Orlando Audition Recap - Weakest Sob Stories Ever

The Orlando auditions brought some of the weakest sob stories yet. If you thought asthma and divorce were pathetic last night, wait until you get a load of these guys. It’s like American Idol 9 is the search for the world’s lamest hard-luck story. Next week on Idol: Mike Jones just wants a shot on Idol, but one thing has been holding him back. You see, just last week, Mike got a papercut. And he’s been living with the reality of this situation ever since. He’s tried bandaids. He’s tried Neosporin. It.Just.Won’t.Heal. But I digress. Orlando had some good moments and a bevy of likeable contestants (VFTW and otherwise), so it wasn’t a total bust.

Theo Glinton is first to go, and he is self-assured and covered in glitter. I’ve seen plenty of these auditions during past seasons of Idol, I can already guess what’s coming here. Theo screams, the judges say no, Theo envokes Jennifer Hudson… same old story. Not funny. Next.

Seth Rollins is married and has 2 kids. Seth’s son is autistic, which Seth milks for pity and crocodile tears. Now autism is a sob story? The kid is clearly high functioning. Plenty of parents have it much rougher, so quit you’re whining. I’m going to start a new reality show where the losers of American Idol who have fake sob stories actually have to live with a real tragedy. Your kid is autistic? Great, well now your house was hit by a tornado. And the only place to live is in a studio apartment with Kara DioGuardi for a year. Now that truly sucks. Seth keeps whining about how he can’t “fix” his son and how he wants so many things he can’t afford. Remember the tornado, Seth. Seth’s version of “Someone to Watch Over Me” is decent but nothing special. Kara says she wants to keep hearing him and that’s the best compliment she can pay anyone. The studio apartment is waiting. Randy wants Seth to exude a little more vibe. He gets a ticket to Hollywood, and now he has to leave his son behind. The same son who was incredibly upset when dad left the room for 5 minutes to audition because he missed him so much. Jackass. Seth’s wife knows that the 4 yeses will give Seth the confidence that he has something special. So 2 cute kids and a nice family didn’t clue him in to the fact that his life is pretty good? Seth, stop looking a gift horse in the mouth. Or do I have to remind you? Tornado.

Jermaine Purifoy tried out during season 8, but didn’t make it. Instead of whining about it, he said that he probably didn’t do very well so he didn’t deserve to make it then. Wow, I already like this guy because he’s actually realistic. His version of “Smile” isn’t riddled with annoying melisma or over-the-top notes either. So far, so good. The judges all love him and Randy of course gives him a “two bazillion percent yes.” Jermaine seems pretty humble anyway and says that maybe he should take more risks in light of making it to Hollywood. Nice guy. I can’t really mock him, he’s actually talented and seems like a good person. This is like an Idol first. I expect nothing on this show but fuggos, famewhores, and fuggo famewhores. But I’m sure Jermaine will do something in Hollywood to make me take all of this back and dislike him.

The last audition of day one is Shelby Dressel. So wait, we only get to see 4 auditions from the first day? Really? The show can’t cut out the filler about how annoying Kara is to show some actual singers? Shelby actually has a decent sob story- she can’t really use the right side of her face because it’s paralyzed. It kind of looks like she’s always smiling. Are you listening, other contestants? This is an actual sob story. Her audition of “Turn Me On” is ok, but a bit whiny. I don’t mind her though. I do admit that throughout her entire audition I did nothing but stare at her mouth since it’s paralyzed. I also spent time imagining her VFTW caricature. The camera mostly shoots her from the right though, so they mask the paralyzed part of her mouth. The judges say yes, Simon’s yes comes with a small y. Overall, I like Shelby. She seems like a decent enough person. Am I going soft? Is Idol finally getting to me?

