One quick question before I begin. In Los Angeles, does “You’re going to Hollywood!” actually mean anything? I mean, the show probably films right down the street from the Hollywood location. Why would you get upset if the judges don’t select you to go to Hollywood? Take a step outside, realize your dream, then go back to flipping burgers. That said, Avril Lavigne proved pretty useless except that I laughed at her devil horn hoodie, but Katy Perry brought enough Worster spirit in large quantities that the episode was saved.

Up first is Neil Goldstein. Wow, Rosie O’Donnel looks horrible. He has an IQ of 168, yet he didn’t figure out that American Idol is a big scam. He says that if you name it, he’s probably into it. OK then… midgets giving each other golden showers. After Neil draws a heart with lipstick on a mirror, he’s ready to perform a Meatloaf song. After butchering the song, Simon says that Neil isn’t suited for this business. Like a true Worster, Neil gives them hell and says that he wants to go to Hollywood and he’s not going anywhere until that happens. Uh, dude, did you read the first paragraph of my blog? After being rejected, being hit by Simon Cowell opening a door, and running into a sign, Neil says in the grand scheme of things that the show is going to be the biggest losers. So true, Neil. But that has nothing to do with your audition.

After sitting through a commercial with a dog named Carly (much cuter than the dog of a contestant named Carly 3 seasons ago), Jim Ranger is set to perform. He’s a worship pastor, of course, because every youth pastor in America thinks he should try out for Idol. He also whores out his 3 children for sympathy votes. Jesus doesn’t find that very classy. Jim sings a lame original song called “Drive”. Avril Lavigne says the only important thing she utters all episode: This guy isn’t going to be able to leave his family to travel and perform on the road. She rejects him, which makes me like her a bit more. The others all say yes though and Jim cries that he’ll be able to provide for his family now. I guess being a youth pastor doesn’t pay the bills. Get a real job then, you irresponsible cow.

Damian Lefavor is addicted to martial arts, but he’s a pacifist. If only we could rile him up enough to punch one of the judges. In his real life, he makes sandwiches. But he doesn’t bring any to the auditions to feed the judges. To Randy, this is worse than being punched. Jordin Sparks’ tour bus must be in town if all of the sandwiches have been eaten. Damian sings “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” and he chokes pretty bad. But he leaves without much back-talk, so Damian even lets the Worsters down. Rule #1 of VFTW: Always talk back. The more the better. Damian, you blew your shot.

Mary Powers has an 8 year old daughter who loves Simon Cowell. The daughter says that her mom is going to be “in the top 14 or something.” Sorry kid, but mommy’s version of “Love is a Battlefield” is mediocre at best. Simon says that Mary has a good voice but that everything about her is cliché. Bingo. After Mary gets her golden ticket, her daughter gets to meet Simon. I wonder if seeing that he reeked of stale cigarettes and wasn’t much taller than her ruined her imagination. As the entire family dances and screams, “We’re going to Hollywood,” I must again remind them that this isn’t much of an accomplishment. Don’t any of these people own a map?

Since Idol hates VFTW, I then have to sit through a montage of that no-talent jackass Adam Lambert singing some terrible song. Then I get to see the even sadder wannabes who try to be like Adam. One of them is Jason Castro’s brother, Michael. Sucks to be him. And another one is A.J. Mendoza. A.J. sent Adam Lambert a tape of his music and Adam had fantastic things to say about A.J.’s voice. So how much do you want to bet he’ll suck? Yep. A.J.’s version of “Cult of Personality” is actually more annoying than Adam Lambert, if that’s possible. The only thing worse than being Adam Lambert is being someone who wants to be Adam Lambert. At least this kid’s face doesn’t look like the surface of the moon though. Simon says that A.J. sounds like he went to the dentist an hour ago. A.J. is shocked that the judges hated it, and I’m actually amused that A.J.’s groupies are all pissed off. Never wiping the smug look off his face, A.J. says, “I’m a really good singer. I did my thing. I got a lot of swag and they thought it was a joke.” For once, A.J., the judges are right. I’d make fun of A.J. more, but the fact that he actually chooses to look like Adam Lambert proves that he has a mental disability, so I’ll stop.

Now that day 1 is over, Katy Perry steps in to guest judge. She promises to be brutally honest and starts right away by mocking the judges for flying in on a helicopter. OK, I‘m loving this bitch already.

Austin Fullmer wears a red and black striped shirt because he wants to be an Idol sex symbol. He says that no one on Idol has sexually ever been like him. So does he like midget golden showers too? Cause that first guy liked them as well. So technically, we’ve met someone just like him already tonight. Austin, who works at a water treatment plant, sings in a terrible faux British accent. Simon tells Austin to go back to cleaning water. Honestly, I’d rather he not. Dude doesn’t look that clean. Austin doesn’t take rejection well, saying that Kara and Katy were turned on by his performance. Kara gets turned on by anything with a penis, so that isn’t exactly a shock. But Katy looked more surprised than anything. After he leaves, we get a crying montage of contestants who didn’t make it. Including “Crying Girl” Ashley Ferl! They made her cry again. Who didn’t see that one coming?

