Final 5: Post-Game Analysis

Final 5 Results: Post Game Analysis

This was your basic bog-standard Idol Results show.  Bad car commercial, bad group sing (Duke Ellington is NOT happy.)  Not one but three pointless guest performances.  And a foregone conclusion booting.  

And with even fewer people to dramatically draw out, place on couches or send to the "right side of the stage" there's even more dead space to fill with "behind-the-scenes" videos, and more judge nattering and self-congratulating.  This hour was punishing.

I will run down the very few interesting moments in my Random Thoughts Style --

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-- Paula's pendulous, spray-tanned boobs were on display tonight.  Sometimes I want to be Scott McIntire.

-- Simon admits he was wrong about Mac Tonight's bad performance last night.  And angels sing.

-- Silly Adam, he fell for that "Stand with the group you think you belong with" and he was wrong.  So he looks dumb AND presumptuous.  That Seacrest is such a Puzzle-Master, playing mind games with the Idols again.

-- Natalie Cole sounded good, but her song was as boring as dryer lint.

-- Soul Patrol!  Soul Patrol!  Taylor Hicks shows up hawking his new album.  His song was a by the numbers southern blues tune.  Something about the road and being on said road.  It had zero melody and the cameras kept cutting to scary close-ups of creepy violin dude and bald steel guitar guy.  Taylor added some new moves to his spastic quirks repertoire: a neck swivel and muted guitar playing.  He played some jawbox then tossed his spit-riddled harmonica into the audience.  I'm worried about whoever picked that thing up.  

Taylor is still the incorrigible spazz that we all fell in love with three seasons ago.  Idols, be careful what you wish for.  THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, singing bad Idol songs with a terrible sound mix so that your vocals are practically inaudible, while sharing the stage with bored and listless musicians  who are laughing at you behind your back.

-- Jamie Foxx sings?  Lip synchs? Dances?  I don't know what you call it, but his auto-tuned song is terrible.  I couldn't even hear his singing, if he was singing.  Can you imagine sitting through one of his concerts?  I can't.  Jamie is entertaining and nice enough, and he sneaks in a plug for his terrible-looking movie, so um bonus points to him.

-- For a second I thought the Idol Producers really would be stupid enough to send Lambert home early, but nope, they didn't have the balls to pull the trigger.  

-- Does anyone really believe that the dude with 6 out of the top downloaded songs (Selling albums is the true purpose of the Idols after all) was really in the bottom 3, let alone bottom 2?  I call B.S.  

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Next Week is "Rock and Roll Week" which probably means all Phil Collins all the time.  And Slash apparently sold out his last shred of dignity to appear on this show.  If he gives Idols singing lessons THAT would be amazing.  

--Chan