Boston Auditions - It's Either This or Psychic Kids... Dammit

American Idol is back for its ninth season. Nine seasons. That’s more words than Randy Jackson knows in the English language. That’s more orgasms than Kara had watching teenage boys perform for her. That’s more expressions than Victoria Beckham can make. And that’s more than the number of terrible reality shows Simon Cowell has created. I couldn’t go more than a few minutes without a break. When I went to get a glass of water, I caught my boyfriend watching some horrible TV show. I asked what it was and he said it was called Psychic Kids: Children of the Paranormal. I was about to judge him, but then I realized it was probably 100 times better than Idol, so I let it go and mentally smacked myself instead. But I still braved the 2 hour shitfest so that the loyal VFTW readers could have a good recap of what went down. You’re welcome. I accept hazard pay in the form of large checks.

We start the auditions off with Janet McNamara, who plays the American Idol video game. Her off-key rendition of “Pocketful of Sunshine” is not even funny. I’ve played the American Idol video game before. It does tell just about anyone that they can sing. It’s yet another Idol product made with inferior quality and no lasting value, a la Adam Lambert.

Maddy Curtis is up next. She’s the ninth of 12 kids. Her older brother (#8) has Down’s Syndrome. After Maddy became a huge disappointment, her parents adopted 3 more kids with Down’s Syndrome, realizing they were much more awesome than Maddy. Seriously though, the entire video package was about how Down’s Syndrome kids can do anything and that they see the world in so many colors. This has nothing to do with them. Maddy is so insanely boring that she has nothing to add to the conversation, so the show focuses on her family instead. I’d rather see her brother try out. He seemed like he at least had something to offer. Maddy sings an ok version of “Hallelujah”, a song that’s been done to death on Idol and needs to be retired. That’s a second strike for Maddy. She makes it to Hollywood, but I know she’s going to be fodder at some point, so I’m not really all that concerned.

Pat Ford is the first auditioner of the day that I like. He’s a 17 year old gay kid who sings Britney Spears’ “Womanizer” complete with finger wags. Awesome. He then calls Simon sassy and says he isn’t surprised that Simon grew up with no friends. The judges all like his personality but pass on him, leading Pat to say he’ll be back next season. I’m all for that, this kid is funny.

Jennifer Hirsh, Claire Fuller, and Jess Wolfe also make it through, but they’re like the girls you pick up at the 4 AM dive bar when you’re getting desperate for the night. They’re the girls who should have “good personalities” but they don’t even have that. With these 3 and Maddy, this is going to be a dull season, isn’t it? It’s not too late to call Pat back in, is it?

Amadeo DiRocco also lifts my spirits when they show him having a stereotypical dinner with his big Italian family. Mostly because he picks “Hoochie Coochie Man”, a song not done to death on Idol. He’s got a very big voice, but it does lack control. So even though he’s not a bad singer, I think he could eventually do VFTW proud if he keeps up with the fun personality and his voice starts to go. The judges say he’s a nice guy and Simon calls it his favorite audition of the day. After Amadeo gets his ticket to Hollywood, the entire cast of both Jersey Shore and the Sopranos freaks out for about a minute of screaming and crazy faces. It’s epic and I love it. Amadeo then makes a scary face and screams that he’s coming for America. Naughty. I see a lot of VFTW potential in this guy.

Derek Hilton has been working on his voice so he can touch people. He says he wants to be inspirational like Chris Brown, who “touches young kids all around the world.” First off, the one who touches young kids is Roman Polanski. Second, Chris Brown will touch you alright… but only if you’re a smaller woman he can punch around. Is that really the role model you want, Derek? Derek sings “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word” through his nose, and it’s a no. Derek is just sad that he didn’t get to touch America in a new way. Sounds kinky, but he might want to get his hands on something else first… a little bit of acne medication. It does wonders.

Mere Doyle (pronounced Mary) is an anime freak. She has hand-made kimonos, which actually look pretty nice. She would love to be a singer in Japan, but unfortunately her audition of “Piece of My Heart” is just a big, screamy mess. Simon says that her singing was verging on… he then pauses for about 5 seconds and settles on the word… terrible. It took you 5 seconds to think of the word “terrible”? Wow, Simon really has mentally checked out. The judges rip into Mere, who can’t believe she’s not a good singer, probably because the Idol producers have been telling her she’s good for weeks. The judges crush Mere’s dreams, and she sobs. Because of this, VFTW must crush one of the plants’ dreams. An eye for an eye, Idol. An eye for an eye.

Luke Shaffer and Benjamin Bright are two boring singers who make it through. Luke is a bland, blonde, banal, begrimed boy, while Benjamin is an average, ample, Archuleta-esque Asian. They’re so boring I had to resort to alliteration to spice things up. There’s your English lesson for the day, brought to you by Randy Jackson who gives a contestant a “two million thousand seven bajillion trillion yes.” He’s a poet laureate if I’ve ever seen one.

Andrew Fenlon, an obvious Worster, is annoyed about being interviewed all the time and not getting to sing right away. He keeps pretending to fall asleep and holds up his middle finger. As obvious or staged as this is, I can’t hate on anyone who mocks American Idol. Andrew sings decently, but his bad attitude rubs the judges the wrong way. And when you rub Kara the wrong way, her cooch starts spouting venom. Simon doesn’t like Andrew because he’s “sulky, rude, aggressive, and has bad energy.” So Simon doesn’t like Andrew because Andrew is Simon? I don’t get it. Kara then decides Andrew needs a spanking, so apparently he started rubbing her the right way. Kara can’t get through an hour without hitting on someone. Take a chill pill, you relentless harpy.

