Chicago Auditions -- Worse Than The Cubs

Howdy Class,

Doesn't it suck to be one of the Final 24 this year and know that "Pants On The Ground" Guy has already sold more records than you ever will?  And same goes for you, GuyWhoWonLast Year. 

Yes, it's time for still more auditions.  Yawn.  Don't Idol Viewers ever get tired of bad singers and obvious fake Comedian Plants who pretend to be bad singers?  And Idiots in Stupid Costumes?  I've already had enough of the Idiots in Stupid Costumes to last me at least 10 more seasons.  I know the punchline to that joke already. 

Seriously, why do people watch these things?  We know who the Final 24 are.  We know these "Audition 20,000 people in a day" is fake.  We know the Producers pre-select their favorites.  Idol NEEDS to continue the charade of "Your next American Idol will literally walk off the street and into your hearts."  Well, I can guarantee last year's American Idol WhatsHisName will be back on the streets as soon as his contract is up. 

So I understand the need for all this Idol audition hoo-haw, but why do we have to watch it?  Well, you don't.  I don't either, but I choose to because I have a sickness.  Not a Get Me On Idol type sickness like cancer or Tourette's or Dead Wife.  Nothing like that.  Mine's just mental. 

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Also these stupid shows all follow the same Script.  The First Singer always gets the full Bio Video treatment.  If they suck then Singer #2 is good, or like tonight's show, it's the opposite.  Then there's a fallow period where the editing pretends like Simon and his gang of stupid people see a bunch of bad singers...  "Will Singer X break the streak of badness?" queries Ryan.  Nope.  Singer X NEVER breaks the streak of badness.  But then City Y rebounds, and lets several singers get a Gold Ticket.  And Act Four is capped off by Sob Story Singer Z who gets two promo teases and 10 minutes of air time to flaunt his/her Sob Story and then will be abandoned by the Idol Producers once Hollywood week begins.

Don't believe me?  Here's Tonights "Plot."

First off is Divorce Girl Katelyn.  She is cute and marketable despite her frizzy blonde hair.  Katelyn's parents "recently separated."  She turns out to be a good singer (and we know this because she's in the Final 24.)  Katelyn and her Mom get to rave, "We're going to Hollywood."  Actually, Mom, no you're not. 

Thankfully tonight's show is only an hour.  And since Katelyn plus commercials eats up 10 minutes, this show is officially 1/6th over at this point.  Huzzah.  I love one hour episodes. 

Anyhow, following the script, Singer #1 was good so therefore--

Drama Queen Girl sucks.  She's heavy, so we know she'll never make it to Hollywood.  She's playing up her "Sassy Fat Girl" character.  She talks about her boobs and she pretends to faint.  Sadly this was the highlight of her audition.  Well, at least Drama Queen girl always has her sex dreams about Ryan to hold on to.

Skinny blonde girl with Home Hair Stylist Dad (make of that what you will) gets a ticket.  But since she doesn't make it to Hollywood I don't care about her.  Only one interchangeable blonde whore per show gets to the Final 24, sucks for you Home Hair Stylist girl. 

Next the fallow period begins with Falsetto Curley.  He's predictably bad.  "It's not the start we expected for Day 2" Intones Ryan.  Actually yes it is what I expected.  Because it's the same goddamn script from the past 8 seasons of Auditions.

Then Whitney Houston Wannabe Alannah, who doesn't know how terrible she is, and she gets impromptu singing lessons from Three non-singers and Randy.

Vincent D'Onofrio as Pooh Bear From Salton Sea -- Who swears he's not joking, when he does a dead-on Tiny Tim impression complete with "Tiptoe Through The Tulips" dance moves.  Pooh Bear is pretty awesome even if he's a Comedian Plant.

Then some dude names Harold tries to seduce Randy with "Take It Slow."  Sadly Harold's crippling allergies rob him from singing good, so he is sent packing.  And then he cries.  Pussy.

So the fallow period comes to an end.  Will Idol actually make it through an entire "Day" without giving away a golden ticket? 

Well, John Park, Asian Lambert changes all that fast.  Since we know he's in the Final 24, it's not surprising to us that he can sing.  But Shania Twain is "pleasantly surprised" by John's good voice, and "didn't expect that"...  Because he's Asian, and everybody knows Asians can't possibly sing.  Anyhow John makes Kara and Shania moist and Shania gives him the finger guns as he leaves.  Get some dignity girl.  Kara's got the Horny Non-Singer of a Certain Age Judge roll sewed up. 

And finally, super-teased This Girl Has Defied the Odds With Her Serious Illness Girl. Seacrest ominously intones, "Looking to breathe new life into these auditions."  Someone gets paid to write this shit.  We discover that Defied The Odds girl has... Asthma.  What?  That's it?  We were hoping for Cystic Fibrosis, or at least a little lung cancer or Dead Wife.  But no, she has asthma.  And there is fake B.S. Drama where Randy casts the deciding vote to send her to Hollywood, but we know she's not in the Final 24 so we do not care about Asthma Girl an longer. 

In the final montage we see Fat Sideshow Bob and his Troll Sidekick got Golden Tickets.  I don't remember his name, but I liked his hair.

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And that's the show.  We got to spend time with about 10 singers.  So if you're one of the 20,000 sad bastards who waited for 12 hours to try and get on Idol in a cattle call audition in Chicago, your odds were slightly better to get on TV than the Cubs have of winning any given World Series.  Good luck SUCKERS!

Whoa! Tomorrow's audition show features arrests, singers collapsing and other drama.  Just the 2 minute promo had more action than Tonight's entire episode.  But at least it was only an hour.

--Chan