Idol Season 9 Finale Post-Game Analysis: It's a VFTW Shocker!

HOWDY CLASS,

Tonight, as you may have noticed, is the Season Finale of Idol 8.  Yay.  Tonight's finale promises to have epically bad singing, embarrassing celebrity duets and Nourmund Gentle and Tatiana both perform.  And for a change the Idol Finale is Terrible-Funny instead of just Terrible-Terrible.  And the results are a pleasant, genuine surprise.  VFTW!!!  

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You'd think by the Finals the Professional Idol Tech crew would have their shit together.  But nope, 6 minutes in and we have our first technical glitch as Kris' mic isn't turned on when he tries to answer Seacrest's stupid question.  How hard is it to turn on  a mic people?  Nice work, bosy.

Since this was a two hour epic I'll just knock it out Random Thoughts Style.  And because Two hours of this crap is asking a lot from me, I'm exercising my TiVo finger when it gets too boring.

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-- First Group sing.  I almost forgot to look for Blind Scott.  Scott brings the awesome blind guy dancing.  The lip-synched performance is other-wise terrible.

--Cook sings a miserable Daughtry-esque song in a sickly green light.  The first lyrics I hear are "I broke my promise that you'll never see me cry.  Goddamn pussy Idol songs.  Fast Forward.  Boop-oop, Boop-oop.   

--We get our first Idol comedy award, where they "reward" the delusional non-talents from audition weeks by letting America laugh at them again.  We see audition footage of Andy Kaufman singing "Mad World."  That was funny, but the joke gets old fast as the bad singing we've seen before gets shown again.  Remember when that guy sang badly.  Yeah, he sucked.  

But then... Normund Gentle gets his own montage.  Nick is under-dressed for tonight, wearing jeans and a hoodie.  I could see the joke coming when he rips off his clothes and has his Normund Gentle gear on underneath, but I still cheered.  Nourmund brings the house down with his "Dreamgirls" song then walks out through the crowd.  Just awesome.  So of course Seacrest kills the joke by wearing the glasses and headband.  "God these are greasy."  HoHO.  That Seacrest is a card.

-- Lil Rounds and Latifah.  Lil has a wig that works for her.  Latifah found a unitard that threatens to explode at the slightest movement.  Not a pretty look.  Not a pretty song either.  Bloop-bloop.

-- Anoop, Alexis and Jason Mraz sing a catchy Mraz ditty.  Comedy ensues as they can't squat in time to the strong reggae beat together.  Ooh, look Blind Scott dancing.  Any song is improved by having Blind Scott dancing.  

-- Kris Allen Retrospective -- Some guy named Kris wearing a New York cabby hat apparently auditioned for Idol.  They skip Hollywood week because no footage exists.

-- Kris and Keith Urban sing a song called "Kiss a Girl."  They sound good.  It's not the least bit country, though.  It sounds very John Cougar Mellencampy.  For the record, Urban's wearing the tighter pants.  They could record an album of this stuff and sell lots of copies.

-- The Idol girls come out and remind us they were pretty terrible.  The only redeeming bit is our beloved Megan wearing some ridiculous pink uni-skort with what looks like a fan napkin for a collar.  Fergie shows up.  She was one of the high spots of last season so I'm not changing the channel just yet.  She still can't sing.  She looks puffy and beat up like Pauler.  That segways into the Black-Eyed Peas singing that "Boom Boom Pow" song.  Has any band gotten more mileage out of songs with stupider lyrics?  Megan doing an awesomely clumsy robot dance was worth not fast forwarding.  Boom Boom Pow!

-- Bikini girl comes out, with her newly inflated boobs and her spray-on tan.  And she sings HORRIBLY.  YES!  VFTW VICTORY!  Then Kara comes out and they turn off Bikini Girl's mic.  That is so mean.  Kara is over the top and trying too hard, as usual.  Man this keeps getting better.  So they have a horrible Mariah Carey vocal duel and dogs are suffering, and then Kara pops a cross-legged squat on her final Glory Note.  Then in an act of sheer whoredom and desperation Kara strips down to her skivvies.  It's embarrassing and shameless, and Kara clearly wasn't comfortable doing it even as a joke.   The loonies are supposed to act like you, you're not supposed to act like the loonies, honey.  

-- Allison sings "Time After Time" with a Cyndi Lauper looking mandolin player.  Oh wait, it IS Cindi Lauper.  Man, they're pretty terrible singing together.  Allison in particular sounds lost and out of it.  They don't sound good at all.  This song is endless like a bad nightmare.  Boop-boop-boop.

-- Gokey sings Lionel Richie.  Of course.  And it's a Dead Wife Song.  Awesome.  He sounds pretty good.  This is his wheel house, singing drippy love ballads to old Haus Fraus and his dead wife.  Lionel shows up.  Gokey sounds exactly like Richie.  They sing a Richie Medley but I'm already Fast-Forwarding.  Bloop-boop-  Bloop Boop.  