Thankfully, to start off day 2, Jay Stone beatboxes “Come Together” and knocks me back to reality. It’s even more obnoxious and annoying than Blake Lewis. This means he’s a total VFTW pick. Simon admits that he’s soaking wet after the audition and Jay says, “that makes 2 of us.” Kara, oddly enough, doesn’t interject. Randy asks if Jay can actually sing, and when he does a terrible version of “Ain’t No Sunshine”, the answer is obviously no. Kara says yes and tries to convince the other 2 to say yes as well. Jay says that he’s bringing something new that the competition has never seen before. Randy reminds Jay that Blake Lewis did the same thing, and Jay insists that “he wasn’t doing what I’m doing. He wasn’t singing and beat boxing simultaneously.” This guy is a douche. He’s annoying, unintelligent, and about as current as parachute pants. Which is why his inclusion in Hollywood makes me happy.

Quick clips are then shown of Janell Wheeler, Brittany Starr James, and Kasi Bedford. Simon says he likes the rasp in Kasi’s voice. Randy says there’s something infectious about Janell. It’s probably the herpes. They getcha every time.

Cornelius Edwards learned to dance from friends that are “adult entertainers”. So basically, strippers and trannies taught him to dance. So I immediately love him. When he sings, in his words, “Rolling by Tina Turner”, he falls into a split where his “pants done ripped.” Because his pants done ripped, all of the judges say yes and he’s through to Hollywood. Seriously? Awesome! When Cornelius comes out with his golden ticket, some little kid looks confused and annoyed at being on the show. Love that kid.

Bernadette DeSimone and Amanda DeSimone are sisters that spend most of their time singing in their parents’ hair salon in New Jersey. So basically, strippers and trannies taught them to sing. These two are my favorites of the night by far. Bernadette looks awesomely fun and trannytastic, while Amanda is just equine enough to get Simon to want to keep her around. Kara asks the girls if they’re from Jersey, and Bernadette wonders if it’s because they have big hair. I think it’s more because they look like they just walked off the set of a gangbang with The Situation and his friends on Jersey Shore, but ya know. The girls sing decently, and Kara wants them to go to Hollywood because she thinks they’ll bring something. Yeah, ten cans of hairspray and the number to an alright plastic surgeon. Bernadette says she’s ready to work. By the way she’s dressed, I can tell she’s not lying. Girl is ready to work hard for the money. And you better work, girl, because the judges all say yes. I’m thrilled. These two are delightfully trashy and I want them to stick around forever.

Jarrod Norrell does Kegel exercises on the ground to prepare for his audition. Okay… He says he’s going to perform “Amazing Grace- gotta give it up to God.” But just like all overly religious people, God goes out the window the second Jarrod doesn’t get his way. After singing terribly, he refuses to leave the audition. He’s dragged out and handcuffed, probably for dramatic effect. All in all, it’s a lame stunt that probably should’ve been left on the cutting room floor. But at least it spared me having to listen to Kara for a few minutes.

Matt Lawrence then tries for the biggest sob story of the night. He had everything going for him in high school until he robbed a bank… with a BB gun. Now that’s true country. After spending 4 years behind bars, he now has a tough life… managing his father’s trucking company. So where’s the sad part? Is it the fact that people mock him for using a BB gun to rob a bank? Matt insists that now he just wants to make his family smile. So of course, he auditions for American Idol. Not looking for a recording contract, mind you. Just to make his family smile. He sings “Trouble” about how trouble is dogging his soul. Yeah, must be real tough living off of your dad’s company. The judges love him. Simon says that Matt can really sing. Kara said that when he hit the high notes, she didn’t feel like she was going to fly through the window. I’m imagining Kara flying through the window and the hilarity that would ensue. But it’s not meant to be. Matt makes it to Hollywood, of course, because the sob stories always do. Poetic justice would be if someone stabs him with a knife during Hollywood week. A plastic knife from McDonalds. Maybe it’ll buy him some extra votes.

The auditions have gotten stale already, yet we still have 4 more episodes to go. Awesome. Remind me to stab myself with a plastic knife from McDonalds to dull the pain.