Final 2 -- Kara Sucks and Randy is a Big-Fat Moron, but you already knew that.

Posted by Professor Chan on Tuesday, May 19, 2009 at 9:28 PM EDT
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So here we are, the Penultimate episode of Idol Season 8, and the last competition episode.  Tonight gave us still more proof that Kris Allen (who?) is a gamer.  He went head to head with Adam Glambert and in my humble opinion, he came out on top.  Lambert brought his usual professionalism to the show so there really weren't any surprises.  Of course this being American Idol, we were punished with 5 mid-tempo ballads including the Worst Song I've Heard Since Last Year's Idol Winning Song.

The big story, and the true VFTW victory is how clueless the Idol Producers continue to be with their musical tastes.  Year after year they torpedo their own Idol's musical credibility before their career gets going with a thoroughly awful Idol coronation song.  It's like they're compulsively searching for the absolutely shittiest songs known to mankind.  This one was written by Idol's own Kara Doucha-Guardi.


Simon likes to rank the performances head to head.  And so do I.  So let's get on with it.

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Ryan (Dramatic Pause) Seacrest dubs this battle Conway vs. California, and Guy Next Door vs. Guy-Liner.  We get it, Adam is gay and Kris comes from a small town.  And you can tell the Idol Producers really, REALLY want Adam to win because they're setting up the battle between Conway, Arkansas, population 10,000, versus the UNITED FORCES OF THE ENTIRE MIGHTY STATE OF CALIFORNIA.  And Adam.


10 minutes in and nothing of import has happened.


Adam Lambert -- Personal song choice -- "Mad World."  


Good choice Adam.  This song plays to his best attributes, namely his theatricality, his beautiful tenor voice, and his emotional connection with songs.  Glambert gets the Professional Wrestling entrance, riding the stage elevator to the top of the stairs amidst billowing green smoke while dressed like an extra from The Matrix with trench coat and combat boots.  Did I mention Adam is cool?  


I liked his earlier performance of this song, and I think he sings an album-ready version of it tonight. 


GRADE: A --

Kara immediately gets on my bad side with her ebullient, over the top

praise.  She's insufferable.  Paula looks puffy and beat up, wearing a

bra-less green dress.  Cover up woman, your ribs are showing.  She also

looks like she fell asleep on a tanning bed set to Deep Fat Fry.  Her

tan has an unwholesome purple hue.  Simon is merely trying to out-boob

Paula with his shirt unbuttoned to the navel.  Paula still has more

chest hair.

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Kris Allen -- Personal Song Choice -- "Ain't No Sunshine"


Another excellent performance from Kris.  His voice was solid, his song was nicely textured and emotional, without going over the top.  I finally could hear his piano playing over the strident backing band!  


Paula mumbles something about "Allen-izing his songs."  You mean singing watered down Dave Matthews/Jason Mraz, funky white boy versions of songs out of the side of his mouth?  I kid of course.  


GRADE: A


ROUND 1 WINNER -- I'm calling it a tie.  Both singers played to their strengths and neither screwed up.  


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Adam -- Producers Choice -- "A Change Is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke.  


Producer Simon Fuller may be as rich as King Midas, but unlike that mythical king, everything Fuller touches does NOT turn to gold, it turns to shit, musically. 


Who the hell looks at Adam and thinks, yeah '50s R&B/Soul?  And then thinks, "I will be so rich I will wipe my ass with money."


Personally I'd go with some David Bowie, Queen, or even Aerosmith.  Something rocking, Glam and screaming.  I just don't get this pick.  I'm guessing the music rights were cheap.


This song plays to all the worst tendencies of Adam, namely tuneless screeching, tortured facial expressions, and his compulsion to push theatricality over musicality.  This was a truly awful performance mainly because Adam should NEVER sing the blues.  Also the crappy backing guitar was entirely too loud for the lame blues chords he was playing.  


GRADE: FAIL -- If this is how the Producers see Adam moving ahead in his career then Adam will be playing county fairs two weeks after his album comes out.

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Kris -- Producer's Choice -- "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye


This is another thoroughly awful pairing of song to performer by Simon "I Poop Gold Bullion" Fuller.  The song is a jazzy social statement on poverty and the Vietnam War that became an anthem of the era.  Marvin Gaye had an unworldly three octave voice, and layered his vocals to haunting effect on "What's Going On."  


