Chicago Auditions - Talk About Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

Chicago is the birthplace of VFTW, and sure enough, the Chicago auditions were by far the worst of the bunch so far. I made sure to make a few phone calls to ensure that the talent pool was incredibly low, and I did a better job than even I thought I could. Of course, even I can’t be blamed for Idol asking everyone to chant “Yes, we can” Obama style. Yes we can indeed waste an hour of our time watching 4 monkeys bicker about who gets to win a karaoke contest. Kara also says she’s going to stalk guest judge Shania Twain, because there isn’t room for two useless hookers on the judging panel, and she’s afraid Shania’s going to steal her shtick. But Chicago is a place where we all have big egos and we’ll tell you to fuck off if you question us. Idol did get that part right. Now enjoy a nice big piece of deep dish pizza and read along to find out why Chicago isn’t really Idol’s kind of town.

The first singer we meet is Katelyn Epperly. Katelyn, no stranger to Idol, has decided that a sob story is the key to victory. And the sob story she comes up with is… her dad divorced her mom. Oh boo hoo. What a sad and unique story. This is the big leagues, Katelyn. Where’s the dead relative? Where’s the life-threatening illness? Did you not know you were pregnant, but then gave birth in a toilet? Got a stillborn baby or one with fetal alcohol syndrome? Well apparently Katelyn is just trying out to make her mom happy, since this is her mom’s favorite show. Ten bucks says Katelyn’s mom is a Sparkle Cow and that’s why Dad left. He was smart enough to leave anyone who likes Adam Lambert. Katelyn sings “Syrup and Honey”. She’s got a pretty good voice, but I’m distracted by the Brillo pad on her head. Randy is completely floored that Katelyn can sing a Duffy song without actually sounding like Duffy. Wow, Randy, intelligent. Talk about fetal alcohol syndrome. Simon says it wasn’t memorable, like the lights were off. Then he turns away from Kara and remembers he has to review Katelyn as well. She’s off to Hollywood, hopefully with a better sob story before the top 24.

Amy Lang, my personal highlight of the evening, says she’s a Broadway baby with a history of having naughty dreams about Ryan Seacrest. See, some people can even find Leprechauns attractive. When the judges ask Amy to sing, she says, “Sing? Whatchu talkin’ bout? This is a singing show? Nobody told me.” It’s not, Amy. And you just made me love you even more. As if I’m not already head over heels for Amy, she pretends to faint, but then pops back up and sings. Kara thinks the fainting was real. Talk about fetal alcohol syndrome. After the faint, it surprisingly gets even better, with Amy’s patented boob flex. Kara keeps trying to call it “boob boxing”. When no one responds well, Kara repeats her pathetic phrase 3 more times, trying to get someone to laugh. No one does. The judges tell Amy she should’ve taken the audition more seriously. I tell Amy she’s one of the only reasons that tonight’s episode had me laughing, so lots of love to Amy Lang.

Charity Vance wants to be a singer, but right now she mops up hair while singing in her parents’ hair studio. Her version of “Summertime” is pretty terrible. She has a squeaky, annoying voice that isn’t pleasing to the ear. A VFTW contender for sure. Randy says she has a small voice, but it makes an interesting sound. Simon says that it was a good audition because he’s heard that song a lot (tell me about it), and this version was unique to Charity. Simon thinks Charity would sound great on record. Too bad The Chipmunks Squeakquel already put out an album last month. She’s going to Hollywood.

Angela Martin is probably the least lucky Idol auditioner ever. Her dad was killed right before Hollywood during season 7 of American Idol, so her mind wasn’t there. Then for season 8, she made the top 50, but had to drop out due to a court date for a traffic violation. At least that one was her own fault. So at 28, with this being her last shot, can Angela finally make it all the way? Spoiler alert, her mom disappeared literally a week before she left for Hollywood this time. This girl can’t catch a break. It’s seriously depressing. Especially since Angela sings decently and then says “the storm is over” at the end of her audition. Did she break a few mirrors and walk under a ladder next to a black cat on her way to the audition? So I don’t care what this girl did, I can’t make fun of her with all of those terrible things happening. So I’m just skipping that one.

