Final Five -- Glambert Shines, And Other People Sing

"Rat Pack" night threatened to put me to sleep and keep me there if not for the awesomeness of Adam and his wildly entertaining, 100 miles over the top performance of "Feeling Good." 

Jamie Foxx as an inexplicable vocal coach was helpful and amusing and he was willing to put up with Gokey's garlic and sardine breath.  Also, the show has a manageable 5 singers and is only an hour long.  So yay for the small things.

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Kris Allen -- "The Way You Look Tonight"

At least Kris is honest about his weak voice, apologizing to Jamie Foxx before he started singing.  Kris' can-do attitude is likable and part of the reason he's still on the show.  He sings the song well, if not exceptionally, but when you sing the standards you need a strong voice to carry the tune.  Kris sounded fine but the tempo was torturously slow leaving Kris' thin voice just hanging there.  His voice just doesn't have that oomph to impress.

GRADE: C -- Not bad, but boring.  Simon calls the performance "wet" but I think he meant Kara, who was trying to set a world's record in ass-kissing tonight.  She's trying so hard to please her critics and Idol Producers that she's going out of her way to heap praise on everyone's performances, no matter how bad they were.  Her ridiculously over-the-top praise made her seem like that drunk, disheveled girl with vomit on her breath and missing a shoe.  In other words "Desperation" personified, also known as Paula's Monday nights.

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Allison Iraheta -- "Someone to Watch Over Me"

Allison has better hair and a nice, non-slutty outfit tonight.  And her voice is big enough to carry the dirge-like arrangement of the song.  She sounded really good, with her raspiness and silly "h-pronunciations" put to good effect.  Of course she was over-emoting and over the top, but that's kind of called for on this show.  At least it showed she was giving maximum effort.

GRADE: B -- I originally thought Simon was full of crap when he said Allison might be in trouble, but after hearing the rest of the performances I see what he was talking about.  Allison is good, but does she have that breakthrough appeal needed to win the show?  She's almost there, but not quite Idol-worthy. 

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Matt Giraud -- "My Funny Valentine"

Matt either has balls of steel or a VFTW streak a mile wide if he wants to sing "My Funny Valentine" after Melinda Doolittle thoroughly ruled with this song last year.  Matt's version is predictably much worse.  Matt ignores all of Jamie Foxx' advice to just sing the damn song in his normal voice.  Instead Matt goes to the Piano Bar singer bag of tricks with falsetto, trills and melisma.  It's pretty bad. 

GRADE D -- Matt is already halfway home.  Paula said "I felt an emotional connection" but I think she was just referring to her quaaludes.

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Danny Gokey -- "Come Rain or Come Shine"

Naturally Gokey picks the absolute most boring song possible, like he does every week.  At least he just sings the damn song and he's not that bad... until the big finish where Gokey spazzes out and his vocal leaps sound like Bobcat Goldthwait at his twitchiest. 

GRADE: B -- During the judge's verbal Swedish Massage with Happy Ending some random haus-frau shouted out "Danny, have my babies."  Even Kara had to stop and say, "Damn, that bitch is pathetic."  What does that even mean?  Does Danny have the ability to give birth?  I'm confused and frankly disgusted. 

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Adam Lambert -- "Feeling Good"

And so for about two minutes the show got good.  Adam is so very theatrical that it's hysterically funny, and awesome.  He sings the only song worth hearing again.  He deservedly gets the pimp slot, the heroic arrangment and the dramatic lighting.  He sashays down the glowing stairs and owns the stage.  He gives an exceptional, smirking performance.  I loved his cockiness.  I loved his shiny pearl suit and I loved his pause to soak up the applause for his awesomeness after he finished the song.  Adam is so entertaining that he actually makes me look forward to Idol every week.

GRADE: A+ -- I love how Adam performs right after Gokey as he vocally blows him off the stage.  I had to go back and watch this one again.  How many times do you say that about any Idol performance?

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At least the show was mercifully short.  I believe everyone sings two songs next week, which means we get double the Glambert, but unfortunately twice as much boring from everyone else.

I declare that Idol Standards week be officially banned from now on.

--Chan