Atlanta Auditions - Pants on the Ground and Skii Bo Ski for Cereal

I’m cynical of American Idol. This is a fact. The show normally sucks ass and I complain about having to watch it. But honestly, I enjoyed tonight’s episode. It was so ridiculous and full of VFTW potential, I had to put a smile on my face. Either American Idol is playing to the Worsters or they’re desperately looking for water cooler talk. Either way, keep it up. We had the terrifically understated Mary J. Blige as a guest judge, we had scores of Interchangeable Blonde Whores who couldn’t sing yet still made it to the next round, and we had “Pants on the Ground”. What more can you ask for?

Idol has recently been starting all of their episodes with an unfunny bad audition. Keeping with that tradition, Dewone Robinson, whose grandfather discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips, sang a song called “Lady, We’re Not Together Anymore”. Simon calls it one of the worst original songs he’s ever heard. I call it a waste of 5 minutes. Eliminating this guy could’ve given us more Skii Bo Ski. Next.

Keia Johnson enters beauty pageants, but never wins. She did win Miss Congeniality once though, or as Mary J. Blige likes to call it, “Miss Congeeliality”. She sings that stupid Titanic song, but she does a decent job at it. Even though I should hate her, this girl seems a bit kooky so I don’t mind her yet. She’s probably cannon fodder. Simon is the only one who doesn’t overly praise Keia, because he sees her doing more Broadway type stuff. That’s actually not an insult, since 90% of failed Idols go on to Broadway where they’re accepted like the prodigal son. Adam Lambert hasn’t figured this out yet and is currently too busy humping a sheep while wearing a dress, trying to be “edgy”.

Miriam Lemnouni, Noel Reese, and Tisha Holland do quick songs. I don’t care about them really. Miriam picks a Miley Cyrus song, so I can tell she’s worthless. The others, no real distinction, except Kara calls Tisha the best she’s seen all day.

Jermaine Sellers is here to sell us a sob story about how his mom has a spinal condition and he’s been taking care of her since he was 17. He wants to make it to Hollywood to prove to himself that he can sing. Forget the fact that he has a job as a church singer. That proves nothing apparently. Only 4 overpaid celebrities can prove you are a good singer. Jermaine sings “What if God Was One Of Us” and it would be much better if he didn’t add so much melisma. Idol finally has a contemporary, black male singer, something they’ve been trying to find for 9 seasons. But they’ll be stupid and cut him at some point. Randy says that Jermaine has the best vocal we’ve seen yet in all the cities. The “best vocal yet” thing is getting very tiring. Also getting tiring is Randy’s moronic counting, saying “million thousand one hundred and ten percent yes” to one contestant. Now that Jermaine has made it to Hollywood, it looks like he’ll be leaving his mom all alone at home with no one to take care of her spinal condition. Asshole.

Christy Marie Agronow is the host of a Georgian TV show called 411 The Show. Unfortunately, television hosting doesn’t translate to singing, and Christy wounds four while singing “Love Is a Battlefield”. Kara tries to be funny by saying, “We got our own 411 for you – this shouldn’t be your career.” Christy is nothing but nice and polite, and Kara has to cut her down at the expense of a stupid joke. I’ve got news for you, Kara. You’re not good at any of your careers. You can’t sing. You can’t write songs. And you sure as hell can’t judge a tv show. It’ll be funny to watch the other judges leave you one by one until you’re the only judge left on Idol and it’s cancelled for Simon’s X Factor. Now that’s the 411.

Vanessa Wolfe is one of the best VFTW contestants of the night. Just about everything she says or does is awesome. She likes to jump off bridges because there’s nothing else to do in rural Tennessee. That’s not true. She could be making babies or making sandwiches. She calls herself 100% pure beef when she gets out of the water. Most of the other stuff she says though is unintelligible because her accent is so thick. So I’ll just picture her saying, “I wash myself with a rag on a stick” whenever she mumbles so I Can laugh to myself. When Vanessa sings, she sounds like an off key hick trying to sing a country song. So naturally, I loved her. Kara calls Vanessa authentic. Simon calls her ill prepared but distinct. So basically, the judges are saying she’s a terrible singer but believable as a hick. Well, duh. If you haven’t noticed over the past 2 nights, Idol has abandoned the pretense that they are judging singing and they’re now just giving Hollywood tickets to anyone who is deemed “likeable” and “authentic”. Somehow, Vanessa makes it to Hollywood, but not before she asks the judges if they are cereal. They’re not. But if the judges were cereal:
Randy would be Count Chocula.
Simon would be Cheerios (pip pip).
Kara would be that value store brand cereal you pick up because it’s on sale but then leave in the back of the cabinet after trying it once and realizing how awful it is.

Jesse Hamilton talks about how he almost died 3 times before in his life. He almost died once as a baby when he went “limp as a dishrag.” He almost died a second time when he narrowly escaped a bullet while shooting pistols with a friend. Then 2 months ago, he was almost run over, making that his third brush with death. Jesse gets choked up and says he must be here for a reason. Yes, that reason is that you’re not quite stupid enough to have killed yourself yet, but you’re just stupid enough to probably succeed in the next few years. Don’t worry, just keep trying and you’ll eventually succeed. Jesse freezes up when it’s his turn to sing a Garth Brooks song, but when he eventually gets the song out, Mary can’t help but double over laughing. Her reactions are 10 times funnier than Jesse’s audition. Simon tells Jesse to go back to welding, and I want Idol to go back to someone who’s actually funny.