A few bad people sing, and it’s not that funny. Then Brian Krause takes the stage. He was a singer for the troops when he was in the army in Korea. He tip toes through the tulips and the judges laugh at him. Kara asks, “Is this a joke?” Then she realizes she needs to stop listening to the last song she wrote on her iPod and needs to actually review Brian’s performance.  Brian did make me laugh when, responding to the question if he always tip toes like that, he says, “Ask anyone from grade school to current, yes I do, ma’am.” The judges also mock Brian for calling them Mr. and Ma’am. He was in the army, you doofuses, that’s what they do. No one else respects you, so you might as well take it where you can get it. After being rejected by Kara, who tells him to “tip toe that way (to the door)”, Brian wants to slip into a warm bubble bath. I’d like Kara to slip into one as well while trying out her new toaster.

Harold David is Idol’s own Kanye. He’s got a big ego and proclaims himself the greatest. He’s tired of microwave dinners, he wants to eat steak. Why don’t we ask the last few Idol winners what success has brought them? After interrupting Kris Allen’s Ramen supper and David Cook’s meatloaf leftovers, I found the results inconclusive. After Harold sings “Nice and Slow”, the judges tell him he sucks. Harold blames his allergies, which the judges don’t buy. But I think he’s right. I’m also allergic to stale incompetence and tacky cologne.

John Park is our token Asian fodder this year. Seriously, Idol, why do all of the Asian male contestants have the personality of a piece of drywall? His parents don’t believe in his singing, and his audition doesn’t really help things. It does turn Shania on, though, because apparently she’s been spending too much time with Kara. Shania compliments John on his bottom end and lips, and then says, “You have a good head.” Not to be outwhored by anyone, Kara takes off her clothes, gets down on all fours, and proceeds to make barking noises.  John makes it to Hollywood, a little more boring than he was when he first walked in, but a lot more disturbed at being hit on by two music business has-beens. Well, Kara is a never-was, so I guess I’m wrong.

As Idol winds down, I notice back to back commercials for Weight Watchers and the McRib sandwich. Clearly, this show knows its target audience: fat housewives. Fox steals their money with lofty Weight Watchers promises, then the frauen drown their sorrows in fake meat doused in barbecue sauce. It’s actually brilliant.

The last contestant of the day is Paige Dechausse. Her sob story is that she has asthma. Wow, these sob stories are weak. What’s next? You got a new BMW for your birthday instead of a Lexus? Boo hoo. Turns out Paige fainted during a recording session due to her asthma and she almost died. Paige’s mom was told that Paige had a 30% chance of living, and if she did live, the doctors said she would have massive brain damage. Since Paige is trying out for American Idol, looks like the doctors were right. Personally, I want Paige to make it to the final 2, so along the way, we have the best shot at watching someone faint and be rushed to the hospital during a live show. If I have to sit through Whitney Houston week, I want some drama, dammit. Paige sings “Change is Gonna Come”. What is with Idol contestants and this song? Because last time I checked, civil rights wasn’t quite on the same scale as asthma. Clearly, asthma is a much bigger deal. Randy called out Paige’s pitch problems, but Shania and Kara flirt with him to get him to say yes. Apparently someone still finds Kara attractive. This is headline news to me! After Paige gets her golden ticket, she breathes into her inhaler. Excellent. There’s no way Idol isn’t going to stress this girl out to the point where she passes out. They’re much more evil than I can even imagine being. So Idol will finally submit to the reality show cliché of having an ambulance in its “this season on American Idol” supertease.

Justin Ray, Keith Semple, and Marcus Jones all get tickets to Hollywood. But no one cares.

Honestly, watching all of this Idol makes me really miss Paula Abdul’s contributions. Talk about adult alcohol syndrome. I miss ya, you crazy broad. At least Randy didn’t do any inane “bazillion jillion” numbering tonight.