet, she’s still more endearing, interesting, and coherent than Kara.

Kris Allen tells us that when he was little, he wanted to be a taxi driver. After his performance of “All She Wants to Do is Dance”, he may just be in luck! His taxi driver resume could include, “Throwing away my excellent performance and momentum in the top 9 to do a completely awful bad jazz club version of a Don Henley song in the top 8.” It’s just overall pretty terrible. What’s with the last 2 arrangements sounding so eerily similar? Also, he plays in a group of girls like Matt Giraud did last week. Neither performance was good, interesting, or memorable. So cut the girls, please. Kara says that his performance felt like jazz homework, as if a music class forced him to interpret the song that way. Girls yell out to Kris, “You’re hot!” and Simon responds, “So am I, but it’s not about that.” Poor delusional Simon. He thinks his man boobs are hot and that women and men sleep with him for reasons other than his money. Randy and Simon also use their favorite word of the season, “indulgent.” But they never call Adam Lambert that, and he’s the queen of indulgence. Looks like there ain’t no sunshine for Kris anymore.

Lil Rounds’ mom lets us know that Lil’s first name is just Lil. It’s not short for anything like Lillian or Lily. Wow, that’s kind of… stupid. Lil’s teacher also called the name “different.” Because there are no Lils in music nowadays, except Lil Kim, Lil Mama, Lil Mo, etc. Dressed like Mr. T, Lil attempts to sing “What’s Love Got to Do With It” and the results are predictable. She’s screaming it. Her voice sounds bad on every song she sings. Every week. This girl cannot sing worth shit. But you know what, she’s growing on me. Not because I like her. But because every week the judges tear into her for picking the wrong song and she’s eventually going to explode and murder one of them. Come on, Lil. Do it. Otherwise, we have this same script every week.

Randy: Yo, dawg, that was the wrong song for you. Keyshia Cole. Mary J. Come on, baby. But you’re a good singer, dawg, you got that.

Kara: Lil, your lower range is awful. You don’t put any work into it. But man, you are an awesome singer. Sure, we haven’t seen it yet, but you’re awesome!

Paula: Lil, I was hoping you’d be good this week. But you know… you look wonderful tonight. You’re an amazing singer usually.

Simon: Lil, you are a fantastic singer but that was third rate karaoke. Terrible. You need to find yourself and do better.

Lil: Next week I’ll finally show the judges what I can do.

Then next week, repeat. Lil never shows what she can do. She continues to suck horribly and never shows this “good singing” the judges pretend that she can do. So why isn’t she the VFTW pick? Lord, she’s boring. Hopefully next week she brings a knife on stage and jumps off to cut Kara when she insults her. Someone needs to do it, might as well be Lil.

Anoop Desai apologizes for his temper tantrum last week. Pussy. He sings “True Colors” and Anoop Desai makes me want to Annop Desleep. He goes from hilariously bad when he does up tempo songs to excruciatingly boring when he sings slow songs. I can’t even say much about his performance because I was so bored. Randy starts out with, “Dude, you can actually sing” as if he’s surprised. Though to be fair, I’d be surprised after Anoop’s last performance. Simon calls Anoop a singing yo-yo, “one minute you’re down, one minute you’re up.” Simon also says no apology is needed for talking back to the judges, since Anoop can be horrible if the judges are being horrible to him. Anoop was too busy sleeping from his own performance to hear that. What a disappointment this guy is.

Scott MacIntrye, also known as VFTW gold, talks about how he loves playing with toy trains. Umm… how is that enriching for someone who’s blind? I don’t get it. But then Scott does an evil Halloween laugh and I remember why I like him so much. He’s creepy and hilarious. As he performs “The Search is Over”, he continues to make his patented scary faces. The long notes are off key, but the falsetto is in a new range of horrible. Way to go, Scott! It’s also great to see him sing a song with lines like, “I can see forever” and “Love was right before my eyes.” Paula was confused that Scott played electric guitar and Scott replies, “It was my punk side coming out.” I like when Scott talks back, because he’s funny and has a personality. That’s something most of this cast can learn from. Simon calls the song horrible and says that the guitar playing wasn’t much better. Randy then says, “Dude, I want to see you jump off the stage.” He’s blind, you sick fuck. He would kill himself. And then we wouldn’t have a VFTW pick. Randy, you are a terrible, terrible person.

Allison Iraheta sings “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, which has been done to death on Idol. It’s a little over the top, but easily the best performance of the night so far since everyone else is so terrible. Good for her, she is showing again that she might be able to make the top 3. Simon says that Allison needs more of a personality and Allison responds, “Nobody likes me?” with a strange face. See, Allison, if you sang poorly, VFTW could totally pick you since you’re bananas. So work on that. Randy says that Allison reminds him of Kelly Clarkson, and that she can “sing her face off.” Sounds painful.

In yet another effort to get the public to remember Matt Giraud even though the public has clearly stated he is not worth it, the producers let Matt sing seventh. When he was a kid, he looked like a little girl. But as he sings “Part Time Lover”, he tries to play the part of the sexy guy singer again. This is where he fails, because he’s not sexy. He added way too many runs to the song and slowed it down too much, but he is better than last week. That is, until he screeches at one point and hits a note that is more painful than anything any of the others hit tonight. Awful! The judges are running out of time though, because Bruce Gowers is a fucking idiot who can’t get a show to finish up in an hour (ever thought to get rid of the stool chats, Bruce? How stupid are you?). So the judges quickly praise Matt way too much. Kara calls it unbelievable. Paula gives him a standing O. I don’t doubt she gave herself a standing orgasm, she likes the fug boys (see: Corey Clark).

Adam Lambert says that growing up, he was more interested in books, music, and dress up than sports. No shit. He sings “Mad World”, the version from Donnie Darko. And this week we get Lamebert instead of Flamebert. I miss Flamebert. Oh well. I think this performance was better than his last stripped down performance, because it was less gimmicky. Though the blue tinted screen was lame. The last note is terribly off key though. Since the judges ran out of time, Simon sums it up by giving Adam his first ever standing ovation. Weird. It wasn’t that good. Good, sure. But enough for Simon to break through his cold exterior and stand up? Not quite.

So who’s out? Clearly Scott is in trouble. Kris is too, since his song was so forgettable. Lil and Anoop aren’t exactly safe either. So I’m going to guess Scott, Kris, and Lil make up the bottom 3. Anyone but Scott going home would be hilarious, because people would be so angry. That’s why VFTW had to choose him. So out of that bottom 3, I’d like Kris to go home the most since people would be the most angry about that. If someone Gokey could go instead, I’d like that more, but I’m realistic. In time… In time.