Final 8: Scott Leaps Off The Stage... Vocally

8 Singers left.  This is when the show gets good.  Down to one hour shows.  The singing is competent.  And the Idol Judges look like idiots for continuously praising Gokey even when he sucks.

Actually the show isn't quite an hour.  More like an hour 10 as the Producers have an unnatural obsession with having stupid judge conversations, pointless Seacrest chats with contestants, excessive baby photos and random shots of creepy "Fringe" Dude in the audience.

Tonight's Theme? (Bad) songs from the year they were born.  I have done some research and have offered song choice options for the clueless contestants... We'll pretend that Producers give them more than a two song list on any given week, which I doubt.  It's more fun to pretend they have a whole panoply of songs and they just keep picking terrible ones, but we know that's not true, despite the judges mindlessly repeating "song choice, song choice" like sheep every week.  

Actually I just found stupid songs that would be more entertaining to listen to then the ones they DID choose.  And I tried to give Gokey crappy ideas so he could go home.      

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We did get one important bit of information.  Kara was an ugly baby, thus probably the result of her low self-esteem and constant horniness.  So now we know.  Seacrest jibes: "Lools like you made a poopy."  Not so fast Seacrest, your baby photo isn't so hot either.  He looks kind of "special."  

Danny Gokey -- 1980 "Stand By Me" Mickey Gilley version.  Who?

Better song choices from 1980 -- "Funkytown", "Rock With You" and a whole butt-load of Christopher Cross and Air Supply.  Sadly "(I Just) Died In Your Arms" is from 1986.  I tried to find some other Dead Wife songs from 1980 but couldn't.

First of all, I call bogus on the song choice.  The Producer's are clearly playing favorites here (not that the song did Gokey any favors.)  But Mickey Gilley is a country artist and the song wasn't much of a hit reaching #22 on the billboard charts.  So just because someone with a recording contract happened to sing the song in 1980 makes it a legitimate song choice?  Why make the Idols follow stupid rules if they're so easy to subvert?  Kind of like the NBA's traveling violations.  

So anyhow, Gokey sings the disco version of "Stand By Me" and he's pretty bad.  He's off-key from the start and his voice quivers on sustained notes.  The crowd goes crazy, so I'm calling bogus on that as well.  Are they pumping in canned crowd noise like at Indianapolis Colts home games?  Because I can't believe so many audience members could be both deaf and stupid.  Gokey does better with the belting high part and glory notes at the end, thereby winning the never-ending love of the judges.  Kara said: "You just killed it."  And I have to agree with her.  But she meant that as a complement, I believe.

Paula is on some weird drugs tonight because everything she says is obsequious ass-kissing and it's pathetic and gross.  It reminds me why I hate her when she's sober.

GRADE: D -- I guess this is what to expect from Gokey from here on out, cheesy dance versions of played out 50's songs.

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Kris Allen -- 1985 -- "All She Wants To Do Is Dance" by Don Henley.

Better song choices from 1985 -- "Like A Virgin", "Careless Whisper" "Take On Me" "Lover Boy" by Billy Ocean, "Lover Girl" by Teena Marie "The Heat is On" by Glenn Frey and "Cool it Now" by New Edition.

Kris joins us performing from the Statutory Mosh pit.  He's surrounded by tweenage girls, and barely even pretends to play his guitar.  Every song version Kris does is the Dave Matthews Version, so I guess he's just using the guitar as a prop to LOOK like Dave Matthews too.  This was pretty mediocre and disposable.  I'm a sucker for horns so I don't know what Simon was talking about calling this an "indulgent" arrangement.  I would like to know exactly HOW MUCH input the Idols have in arranging these things.  Because I seriously doubt that Kris actually wrote out separate horn parts for this song, then told the sound guys to make sure the backing tracks were deafeningly loud so that we couldn't hear Kris sing.

GRADE: D --  Paula makes a salient point in saying that this was a one note melody.  Way to participate tonight, Paula.  This will be a true test of Kris' fan base because it wasn't very good.  

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Lil Rounds -- 1984 -- "What's Love Got To Do With It" by Tina Turner.

Better song choices in 1984 -- Actually it was a pretty good choice, just an odd performance.  Other options would've been, "When Doves Cry" "Ghostbusters", "Footloose" and the Official VFTW anthem "Against All Odds" which would insure that Lil goes home.

Tonight we learn Lil's name really is just spelled L-i-l.  That's interesting.  Actually no, it isn't very interesting at all.  Lil's performance was an eery impersonation of Tina Turner, from the dance steps, the way she turns her head on certain notes and an attempted growl on the low notes.  It's unsettling and not particularly pleasant.  Just to curry judge's favor she adds two glory notes at the end.  But this is all for naught as the judges hated it and they give Lil a bunch more nonsensical advice on what to do next week.  People, Mary J. Blige didn't have a song in 1984, get off her back already.  We know that's all you want Lil to sing.  

GRADE: C -- Not terrible, but not very original either.  I love how Lil can barely control her rage listening to these imbeciles give her stupid advice on what to sing.

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Anoop -- 1986 - "True Colors" by Cindy Lauper

Better song choices from 1986 -- "Burning Heart" by Survivor, "Addicted to Love" "Sledgehammer" "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco and "Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy.

