Final 7: Disco Duds

Maybe someone can explain this to me...  Why do the Idol Producers bother with these stupid genres if nobody is ever forced to sing a song IN that style of music.  For example, the theme this week was Disco music, and although all 7 Idols picked disco songs by disco artists none of them sang it in a disco style.  Well, except for our precious Lil who still doesn't get this show.  Anyways, my point is if the Idols are forced to sing a song from a particular genre, half the fun is watching them stink while singing in that particular genre.  Ever since Daughtry showed the Idols how to buck the system these gleefully stupid Idol theme weeks haven't been the same.  

Also, the scuttlebutt this week was how Kara stinks and everyone is blaming Kara for the show sucking and going over-time.  People, you need to realize that Idol makes money by going over-time.  They goose the ratings for Fringe.  Controversy drives the ratings for Idol up, and the Networks are always working out new ways to screw over TiVo. 

It's really hard to blame all of Idol's sucking on Kara.  The show sucked last year and went over-time every week without her help.  She knows more about singing than any of the judges.  And she writes horrible music, so she's thoroughly versed in the musical genre that the Idols will work in after they win.  If anyone needs to get fired it's fat, idiotic Randy who adds nothing to this show.  This year's failed catchphrase "You can really sing" is grating and moronic.  "That performance was crap, but Dawg, you can really sing."  Get rid of Grimace and his ugly orange and white T-shirt that looked like Randy wore a cheap copper belt buckle in the rain and the rust stained his shirt.  

This... Is.... Grading... The...

{Painfully Long Pause}

Idols.

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Lil Rounds -- "I'm Every Woman"  by Chaka Khan

Lli finally found a wig that works for her.  And her black disco unitard is awesome.  Diamond Lil is mostly out of tune and shrill.  I can't believe the judges couldn't hear how out of tune she was.  Paula makes excuses for Lil, saying that she had a cold and lost her voice this week and how Lil didn't sound like she was sick tonight.  Man, Paula can find the silver lining even in the steamiest of turds.  

The show gets good early as Simon sets Lil up for the sucker-punch.  He says she looked like she had fun, and then before she could wholeheartedly agree, Simon condescendingly says: "Sweetheart, sweetheart.  It doesn't matter because you're going home."  Lil can't take the judges' stupidity any more and defends her performance, basically calling the judges deaf, incompetent morons."  And Lil's Mom looked like she was about to climb over several rows to cut Simon.  She mouths some sort of insult, which was no doubt awesome.  It was all quite entertaining.  But it doesn't change the fact that Lil's performance was awful.

GRADE: FAIL -- I can't imagine a scenario where Lil doesn't go home, but at least she went out after recovering some of her dignity.

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Kris Allen -- "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer.

Kris sings an oddly affecting version of the song in his Dave Matthews vanilla funk style.  It was pretty good.  Kris actually made the song entertaining.

GRADE: A -- And then two minutes after it was over I forgot who he was again.

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Danny Kar-EE-Gokey -- "September" by Earth Wind and Fire.

I can't fault Danny's song choice this time.  I wasn't thrilled by his arrangement, but his voice didn't sound as thrashed as in recent weeks and he hits most of the notes.  The only thing that was wrong was his painfully off-tempo staggering around on-stage.  Is that what passes for dancing in Gokey's house?  The dude has about 8 sisters, one of them could've taught him a couple moves.  

All in all it wasn't a terrible performance.  Kara tells Danny: "Your pitch is always right on."  Except when it's not.  Simon calls Danny "clumsy and awkward" which sounds about right to me.

GRADE: C -- Two octogenarian haus-fraus holding up a "We Love you Gokey" sign sum it all up for me.

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Alison Iraheta -- "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer

Allison does a slowed down, growly version of the song.  It's not horrible, but it's not Allison's best either.  It's the standard Allison performance.  What's really appalling is her skin-tight leather outfit with a silvery satin King Tut skirt and a rhinestone push-up bra.  Who the hell dresses this girl?  It can't entirely be her fault.  Yep, this is about the right time on the show for the precocious 16 year old girl singer with the big voice to whore it up and get sent home too soon.  Simon calls the performance "brilliant" because he knows one girl is already going home tonight, and they don't want Idol to turn into a sausage fest for the next 4 weeks.

GRADE: C- ==--  It's about time for Allison to show us a second magic trick because her act is growing stale.

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Adam Lambert -- "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman.

Lambert takes this up-temp dance track and turns it into another of his wacky, unpredictable ballads.  His high tenor range is beautiful.  When Adam isn't forcing the screeching he sounds terrific.  The funniest part was the close-up of a weepy Paula who noticeably shivers during an Adam high note.  Kara calls the performance "inspiring."  Yeah, inspiring her to want sexual relations with Adam.  Still not happening, honey.

GRADE: A -- This basically sounded like a typically dull Idol Coronation song, but Adam sang it pretty.

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Matt Giraud -- "Staying Alive" as sung by a gawky, talent-challenged Justin Timberlake.

Matt goes full Timberlake this week with one of those on the nose, "I'm not going home this week" songs.  Matt sings fine, but his performance was derivative.  He made pained faces during the high notes and he was out of breath by the end.  In other words, Matt's best performance in weeks.

GRADE: C+ --- The performance excites Randy so much that he starts uncontrollably spasming: "You can really sing" over and over.  It reminded me of Tracy Morgan as Brian Fellowes.  "I'm Randy Jackson."  Simon calls the whole thing "A bit desperate" and I agree with him.  

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Ryan sips from Kara's cup.  By now he knows to keep his distance from Paula's crystal meth and vodka concoction.  Whatever it is it's making Paula shake uncontrollably tonight.  Just another quirk to add to her deep and untapped reservoir of oddball quirks.

Anoop Dawg -- "Dim All the Lights" by Donna Summer

Why the hell is Disco Night all Donna Summer all the time?  Talk about derivative.  Anyways, Anoop does a boring schmaltz ballad while wearing a pink sweater and tie.  This was really bad.  He made the song so unrecognizable that I asked out loud: "Is that a Lionel Richie one?"  It's a dreary song that will test the Idol Pimp Slot Never Goes Home rule.  It was a horrible performance.  

Paula likes "your growth"... on his lip.  Is that supposed to be facial hair?  It just looks like a brown dirt smudge.  Kara inanely declares: "That could be a song on the radio."  Yeah, really terrible radio.  Okay I take back everything I said about Kara, she's a stupid, horny wench that is killing Idol.  Fire her now!

GRADE: FAIL -- My ears are still hurting.  

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And with that Idol finishes on time.  I applaud.  [clap, clap].  

I don't know how but the show managed to suck in new, painful ways that made it  exhausting to watch. 

So it's Lil and who else going home tomorrow?

--Chan