Luckily, the next contestant is Human Guitar Holly Hardin. She calls herself “the next great thing” and causes Simon to roll his eyes. Holly’s personality is over the top and affected like Kellie Pickler, but Kellie was a great VFTW pick, so I’m looking forward to Holly’s antics. Unfortunately, Idol doesn’t have a spell checker on staff, so Holly’s last name is spelled incorrectly on her title (as “Harden”), as was Amadeo’s yesterday. What’s the budget on this show, $1? At least when I misspell shit, it’s because I write blogs at midnight while half buzzed on the liquor that got me through the show. What’s your excuse, Idol? When she sings “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man” she really does have a pretty good country voice, but I can’t get past the sunglasses and guitar outfit. It’s so brilliantly odd. The best judge reaction is again Mary who states in a deadpan tone, “I don’t get it.” Everyone says yes except Mary, who wonders how the crazy judges got into Paula’s leftover stash in her old dressing room. Mary’s proving to be one funny guest judge due to her WTF looks and deadpan remarks. Can we replace Kara already?

Mallorie Haley is another Interchangeable Blonde Whore who sings country and doesn’t stand out. Unlike Holly and Vanessa, this girl delivers nothing funny, so I am already tired of her. Mary calls it the best audition she’s heard and Simon calls Mallorie fearless. I call her monotonous and a waste of room in my blog. This means Idol will put her in the top 24.

Thankfully, we’re back to good, with Antonio “Skii Bo Ski” Wheeler up next. He says he’s ready to blow my mind, and he sure does. He wears a shirt that misspells his nickname and his hair has the American Idol logo buzzed in. Simon looks mortified at Skii’s entrance, which makes me love him even more. After singing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine” in a surprisingly good way, Skii tells the judges, “It’s a package deal, cause I’m like the dollar store. Cause even at the dollar store you can have everything you want in one package and it’s only a dollar. Cause I’m worth a lot.” OK, fess up. Which one of you readers is Skii? That’s the only explanation. Skii asks the judges to acknowledge he is “good music” before they speak, and they begrudgingly give him a ticket to Hollywood. No way! This guy is beyond awesome. He’s perfect. Simon hates him. This is why he’ll be cut in Hollywood. No one this good stays around for long.

BFFs Carmen Turner and Lauren Sanders are all ready to try out. They’ve got their Baby Gap outfits on. They’ve got their makeup guns set to whore. And they’ve got the nauseatingly cute backstory about being best friends. I wonder where this is going. When one of the cheap hookers (I can’t remember which is which) is asked what song she’s going to sing, she proclaims “Dick in My Pants.” Wait, what? OK, I love these two now. The girls sing, and the blonde one is slightly better than the brunette, but both have very little talent. Simon calls them The Ditz Singers, but it sounded like he said The Dick Singers. The second one makes more sense, especially if the girls really did sing “Dick In My Pants”. 3 of the judges like the blonde, but no one supports the brunette. Either way, the blonde will be cut shortly in Hollywood. If not, she’ll be yet another Interchangeable Blonde Whore that VFTW will consider supporting. Especially if she somehow works in “Dick In My Pants”.

For the next 2 auditions, Simon just gets up and leaves because he has a headache. Wow, he really is phoning in his last season, isn’t he? That’s awesome. I’d like to see him wander off the set during a live show just to see what kind of chaos it creates. So Bryan Walker only has 3 judges to impress. He’s a police officer from Tennessee who sings “Superstar” in the style of Ruben Studdard (his words). When’s the last time anyone saw Ruben? Besides at a KFC drive thru? Not a smart move, Bryan. This guy is boring, an asshole cop, and his hair looks ridiculous. If you have only a little bit of hair left, shave it off. Randy mentions that Bryan looks nothing like what he sounds like, it’s a fake out. Here goes Idol trying to create a Susan Boyle moment. Unfortunately for Bryan, no one is as hideous looking as Susan Boyle, so it doesn’t really work. He makes it to Hollywood, and hopefully he gets to room with Skii Bo Ski for maximum hilarity.

Lamar Royal promises that he is going to respect the judges’ opinions and says he loves constructive criticism. Unfortunately, I’ve actually been watching the show, and I’ve seen Lamar cursing up a storm in every preview shown so far. So being that my intellect is clearly 100 times higher than the average Idol viewer, I think I know what’s going to happen next. After murdering “Kiss From a Rose”, Lamar gets nasty when the judges tell him that he needs to work on his voice. Lamar then lets out a slew of classic quotes. My favorites:
“Fuck the whole American Idol show.”
“Fuck Mary J. Blige, she can’t sing a fucking lick.”
“Who the fuck is Kara? Who the fuck is she? I ain’t never heard of that bitch. I wish Paula was here.”
“Lookin’ for a clown ass motherfucker, that’s what you’re lookin’ for.”

Yes they are, Lamar. And a clown ass motherfucker they will get. Because of his dedication to the art of nasty quotations, a group of Worsters clap for Lamar from their car.

And last up is General Larry Platt who treats us to his song “Pants on the Ground”. Larry is actually a civil rights activist who worked with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. This makes me love him even more, but his original song is just as awesome.

Pants on the ground, pants on the ground
You lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in the mouth, with your hat turned sideways
Pant hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat, lookin' like a fool
Walkin downtown with your pants on the ground
Get it up, pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool, walkin' talkin' with your pants on the ground.
Get it up, hey, get your pants off the ground.

I think every person who auditions for American Idol should be required to sing “Pants on the Ground”. There should be a “Pants on the Ground” theme week. I want a dance remix, a hip hop remix, and a country remix, stat. Idol has truly hit its stride for one episode with this gem. Even I couldn’t make fun of most of it since I was actually entertained. I expect them to fuck it up big time in Chicago somehow.