Kris Allen has what we'll politely call a two-octave range.  He sings a poppy, funky white boy acoustic version of the song that starts off too low to enable him to even hit the notes in the chorus.  Kris' talents are credibly singing contemporary pop songs and connecting with them in new and interesting ways.  So of course he gets to sing a song that's 38 years old, that he could never hope to connect with in any meaningful way.


Kris didn't sound bad, but the song is much bigger than a 90 second version that Kris learned earlier this week.


GRADE: C -- Simon says Adam "won this round by a million per cent" and the Producers have branded Adam as "The most contemporary artist ever to hit the Idol stage."  Kris has repeatedly been the most contemporary as he sounds good on popular songs from THIS YEAR.  Adam's best song was the "Donnie Darko" version of "Mad World" from 8 years ago, and his wheelhouse is '70s Hard Rock and Glam.  So yeah, that's certainly "contemporary." (NOTE THE SARCASM.)  And don't get me wrong, I love '70s Hard Rock and Heavy Metal.  But is there any question who the Producers want to win?  


ROUND 2 WINNER -- I think Kris wins this round.


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Shitty Idol Coronation Song -- "No Boundaries"


The song is an over-wrought, and shallow collection of cliches about the weather, that even Simon can't help but mock.  It is shit, and it is impossible to sound good singing it.


Adam is once again given the Star treatment as he gets backing vocals to make his version sound bigger, fuller and more dramatic.  


Kris doesn't get any backing vocals and his stripped down version of the song exposes his thin voice that's ill-suited for the Celine Dion/Mariah Carey vocal exercise of schmaltz that is "No Boundaries."


Adam gets a verbal tongue bath from the judges and is anointed "God's Gift To Pop Music."  


Kris doesn't get ONE SINGLE COMMENT ON HIS PERFORMANCE.  Kara damns him with faint praise by suggesting Kris' fans vote based on "his body of work this season."  Randy tells him, "You should be proud for getting this far."


I CALL SHENANIGANS.  The Producers are clearly in Adam's corner and aren't even apologizing about their homer-ism.  And mind you, this is a week after Simon outright begged fans to vote for Adam so that he could win.


I like Adam and I think he's talented, but he's been on cruise control for a couple weeks now while Kris has been clawing to the top every week. 

WINNER ROUND 3 -- A too-close-to-call TIE of Crappy Proportions. 

SEASON 8 WINNER: I think Kris won this night, and he deserves to be the Idol.  Also I want Adam to have a successful musical career FAR AWAY From the Evil Idol Producers, so he needs to lose.

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Tomorrow's two hour Finale promises to be the shit-storm that it is every season.  I'm watching.  But I have to say, I got more musical chills from one well-performed, well-harmonized version of "Don't Stop Believing" on "Glee" tonight than I got in an entire season of live performances on Idol.  And more laughs too.


Suck on that Evil Idol Producers.


--Chan



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oooh5615
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 10:47 PM Reply with quote
Location: Edmonton

With all my respect, Professor, I couldn't disagree more. Because tonight I got the exhaustive proof of Kris' VFTW worthiness.

While I agree that Lambert should never attempt to sing the blues, he actually did a commendable job with the second song and at least tried to do that shitty Kara's thing. Kris just failed. Shit, he just made a giant sucking sound and failed. I'm not sure that he even rehearsed the last two songs. Or maybe Lambert's screeching was so loud that poor Krissy began to develop a hearing condition?

Much as I dislike Lambert, I nevertheless respect him as a singer. I feel no dislike for Kris, but I have absolutely no respect for him, either. All songs that he does sound like a YMCA bonfire Kumbaya. On the plus side, if the little turd pulls it off, he will be the worst AI winner! Think about it - the worst one! Doesn't it smell like a victory?!
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Ashe Priest
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 11:37 PM Reply with quote

I have to agree that the Idol producers and Simon Fuller are getting really full of themselves this season, what with the insane pimping of their judging staff's "other" skills as well as having chosen their #1 almost from day one and just shoving him down our throats. I will have to admit I'm surprised Kris made it to the finals, I was fully expecting Danny to be there, what with the way the two female judges were practically blowing him the whole time. Did anyone see Kara's face when Danny got eliminated? Her jaw just dropped and she kept saying, "Oh my God!" like it was an impossibility that America would disagree with "their" choice.

