Hollywood Boulevard Night

Thank God it's finally Hollywood Week--  Oh, wait. It's just more bad singing auditions FROM Hollywood.  Crap.  

So the Idol Juggernaut chugs on.  I really, really hope that one day Idol figures it out and just airs one week of two hour auditions and just gets this stuff over with.  The real Hollywood week is so much more entertaining where the personalities come out and bad songs are butchered.  

If this was a half-hour episode it would've been pretty good.  The second half in particular was entertaining with Katy Perry's sassy judging.  The first half was dull with unexceptional Crazies and no good singers worth mentioning.

-----

Beautiful Mind Neil starts out the Audition Plot in Earnest.  Notice how Neil's hair grows six inches in one day in his bio video?  Despite the fact he's wearing the same outfit his audition was clearly shot on separate days weeks apart.  Nice job once again highlighting how Idol Auditions are Fake.   Unfortunately for Neil (but fortunately for us) Neil is sweating before he even starts singing.  Neil gets one line into the song, before forgetting his words.  "Remember everything I told you."  Simon: "Ironic."  Simon makes his first Funny of the season.  Neil had a strange quiver in his voice and was pretty bad.  "I'm not leaving" he declares upon getting the bad news from Simon.  But before he gets his ass Tazed, Neil wussies out and walks away.  I was getting excited that he'd get handcuffed and brutalized like that other guy last week, but then I figured if anything good like that happened they would've put it in the Commercials.  

And since the first singer was terrible, the next singer is good (allegedly.)  

Bakersfield Jim is a preacher and a mediocre singer.  Since he doesn't make it to Final 24 I don't have to care about him.

Kung Fu Damian demonstrates his weak kung fu moves on the roof.  Remember Chan's Idol Corollary #11, if the producers ask you to do funny dance moves then you can't sing.  Damian also seems like a bad comedian ringer, so I don't care about him either.

Ah, montage exploiting cute children.  Nice job producers.  

"Rocker" Mary -- Simon calls her out for being a fake rocker and says her outfit is cliche'd.  If Simon says it, then it must be true.  Mary gets through, just so they can show her cute kid some more.  

Fake Lambert ends the bad half hour.  He's bad but not in a funny way.  Kara's advice "You didn't even open your mouth."  You should listen fake Lambert, Kara knows the quickest way to Showbiz success.  

Thus ended the Avril Lavigne portion of the show.  Can't remember anything she said.

-------

Katy Perry is introduced, "Will she bring her brash attitude (and boobs) into the judging room?"

Katy Perry is pretty good.  She's got huge... eyes, and electric pink lipstick.  I don't know if she can sing, but she's entertaining.  

First up is Sexual Austin, a lanky bean-pole with pleather striped shirt.  He does a bad Mick Jagger impression and some crotch splits.  He also says funny stuff like "A real man came in here." and "Simon couldn't handle it."  

Katy Perry asks: "The people that come in here, are they frisked?"  Yes, every person is fondled personally by Kara.  

Then there's a montage of crying as the producers exploit some mentally unstable people.  Because crying = ratings.  

Aw, man, Crying Girl is sent home.  She gave this show some of the highest ratings ever and added to the Phenomenon that was Sanjaya, and they couldn't let the poor girl sing on TV?  What bastards. At least she gets to do what she does best... Cry expertly.

Boring Andrew with a neck tattoo.  His wife has pretty spectacular hair, but otherwise Andrew reminded me of Gokey 2.0 with the goofy hat and ugly goggles.  Andrew gets a golden ticket and Randy tells him: "I have a theory.  If you can sing, you can sing anything."  Yes, we have a new Idol drinking game.  Every time Randy ignores his own adage "You can't SING Whitney/Mariah/Stevie Wonder" we all take a drink.  Nice going, Dawg (takes a drink.)

First Avril and now Katy Perry in a Proactive Zit Commercial.  Idol has a new sponsor I see.  Not as compelling as the Oxycontin and Wild Turkey commercials like when Paula was here.  

Next is blandly beautiful Tasha The Minister.  She's cute and mediocre, and after getting her gold ticket does the "Superstar" pose.  Then does it again for good measure, so I don't like her any more.  

"Uncomfortable" Jason comes out and he's awesome with his androgynous sexuality, Leif Garrett hair and sassy attitude.   Jason's singing is nasally but not horrible.  Jason writhes lasciviously and he gives one of the most VFTW-worthy performances of the season.  Kara mouths the words along with Jason's rendition of "Touch Myself."  That's got to be Kara's theme song.  Simon reaffirms his heterosexuality with "If you're comfortable down there, I'm cool with that."  Kara opines: "It's hard to make girls feel dirty..." Especially because Kara has no shame.  After the audition Jason gives Ryan his phone number, and Seacrest protests too much, joking that "Despite what you may have read on the internet..."  He hands the phone number to a big troll with a beard.  Simon says the audition was uncomfortable, but American Idol's homophobia and cutesie "I'm not gay" jokes are much more uncomfortable than Jason's performance.

Then the show gets really awesome as the Idol Producers go out of their way to bash Kara, rewarding the loyal viewers with a montage of how Kara is so pathetic and desperate and Katy calls her out on it.  Katy: "Don't ever say yes just because you feel sorry for someone."  Right on Katy.  I'm beginning to understand what Russell Brand sees in her, aside from the boobs, of course. 

"Justin Guarini" Chris is up last, so of naturally he has a sterling sob story- He's an orphan.  With his dyed-blond Sideshow Bob hair, mediocre voice and fantastic pained facial expressions Chris could be a VFTW contender going forward.  So we're pretty happy about that.

----

So that's the show.  Neither really great, nor really terrible.  We'll give it a C+ and move on to Dallas tomorrow.

Class dismissed.

--Chan