Top 5 - Rat Pack Week Makes Kara Crave Diction

Rat Pack week is giving me very little material to work with. The performances were mind numbingly slow, as if I wasn’t expecting pure boredom from this cast already. But the judges had it all wrong, which was pretty hilarious. The performances that Simon complimented were more often than not pure shit, while the ones that he insulted were well sung. I did, however, enjoy the fact that the show was mentored by a guy whose current hit song is overrun by autotune and is a joke to people who can actually sing. I also laughed about the fact that the show cannot seem to come in on time even though there were only 5 performances to get through in an hour. The show STILL ran over by 2 minutes. Please, fire Bruce Gowers. The man is a boil on the face of good television. So how did they do? Well here’s my take.

Kris Allen had to pick the slowest song in the history of songs, “The Way You Look Tonight.” His vocal was actually impressive, he did a really good job of staying in tune and changing the song just enough to keep it different. But it was Still. So. Fucking. Slow. Can I buy him a cup of coffee or something? The guy needs to wake up.  Kara says that Kris set this technical standards very high for the evening and that she loved, among other things, his “diction”. Good job, Kris, showing horndog Kara your “diction”. Did you let her touch it? In the other corner, Simon says that the performance was “a little wet” and that it’s “like taking a well trained spaniel for a walk, it’s safe.” First of all, what in the world is a wet performance? It’s like when Simon called David Cook’s performance “a bit worthy” and no one has any idea what that means either. I think Simon is using Paula’s dictionary to look up words, because apparently he has no idea what they mean. But Simon completely bashed Kris’s good performance, meaning Simon doesn’t want Kris in the finals. Duly noted.

Allison Iraheta picks “Someone To Watch Over Me” and performs it in a strange looking skirt. But again, like Kris, she does a pretty good job on the vocals. It’s definitely one of her better performances. Randy likes that Allison came out “looking like Brittany Murphy.” What kind of strange reference is that? Has anyone even seen Brittany Murphy in like 3 years? Does she have a new show on Fox or something? Or was she looking at Randy’s “diction” before the show to try to get a new show on Fox? Randy also says that Allison sings like Pink “but with 9000 more octaves.” This is like the time he insulted Natasha Bedingfield by saying her song wasn’t a “singer’s song.” He’s right, but it’ll be hilarious to see him dig his way out of the hole he’s creating. Kara doesn’t say a lot because Allison doesn’t have a “diction”. Simon says that he thinks Allison doesn’t believe she can win the competition. He calls her performance “mechanical” and a “7 out of 10.” Well, it’s clear the producers told Simon to insult Kris and Allison. I’m just not able to figure out whether it’s because the producers want Kris and Allison out (maybe) or because the producers want Kris and Allison to get sympathy votes so Matt goes home (more likely). It’s probably #2.

Speaking of Matt, he’s up third singing “My Funny Valentine”, a song about a woman who is not attractive but is loveable anyway. Kind of like how Matt has a really ugly boil/cyst/birthmark/pimple on his forehead, but VFTW likes him anyway. Or kind of like the frauen who watch this show. They’re usually hideous. The fedora covers the boil though, so all we have this week to concentrate on is Matt’s vocal ability. Ooh, not such a good move unless he really loves VFTW too. The vocals are shaky for the entire performance except for the decent glory notes. But Matt is obviously the worst vocalist left by a mile. Kara says that “the competition is so stiff, you have to be the leader of the pack to establish yourself.” I think she’s still referring to Kris’s stiff “diction”. Simon really liked the performance, saying it was “absolutely brilliant.” OK, seriously? Now I’ve figured it out. This is just a game to make sure Matt doesn’t get pity votes. Sorry, Matt. You’re toast.

Danny Gokey will sing to us “Come Rain or Come Shine.” What about come tornado that takes Danny away to a far away land where I don’t have to see him ever again? This sounds like all of his other obnoxious performances. Why does he feel the need to scream everything? He’s like the male Fantasia, but at least Fantasia has klazz and didn’t pimp a dead relative to win. The performance is painful to listen to, but predictably, the judges love it. Gokey even claps for himself afterwards. What kind of douche does that? Randy offers up the same fucking cliché he uses every week- “Let me remind everybody one thing. This is a singing competition… and you can sing!” Randy the robot must be on Autodawg mode right now, because I’ve heard that phrase at least 10 times so far this year. Looks like someone needs the Autodawg 2.0 upgrade. Kara thought Danny brought what he was missing so far all season- the Rat Pack swagger. She must like his “diction” as well. Kara thinks that Danny should always do standards. But Kara, the douche has no standards. Simon agrees with Kara and says that Danny delivered his best vocal in weeks. Is that the Rat Pack rolling over in their graves? Maybe Danny can dig them up and use them for even more votes next week.

Adam Lambert ends the show with a laughable version of “Feeling Good.” From his saucy walk down the stairs to the way he spit off to the side of the microphone the first time he said “feeling” to his ugly white suit, Adam was a complete joke tonight. His shtick has worn thin, because it’s the same thing every week, but it’s still much funnier to watch than the others. Also, the way he sticks out his tongue when he sings is extremely comical. Oh Adam, I can’t believe this is what they want to win the show. You? Hilarious! You may just become VFTW at some point after all. Randy says it was a little too theatrical and a little too drama filled, meaning: Dude, stop acting gay. Kara said her mouth drops open every time Adam performs. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. Whenever she sees a guy on stage, her mouth drops open because she assumes he’s going to put his “diction” in it. But honestly, Kara says she’s surprised every time Adam performs. Why? He just alternates between 2 things back and forth. How is that even remotely surprising? Then again, with Kara’s limited grasp of intelligence, I’m sure she’s surprised everytime someone plays Peek-A-Boo with her.

Matt’s probably gone. I hope I’m wrong, but I just don’t see Simon’s stupid plan playing out any other way. America is stupid and always does what he wants. If somehow Matt can survive, say goodbye to Kris, the only legitimate threat to the inevitable Danny-Adam finale.