Top 2- Going Higher and Deeper Into the Worst Idol Song Ever Written. Good Job, Kara!

I do think that this is going to be a photo finish finale. Before the performances, I was sure Adam had it in the bag. But after both singers got progressively worse throughout the night, it made me realize that neither of these 2 are the easy winner since “No Boundaries” made them suck equally. Kara’s song is the worst Idol single ever created, especially since it wasn’t crafted for either of the final 2. So what did I think of tonight? And will anyone care who wins tomorrow?

Adam Lambert reprises “Mad World” and it’s basically the same performance as last time. This time he has a trench coat though. I thought he tried to do a little too much with it to make it slightly different and ended up failing, so that didn’t really help his case. After all is said and done, it was probably better last time. Randy gives Adam an A+. Professor Chan he ain’t. Simon called it “overtheatrical” and said it reminded him of Phantom of the Opera. I love how Simon can’t just come out and say, “That was kind of gay.” Always with the metaphors, that brilliant poet Mr. Cowell.

Kris Allen reprises “Ain’t No Sunshine” second. This was one of the only performances that I said I liked all season in a non-VFTW way back when he sang it the first time. I still agree with that statement. It’s really good. Nothing too different from the first time, but why fix what ain’t broke? Kara says she can feel a Kris Allen performance and it creates an intimate bond. I guess now that Matt’s gone, Kara has to pleasure herself under the table to Kris now. Paula says that Kris has a unique way of Allenizing not only this inspirational song, but every song he sings. First off, “Ain’t No Sunshine” isn’t inspirational. It’s sad. And second, “Allenizing?” Couldn’t she have come up with a cornier phrase to match Kris’s demeanor? Like, “I hear you loud and Kris-tal clear” or maybe “You throw an Allen wrench into every song you sing.” Simon says he was upset that Kris made it to the finale, but now he understands why. Simon clearly still doesn’t get that America hated Gokey with a fiery passion and that’s why Kris made it to the finale.

Adam Lambert’s second song is picked by Executive Producer Simon Fuller. He sings “Change Is Gonna Come.” Really now? The show is going to portray the guy who won’t admit he’s gay as a civil rights activist? This is beyond lame. The vocal on this song is worse than the first because it includes even more pointless screaming. Adam also makes tons of stupid faces. Watching him on mute is actually very entertaining because he looks ridiculous. Randy says that Adam can sing his face off. If Adam actually sang and his face came off, yes, I would find this entertaining. But that did not happen. Paula says that she knows with every fiber of her being that Adam will be iconic. Then she says with every fiber of her being that she needs a pill. Then suddenly, every fiber is telling her that she’s sleepy. Very sleepy.

Kris Allen is then given a song with a deeper message as well, “Whats Goin’ On.” Seriously? This is American Idol, not the Miss USA Pageant. Kris delivers the typical coffee shop performance I’ve come to expect. It’s not bad, it’s not good, it falls somewhere in between. But it’s slightly more listenable than Adam’s screeching. Randy says that we now have a real life competition, as opposed to a dead competition (that’s right, the guy whoring his dead wife left last week). Simon compares the song to 3 friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye. He says it was too laid back for a night like this. What exactly did you expect, Simon? Did you want Kris to come out and scream like Adam? This is what Kris does: boring acoustic music. If you haven’t figured that out by now, you’re not paying attention.

Last but not least, both contestants sing one of the worst songs ever written. I need to rant a little bit about this. Of course, the song was written by the immensely untalented Kara DioGuardi. She can’t judge Idol, she can’t do remedial math, and now we know she can’t even do the one thing she says she can do: write songs. Usually, the contestants sing terrible, cheesy songs and I like to point and laugh. “No Boundaries” takes the cake as the worst Idol coronation song ever. It’s not just because the song sucks. It’s also because the song clearly doesn’t fit the musical styles of Kris or Adam. A song could have easily been written to fit Adam’s glam rock side, maybe some sort of guitar power ballad or something. Then Kris could’ve done an acoustic version of that same song. Simple enough, right? Guess not. Adam sounds absolutely horrible on the song because he can’t keep up with the chorus and breathes heavily while getting lost. Adam’s pained faces usually show up during performances, but while singing this, they totally make sense. Kris sounds just as bad because the song is in a key where he can’t quite reach half the notes in the chorus. Kris also gets completely overpowered by the band to the point where this is the ultimate karaoke performance. This doesn’t even take into account that these are the 2 contestants that people have made jokes about being “more than friends” behind the scenes, and now they’re singing the line, “I can go higher, I can go deeper, there are no boundaries.” No boundaries, indeed, boys.

The judges then refused to even judge the 2 contestants on the horrible song. Even Kara barely judged them on it. All she did was thank Adam for being someone with a high level of talent that sang her song. She didn’t say he sang it well (because he didn’t). But I think no one could sing this song well. Why in the world would you spend millions of dollars on a TV show competition to end it with a song that makes both singers look like amateurs? Great job, Kara DioGuardi. You ruined the judging panel and now you ruined any shot Adam or Kris have at a career. Someone needs to fire this woman, pronto if they want this show to succeed. This is why I’m hoping she isn’t fired. Kara is doing more to kill Idol than I ever could.

Simon is surprisingly nice to Kris after his mangling of the Kara song, and he tells Adam that the show has found a “worldwide star” in him. This leads me to vote for Kris all night. And due to the fact that I got busy signals almost the entire time, Idol will probably bring out the “most.votes.ever.” phrase tomorrow night. Could Kris have possibly beaten prized pig Adam? Let’s hope so, because the meltdowns would be epic. And if not, at least we get to hear a reprise of “No Boundaries” for a good laugh at the expense of the person who has to sing it.

Oh and since the show would have ended on time, the producers had to trot out Farmbot to sing so that the song would continue to run long. I will definitely not miss the incompetence of the Idol staff when this is all over. But thanks for reading my columns all season and giving me the chance to make fun of the cheesiest show on television. It’s been fun, but people like Kara make my job way too easy.

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