Anoop continues to make us cry... from boredom.  His vocals are adequate but the ONLY time we like him is singing ironic up-beat dance tracks.  Where's your "Prerogative", dude?  I would've LOVED to hear his "Party All The Time."  Also, Anoop looks stupid in his lime green striped sweater vest and tie with saggy butt jeans.  

Anoop is in the Dawg House tonight as he's forced to repeatedly apologize for rightly calling Kara out on her stupid "frat boy" comments from last week.  Then Simon lectures Anoop on NOT having to apologize for talking back, even though Simon gets pissy like a little girl anytime someone even moderately dismisses him like Megan's "I love you Simon, but I don't care what you have to say" last week.  So don't pretend you can take back-talk, Simon.

GRADE: C -- Anoop sings fine, but he still has no stage presence and is quickly drowning on this show.  Simon's sheep-like mantra of "take a song and make it your own" is stupid.  A much better strategy is to steal successful versions off the internet like David Cook did last year.  He won, by the way.  

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Let the awesome begin....

Scott McEntire -- 1985 -- "The Search is Over" by Survivor  YES!!!

Better song choices from 1985 --   It's hard to beat Survivor.  Maybe, "Jungle Love" "Axel F" by Harold Faltermeyer (how amazing would that be if Scott played an instrumental song on keyboards?) "Miami Vice Theme" (ditto) and  "A View to a Kill" by Duran Duran,

From the first moment Scott does a spooky laugh and dressed up like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat for Halloween, I knew this was going to be a VFTW worthy performance for the ages.  Scott does not disappoint.  He starts with a melodramatic power ballad from the awesome Survivor.  The middle of the song features tuneless moaning.  Then Scott strums his guitar and goes to a falsetto.  Do yourselves a favor and youtube this mother NOW!!!

GRADE: A for Awesome -- For some reason the cameras cut to audience reactions when Scott demonstrated his "punk side."  That would've put him over the top.  Randy tells Scott to "Leap Off The Stage... Vocally."  

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Allison Irehata -- 1992 -- "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt.

Better song choices from 1992 -- "Smells Like Teen Spirit" "Jump Around" and Wreckz 'N' Effect "Rump Shaker."  

In her bio video Allison's mom predicts that "Che's going to be a big estarr."  I agree.  Just not from Idol, because they will ruin her with crappy Idol-Produced tracks on her album.  Allison talks about how she took vocal lessons as a kid, which makes me happy.  It's refreshing to have a contestant who actually knows singing technique.  The song is schmaltzy so of course Simon loves it.

GRADE: B+  -- Allison does her usual professional singing.  She's pretty good.  It'll be embarrassing for the show if she's in the bottom 3 again.  What's also embarrassing is how Paula slathers on the fawning butt-licking.  Please, Paula.  It's gross if you keep telling every single one of them that they are "the biggest thing since Oxycontin."

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Matt Giraud -- 1985 -- "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder.  Hey, that's a foul, Kevin Covais OWNS this song, Dude.

Better Song Choices from 1985 -- "Some Like It Hot" by The Power Station, "I'm on Fire" by Bruce Springsteen, "St. Elmo's Fire"...  "The Heat is On."  And "One Night in Bangkok" by some dude named Murray Head.  I love that song.  What other song from a Broadway play hit #3 on the pop charts?  Exactly.  And it's a play about chess.  And Thai hookers.  Awesome.

In Matt's bio video we learn he's an even bigger geek than we imagined... for a Dueling Pee-nist that's mucho Geekiness.  In Matt's case he got the lead in some angel play when he was 10.  "I got 72 lines.  I thought that was a big deal."  Not only did Matt COUNT how many lines he had in a crappy fifth grade play, but the fact that he REMEMBERS he had 72 lines and that was his greatest professional achievement to this point that makes him a total geek.

Paula is in Simon's lap for half the song so it must've been good.  I think one of the reasons she's so intolerable is because despite her background as a choreographer she dances like a drunk old lady at a wedding who never quite knows the song but wants to be part of the dancing action.  The key word, of course, is DRUNK.

[NOTE: WHOOPS FORGOT THE GRADE] -- I'll go C+.  Nothing objectionable, but nothing you couldn't find at your finer karaoke bar on a Wednesday night.  Or even at a crappy karaoke bar on any night.

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Adam Lambert - 1982 -- "Mad World" by Tears For Fears

Better Song Choice -- Actually that's a pretty awesome song choice.  

Adam has good taste in music as he picked a legitimately good song, and sang it wonderfully.  Even when he's forced to do a cheesy song like "Play That Funky Music" he glams it up and makes it entertaining.  He sounded great.  His trademark falsetto was pretty good.  He finds moments to throw in the glory notes to please the judges, and he dominates from the pimp slot.  Bravo.

GRADE: A -- I'm torn over whether I want Adam to win.  On the one hand he probably deserves to win.  But on the other hand Daughtry sold 6 million copies.  So I'm pulling for the Daughtry career path.

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Does anybody have good 1980 Song Suggestions for Gokey?  And Conspiracy Theorists... Were the judges trying to Put Gokey in the bottom this week (going first) so they could triumphantly make the save?  Hmm... we'll see how it plays out.  

On a whole different note... I'm proud to present my latest video.  Hardcore Hunting 2. 

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d8d308b7a8/hardcore-hunting  

WARNING: It is strange and unsettling, has DISTURBING IMAGES, strong language, adult content and other good stuff.  You've been warned.