Season 9: Boston Blahs

Welcome back Class to another exciting--  Um, interesting---  No. 

Mildly Amusing?  More like Yawn-Inducing season of American Idol.  I am

Professor Chan, and I will be your co-pilot through another wacky

season of bad singing. 

For those of you just joining VFTW, I am not Dave.  We are different

people who write completely separate blogs, but our opinions are eerily

similar.  My job is to give people imaginary grades, and to drizzle my

scorn and sarcasm upon this bloated, self-important behemoth of a show

that's really just a glorified karaoke contest.  It also happens to be

the #1 show on TV, which only proves that most Americans still don't

have cable.

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It's a new season, and all of our old friends and their annoying habits we’ve grown to hate are here:

--Seacrest's Non-Joke Jokes.

--Kara’s lack of self-esteem and horniness.

--Randy's "million trillion perplillion percent yes."

--Simon’s complete and utter boredom with the show, and his can’t give

a crap attitude.  Yessiree.  Way to earn that $50 mil Simon.

And Paula, poor, delusional Paula.  Maybe she knew what she was doing

when she quit this show.  More than likely she was just curled up

unconscious in a fetal position after a two week quaalude and vodka

bender when the Idol producers called to see if she was coming to work.

Paula's fill-in this week was Posh Spice and her anorexia.  Notice

how Victoria's list of accomplishments didn’t include “singer." 

Yeah, I did too.

Simon called most contestants "boring", but that would suggest that

the ones that got through were actually good.  Not so.  I’m just going

to run down some of the delusional losers and non-talents that actually

made an impression on me tonight.

I divided the Idol wanna-bes into Talents, Non –Talents and Delusional Schizophrenics

And for anyone who says we crush people’s hopes and dreams, just get a

gander at the Montage of Crying.  Reality TV shows love crying because

crying equals ratings.  But these poor bastards didn’t even get a name

or a snippet of their singing.  So Idol just exploited their tears for

ratings and didn’t even let them show their talents.  Probably doing

these poor saps a favor.

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First up, Delusional Schizophrenics:

Gut Girl leads off the show in mediocre fashion.  She’s unfortunately

wearing a belly shirt and likes to jump up and down.  She sucks,

because Idol always starts out with someone who sucks.  Gut Girl

genuinely seems to have psychological problems, but thanks to Idol it’s

fun to laugh at the handicapped.  The only funny moment was when she

shakes Ryan’s hand and inadvertanly punches her friend in the face.

Pat The Spazz – Sings "Womanizer" in the geekiest, gayest way

possible.  Pat calls Simon "Sassy"  which Simon accepts, so at least

Pat’s Gay-dar is spot-on.

Spiritual Derek – With long blonde hair and terrible skin.  He sings

an "inspirational" Chris Brown song and says Chris likes to touch

people… with his fists.  Best moment of the show comes when Randy asks

Derek who was singing the high part in the song.  Simon: "Little

Derek."  Wait, this dude’s penis sings?  I don't care if he's terrible,

give that gonad a gold ticket already.

Anime Girl with Yellow Teeth – She’s completely delusional and

disturbed, and thinks she’s good.  Honey, you should know you’re

screwed when the producers tell you to show off your dance skills.

Angry Clark Kent – He seemed to be putting on an act, complaining

about waiting three hours to perform.  I call bogus because that

doesn’t include the 12 hours everyone had to wait the first day.  If

this guy could suck it up for 12 hours in the rain he’s not really

crying about waiting in the air-conditioned lobby for three hours is

he?  Bring a book, dude.  Anyhow, Angry Clark had a bad attitude and

gets into a big-dick contest with Kara, so he's instantly my favorite

Idol this season.  Simon teases us by saying he would’ve voted yes. 

Maybe Simon has finally developed musical taste.  Nah, just kidding. 

They wasted 20 minutes of show on this turd.  Kara: “You need a

spanking... And I'm just the Whorish, Sex-Obsessed Gilf to do it." 

Jeez, she wants to sleep with EVERYBODY, and she didn’t even like him.

El De Barge Norberto– I liked his ‘80s look, eye-liner and his monotone singing. 

My

second favorite contestant of the night was William Hung 2.0 who sang a

robotic version of Eric Carmen’s ode to masturbation "All By Myself." 

Good luck with that musical career William Hung guy.  The producers

decide to subtitle him because they’re racist.

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Talents -- NONE.

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Severely Untalented Singers Who Made it to Hollywood Anyway:

Maddy "Brother With Down’s Syndrome" Girl --  She sings a bad version

of Leonard Cohen’s Halleluiah.  In true Idol fashion, they exploit her

sob story for ratings, and we’ll never hear from Maddy again.

Jennifer Jazz – Big girl with a knitted vest.  She sings Jazzy "Wizard of Oz", so I hate her.

Goggles Girl – Sings heartfelt and affected blues.  So I hate her too.

Amadeo The Troll – A walking, talking Italian stereotype who looked

like he stepped off of "Jersey Shore."  In true Idol revisionist

fashion, since he’s "likable" and "sincere" he "deserves a shot." 

Really?  So it went form "Great Singing" to "Sincerity" as the

necessary component for Idol stardom.  Way to lower the bar, Show.

Ashley "Not Alicia Keyes" – Definitely not.  She butchers her song,

so of course they love her.  Kara: "I love you… because I love

mediocrity."  Seriously, Kara the cow probably loves vanilla ice cream

for it's "bold statement."  

Drummer Tyler with the Broken Arms – Looks like that dufus Ice Cream

Scooper from "Survivor: Micronesia" who stupidly gave up the Immunity

Idol.

http://blog.mlive.com/survivorfromhell/2008/04/large_ERIK9%20WEB.jpg

Posh is immediately drawn to his package.  "Nice jeans" she coos as

Tyler ogles Kara with "Let’s get it on."  He knows which side his bread

is buttered.  

Codzilla Mike – a walking promo for his Boston speedboat tours.  Sings a flat "Yesterday" and steals a golden ticket.

"Alzheimers’s

Grandma" Katie – Has the sob story, the voice and the perkiness to go

far on this show.  Otherwise thoroughly forgettable, just like last

year’s winner,  What’s His Name?

Pussy Joshua- Sings badly but begs to be let through because he’s 28.  Probably the only singer with VFTW potential tonight.

Bosa from Nigeria – He’s from Nigeria.  Simon calls him boring. Sounds good to me, but then they’re all boring tonight.

Finally Leah Laurenti From Long Island – She was polished in that

scrubbed Mariah Carey imitating way this show loves.  I smell a ringer.

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So this was an exceptionally dull and listless show.  Last season the

first episode sucked too, so maybe there’s hope for tomorrow, but I

wouldn’t put money on it.

--Chan