Ashley Rodriguez is up next. I can’t hate on her too much because she doesn’t use a sob story to get through to Hollywood, she merely relies on her vocals, which are pretty good. At the same time, she does look like a dude with a wig on, so I feel obliged to point that out. Kara loves Ashley’s look. Go figure. Simon says that Ashley has “it”. If by it, he means a penis, it’s possible. She may indeed. Either way, Ashley makes it to Hollywood with support from all of the judges. Who knew they had a thing for trannies?

Tyler Grady fell and shattered both of his wrists while climbing a tree. Unfortunately, this has made him unable to get a haircut or take a shower for months it seems, as he looks homeless. He sings “Let’s Get It On” and the female judges like him. Simon says that this is one of the auditions he’s going to remember. I’m OK with Tyler’s inclusion in Hollywood, because it gives me time to work on my jokes about wrists and falling.

Tyler wraps up day 1, so moving on to day 2, Lisa Olivero starts things off. She’s a waitress who calls singing a spiritual experience. Lisa immediately has Simon’s attention due to her looks. She really isn’t all that pretty though, but then again, Simon thought Bikini Girl was hot too. So the “I’m not gay” thing is becoming less convincing by the day. Lisa insists that she’s better than most people on the show, but she ends up screaming “Vision of Love” off key instead.

Mike Davis is an actor on a speed boat called Codzilla. He actually looks like my little brother from the hedgehog hair to the skinny beard to the black shirt, so I’m not sure what to say. That’s kind of strange. Any way, he has a decent voice, but you can tell he’s young and misguided when he hits on Kara and asks her on a date. Dude, you can get girls that are better than her. Most anyone can. With Kara, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway; she can’t feel a thing. Mike does make it to Hollywood and will hopefully hit on girls his own age. His personality is interesting enough to make him a future VFTW pick, but my guess is he’s fodder that we won’t see again.

Katie Stevens comes from a big Portuguese family and she’s close with her grandmother. Look, Katie, the grandmother thing didn’t work for Jessica Furney last season, it won’t work for you this season either. We learn all about how Katie’s grandmother has Alzheimer’s. I don’t care. Whoring out your sick family members for a taste of fame makes you a terrible person, so knock it off. She sings “At Last” with a slight country twang and has a pretty good voice. Kara says, “You have something that’s either there or not.” Which one is it, Kara? Katie deserves some of the praise, but is easily overrated.

Joshua Blaylock enters the room and I can already see the frauen wetting their granny panties. The guy is 28, yet acts 12 because he doesn’t like to be mean or say mean things. Grow a backbone, dude. After singing “God Bless the Broken Road” in a timid voice, the judges attempt to get Joshua to yell at Simon. Randy says that Joshua should front a new version of Spandau Ballet. For once, Randy is right on the money. Joshua will either become a VFTW nemesis with his obnoxious act, or he’ll become so annoying that we have no choice but to support him.

Justin Williams had cancer at the age of 20, but now he’s cancer free. Here we go again with the sob stories. I’m letting Justin slide though for 2 reasons. 1) He’s good looking. Sorry. I’m shallow. And 2) He doesn’t annoy me like the other contestants with sob stories. I don’t mind him. If he continues to whine about cancer, then yes, I take that back. But Justin seems like an all around decent guy. His version of “Feeling Good” is decent. Randy asks if Justin is going for the Michael Buble vibe and Justin responds that he wants to be an alternative, pop, soul crooner. Wait, what? The judges all act like Justin is some brand new guy they’ve never seen before, but he was in Hollywood last year and even got some camera time then. So what’s with the act? Apparently Justin’s sailing through to the top 24. Kara says she’s going to remember Justin. You should, you bitter hag, you met him last year.

Norverto Guerrero sings a bad version of “Everytime We Touch” and it’s one of those auditions that just isn’t even worth recapping. Trying way too hard.

Bosa Mora, on the other hand, is pretty likeable. His mom and dad are from Nigeria and they always wanted to sing. Now they have the opportunity to do that through their son. Shades of Gaspy Archuleta here. But Bosa seems like a nice guy who can sing and he doesn’t have a sob story. So I like him. After he sings and Simon calls him boring, Bosa says, “I can spice it up a bit if you want” without losing a beat. Nice guy, funny, and seems genuine. Even I can’t make fun of him yet. But there’s still plenty of time, right?

And the last audition of the evening is Leah Laurenti, who has strict, protective parents who only let her listen to Christian music and attend church. She sings “Blue Skies” and it’s really nothing special at all, but Randy and Kara call her one of the best they’ve seen. I wouldn’t be surprised though, American Idol rarely attracts talented people, so Randy and Kara could be right. Then again, Randy and Kara could also have taken out their contact lenses for most of the auditions, making Leah one of the only contestants they have physically seen. Either way, she’s off to Hollywood.

I’m going to count my blessings that I didn’t have to sit through a crappy city song montage where everyone sings the same damn song and I pull my hair out. Good choice on that one, Idol. Next up, fire Kara. Out of a cannon. Into shark infested waters. Sharks with lasers. I’ll fund the mission if you accept.

Tomorrow, we’re headed to Atlanta. And VFTW loves the South, because they’re ruder to the judges and because so many good VFTW contestants come from there. Will our favorite pick this season be from Atlanta? We’ll see.