- Adam is dressed like a Mad Max Warrior, or a Leather Gimp but sings a totally wussy song, "Beth" By Kiss.  But then rocks out with the real Kiss on a Medley of Detroit Rock City and "I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night"  Of course these songs are vocally kid's play, so Adam doesn't have much to do.  But he does get to wear the Kiss platform boots.  And Gene Simmons sounds like crap.  Remember, any time you sound better than the original artists you're doing something right.

-- Santana.  Mac Tonight sings "Black Magic Woman." but it thankfully turns into a group medley.  Hey Kris, don't dance.  Ever.  And it's waste of space Michael Sarver making his return appearance.  Yes! Blind Scott is dancing again.  

-- Montage of car commercials.  Fast Forward.

-- Steve Martin playing banjo with Sarver.  What the crap?  Sarver's sitting on a stool and he's out of breath by the second verse.  Good for Megan.  She gets to sing: "I've loved you since you took me out to dinner."  Poor Steve gets to have these two ruin his song.  Megan can't sing but we still love you CaCaw Girl.  I was excited to hear that Steve Martin was doing a banjo album, but if it's crap like this I'll pass.  Neither Sarver nor Megan know the words and she's screwing it up.  

Steve Martin gets the best line of the night with this quip.

Ryan: "We've got you here, Steve.  So who's going to win."  

Steve: "I know it's a long shot, but I hope I do."  

Okay, I'll buy your album after all.

-- More Sarver.  What the hell is going on here?  Roughneck gets THREE solos and Blind Scott doesn't get ONE!?!?  Get off my TV Sarver.  You too, Gokey.  We sent you home weeks ago.  Bloop-bloop-booop!

-- The guys are singing "Do Ya' Think I'm Sexy."  Hey it's Blind Scott doing more Blind Guy Dancing.  Not a single one of them can dance worth a damn.  And Rod Stewart's ambulatory corpse is there singing Maggie Mae.  Why is every one of these damn things a medley.  I know I've said it before but the Musical Medley is the lowest form of musical life.  It's the cockroach or paramecium of the musical world.  Rod Stewart looks and sounds drunk.  He can't even walk right now.  And he's wearing Randy's plaid Grandpa Jacket.  ANOTHER VFTW VICTORY!!!

-- Another joke award for Outstanding female.  Tatiana's got this one locked up.  Blonde who can't sing.  Old Lady with glasses who can't sing.  Wow, she really is terrible.  A transvestite hooker who screeches through a song but still sounds better than Kara.

Tatiana's appearance gets applause from the live audience.  We are rewarded with a montage of her freak outs.  "For the guy who said I had to sleep with him to have a career.  I'm a damn good vocalist."  Still funny.

Tatiana wears a super mini purple floofy dress.  I think I saw her Tatiana.  Seacrest does a lame comedy bit where "security" can't drag away Tatiana as she keeps singing.  And Ruben believes it's real.  

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We're hitting the home stretch now.  

-- Kris and Adam rock on "We are the Champions" and Adam just wails.  He should be the new singer for Queen.  Brian May is there.  Every time the camera cuts to Paula and Kara they seem dazed and out of it.  And hey, Megan nearly falls in the background.  Awesome.  VFTW!  They should sing this song every week when someone goes home.  Kara and Paula are arm and arm practically making out, because every SINGLE DUDE in the audience has rejected them tonight.  We've seen Kara's goods and we don't want any, honey.  These women are that drunk and bedraggled.  Now if Freddy Mercury was performing that would be something.

-- And the winner is.... Kris Allen.  Holy Crap, I'm kind of shocked by that.  That means I just won $300 imaginary bucks.  And he wins a dinky plastic "New American Idol Winner's Trophy."  Gee, the Moneybags Idol Producers don't spare any expenses, do they.  Simon is so stunned he can't even get out of seat.  He's saying, "What?  I told everybody to vote for Adam.  Why is this other guy singing?  Who is he again?"  

Adam is thinking: "Thank you Lord, that I don't have to sing "No Boundaries."  

Kris botches the same part of the song again.  Happy ending for Kris.  He deserved it.  Happy ending for Adam who gets to dodge the Evil Idol Producers clutches.  And happy ending for VFTW, because we get to watch Kris' Idol album crumble off the charts minutes after it's release.

Awesome job again this year guys.  Worsters are the real winners.  

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I have to say that I feel this season was an improvement over last year's pre-determined Gaspy Vs. Cook finale.  And far less Gaspy singing too.  Sure the girls except for Allison were a waste.  And the Idol Finale had the same exact format as last year.  But that just makes it more risible.  

The Idol Producers are making it too easy for me.  If  they bring back, sad, pathetic whore Kara, that will kill the show's ratings further and just write the jokes for me.   And since they can't admit when they've made a mistake, she WILL be back.  Good times.

Thanks again to all of you for your comments and commentary.  Hopefully you will return.  Maybe we'll find a cultural phenomenon this summer worth our mockery, and then be sure to join us for whatever that is.  It's a long time before Idol Season 9.  

Best wishes,

--Chan

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