Now, alas, we are subjected to the next form of torture by Kara whatever-her-last-name-is: A completely cheesy song co-written by her. It really seemed like last nights show was designed specifically to try and make both contestants fuck up in a big way by throwing them music that is so very much not their style. I do have to say I think Kris pulled off the Kara monstrosity song better than Adam did, but it wasn't by much. Both of them didn't have much to work with when it came to that piece of garbage. I did like the not so subtle shot Simon took at Kara when, after Adam sang, he said he wasn't going to judge the song but Adam's whole body of work. Wow! I could almost see Simon reaching across the table and bitch-slapping that whore Kara for making him sing that song. Thank you Simon, for actually almost saying what all of us really want to say to Kara: You suck bitch! Go back to writing crappy songs elsewhere! Also, WTF was up with Randy's insanely loud striped shirt that extended way passed the cuffs of his coat and that stupid assed polka dot tie of his?
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b1dev
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 11:39 PM Reply with quote
Location: Washington

GO Kris!! He deserves it!! DOwn with Glambert!!!
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whattheheck
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 11:44 PM Reply with quote

Just when I thought an AI finale single couldn't get any worse, in comes Kara and out comes No Boundaries. WTF was that? Pain and hurricanes? That's worse than magic rainbows from last year.

What was Simon Fuller thinking when he picked those songs for them? Gee, let's have them sing about suffering from the 50's and 60's? Adam's song was especially inappropriate for him. Nevermind the way he sang it. Horrible.

I swear Kara and her co-writers were thinking of ways to try to put a nail in the coffin of Kris Allen when they wrote that song.

I hope Dial Idol is right and Kris comes out on top. That's what AI gets for the worst pimping of a contestant ever on Idol.

Only problem is that I really don't think either Adam or Kris will really care. They seem to really like each other and would be truly happy for whoever wins. Meanwhile, Danny Gokey will be glaring through his 200th pair of glasses thinking of all sorts of unGodly ways of killing them.
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Wilfried
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 11:44 PM Reply with quote

You're right, the whole finale was absolutely atrocious.

I don't what was worse - the songs that were picked for them or the face they made while singing them.

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jstarr2000
Posted: 5/19/2009 at 11:59 PM Reply with quote

I pretty much agree with everything oooh5615 posted. Kris was terrible, especially on the last song. The Marvin Gaye tune was beyond boring. Glambert's had better nights, but at least the effort was there. BTW... Cathy Dennis also co-wrote that piece of crap song with Kara. She had about 2 hits in the early 90's and has written songs for Kylie Minogue and also the American Idol theme song. Obviously they were doing drugs when they developed this turd.

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GarbageMonkeySkunk
Posted: 5/20/2009 at 12:03 AM Reply with quote

I didn't like either version much of no boundaries, but i think Chris's version was very lame coming after adam. but of course they couldn't put adam last again.
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Jimmy_Like
Posted: 5/20/2009 at 12:06 AM Reply with quote
Location: U.S.

Thanks for the great review, Chan. The show may have sucked, but it's fodder for your excellent writing and an entertaining read on Wednesday morning.
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Circuit Rider
Posted: 5/20/2009 at 12:29 AM Reply with quote
Location: in the lost and found

I've been pretty okay with Adam this season, but he absolutely slaughtered "A Change is Gonna Come", which I consider one of the best songs ever written. Ever. Actually, the beginning was okay, but the screechfest at the end was ridiculous. People on this show need to stop covering it. Nobody will ever top Sam Cooke. I also hate that he sang "My change is gonna come", which is how Aretha sang her version. That makes me think of menopause.

The winner's single was horrible, but I actually thought Kris' arrangement was much better than Adam's. I could barely hear Adam over everything else going on.
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dukdown
Posted: 5/20/2009 at 12:43 AM Reply with quote

Hate to say it, but you know who that "No Boundaries' song would have been perfect for was Gokey. All that mindless flowery angst would have been right in his wheelhouse, and I wonder if on some level, it wasn't written with him in mind. All-in-all though, could have been one of the worst songs I've ever heard put to the page.

The American Idol is Adam Lambert. He's completely in his element. I personally thought though that after the first two songs, that Kris had out-performed Adam. The final song showed why Adam should be the winner. He can put a strong vocal performance to even the most wretched of songs. Kris needs stuff that fits into his comfort zone. As far as all the professional stuff (i.e. interviews, etc) Kris isn't even in Adam's stratosphere. Adam is star ready, and I think that was the bottom-line that Simon was proclaiming.

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