Andrew Garcia is possibly the ugliest contestant that has ever been on American Idol. Yes, I know there’s Constantine Maroulis. But this guy seems to be even uglier. It’s like if I took the ugliest person I know, hit them over the head with a shovel, dropped them in acid, and then burned them in a fire… I’d have Adam Lambert, and that still wouldn’t compare to how fugly Andrew is. Idol probably wants him to be the makeover story of the season. But we’ve all heard the expression, “You can’t put lipstick on a pig.” You can’t put it on Andrew either. It’ll run away in terror. Andrew’s parents cry about how they used to struggle and were in gangs in Compton. Andrew says, “They moved out of that so we wouldn’t grow up to be in a gang, in jail, or even worse… dead.” How do you grow up to be dead? This guy’s an idiot. His family sheds more tears than Danny Gokey did in an entire season. Save it already and get that water treatment guy in here to clean up the fucking river. Andrew sings” Sunday Morning” and his voice is as annoying as he is ugly. Simon genuinely believes Andrew is a good singer. Yes, because Simon believes that all hideous people are good singers (see: Susan Boyle). Andrew also gave Katy chills. Probably because she was scared shitless by how ugly he is. Andrew makes it to Hollywood easily. But hey, the ugly ones sometimes become great VFTW picks, so maybe this guy won’t be so bad.

Tasha Layton, another minister (seriously?) sings a cliché version of “Baby Baby Baby”. She gets a golden ticket. The only thing worth mentioning about her is that she runs at the camera and screams, “I’m going to Hollywood! Now what do I do?” Take two steps to your left, Tasha. Magic. You’re in Hollywood.

Jason Greene tries to slide as many sexual innuendos as he can past the Fox censors, so I like the guy. He looks absolutely filthy, so Simon is jealous. Up to this point in the episode, Kara hasn’t annoyed me. I know, right? It’s almost over. Don’t worry though, the second she starts lipsyncing along to Jason’s version of “I Touch Myself”, I immediately want to start mocking her again. Jason asks to be judged on his knees. Simon says that he knew Jason would get there eventually, so Jason invites Simon to join him. Unsuccessful there, Jason goes for Katy and says she looks dirty in the top she’s wearing. After being rejected, Jason starts to hump a pole Normund Gentle style. Love it. Then Jason tells Ryan Seacrest that the judges enjoyed every inch of him before giving Ryan his phone number. Ryan gives it to a big guy who seems much more interested. It’s a love connection, no doubt. One that smells bad, but a love connection nonetheless. Thanks for spewing filth on Idol, Jason. I appreciate the effort.

Usually the montages are incredibly boring, but this next montage is possibly my favorite in the history of Idol. Katy Perry starts turning down as many contestants as she can. She also makes a habit of turning down everyone Kara likes. I love this chick! Kara keeps looking for attention and cooes, “I kissed a dolphin and I liked it.” So Katy says, “Please stop, I’ll have to throw my Coke in your face.” Did I ever mention how awesome Katy Perry is? Our mutual disgust for Kara has drawn us together. And her dislike of the next contestant makes me want to have her babies.

Chris Golightly, known from here on out as Little Orphan Trannie, is another sob story complainer who milks his 15 minutes. Little Orphan Trannie complains that he’s been in foster care since he was 3 years old and he has lived with over 25 families. Wait, what the fuck? Let’s say he was in foster care until he was 18. That’s one and a half families a year. 25 different families didn’t want him? That says something, Chris. I guess he’s destined to have no one ever love him. Sadly, too many of the frauen can relate, and they’re going to vote for him in droves. Chris whines that no one ever celebrated a birthday or holiday with him. So all 25 foster families never celebrated a holiday with you? You are a damn liar. I hate this guy so much already, but I’m glad to now have someone I can mercilessly rip on every week in my recaps. It keeps my skills sharp. After singing “Stand By Me”, Chris gets support from Kara and Randy. Katy says, “This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart. You have to have talent. Everybody has an amazing story.” Wow, I think I’m in love. I’ve given my heart to cruel, cruel Katy Perry and I never want it back. Simon agrees with Katy and says that Chris sounds like he belongs in a boy band. Chris goes to Hollywood, around the corner, and says, “It’s a step closer to what I want in life.” If it’s recognition you’re going for, Chris, I’ll be more than happy to recognize what a whiny douche you are.

Tomorrow, the Lone Star state brings us guest judges Joe Jonas (boo) and Neil Patrick Harris (yay). If NPH can even be half as good as Katy, we’ll have a good episode.

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