Doogie Does Dallas

Doogie Does Dallas --

Neil Patrick Harris guest stars and was predictably awesome.  "My goal is to shatter the dreams of thousands."  Sounds good to me.  Neil was on point, nailing zingers, bringing welcome personality to the show and having a solid idea of what he likes in a singer.  So why is Randy still judging on this show again?

While we're talking about the tub of goo, I'm begging you Randy, please retire this "Billion per cent yes" crap.  It's a simple yes or no question.  Giving someone a "billion per cent yes" is no more validating then the pity "Yes" votes you cast for cancer patients and homeless people.  

Also, Idol is still pounding home the propaganda that "Simon sits through it all."  This is a blatant lie as we all know, but sure, we'll play along with your little game Idol, as we watch the time lapse montage of contestants auditioning for Simon and it's about 10 people total.  

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Starting us off is Bad-Singing Julie.  She sucked on Idol a long time ago, so she's back after taking singing and acting lessons and losing 50 pounds.  She has silver-gray eye shadow and wears a sequined dress prompting Doogie to welcome her with "Hello Sparkle."  He's been on the show five minutes and he has made me laugh more times than Randy has in 9 seasons.  You BLOW Randy.  So Bad-Singing Julie is better but she's still pretty terrible.

And since Singer One was bad, Singer Two is Good (allegedly.)  He's Lloyd "Big Succexy" who's sob story is that he has two kids and a crappy job.  Dude, that doesn't even qualify as a sob story, that is a sitcom on the WB.  Lloyd says he's a dockworker, prompting Kara to rave "This guy is working docks...  Just down the street from where I'm working docks."  Lloyd sings Stevie wonder pretty well, and doesn't get the "You can't sing Stevie Wonder" critique from Randy, so I don't get to take a drink.  Damn you again, Randy. 

Kimberly Carver -- Mediocre and shouts a lot, but gets a ticket anyway.  I only mention her because her Albino brother is wearing a Harlem Globetrotters t-shirt and it made me laugh.

Dexter -- He's "Very, very, very sure he's America's Next Top... Idol."  I'm very, very, very sure he likes dudes.  Dexter sports an orange mohawk-type haircut and a pencil mustache.  The dude has a style, he just can't sing.  

S&M Erica walks in wearing bondage gear and a whip.  Oh, and she was a Barney The Dinosaur kid.  Kara gets moist immediately.  Kara: "Who do you want to whip first?"  Doogie quips: "I'm getting the creeps" as Erica sings the Barney song while cracking her whip.  Randy blows a gasket, "Barney would be so proud...  And I am.  Because I'm Barney."  

Tourette's Dave -- Yes, I was waiting for a Tourette's guy.  Dave seems nice.  He sings well.  And he doesn't swear randomly, so he's through.

A parade of Crazies Who Make It To Hollywood including Bellowing Bull Guy and Falling Down Girl.

Adios Doogie, Hello Jonas Jonas.  Neil Patrick Harris was great as a judge.  Joe-nas, was the polar opposite level of bad as a judge.  Did he say anything besides "Yes?" to everybody?  Nice job, dude.  

We get a trio of people with awesome names who get Golden Tickets-- Todrick, Dawntoya and Maegan.  

Tawdrick starred in Color Purple with Fantasia on Broadway, so you know he's a ringer.  He does a funny song about American Idol and his 15 minutes of fame.  Then he does a backflip, so I like Todrick.

Dawntoya has a funny name, and that's about it.  And Maegan had an over-emotional singing style and a weak voice.  So she gets to go to Hollywood.

Pink Vanessa - Sucks but not in a funny way, giving me time to notice that Randy has grown a hump on the back of his neck.  That thing is freaky.  I'll keep an eye on it's progress throughout the season.

Leukemia Kristin.  She had Leukemia when she was four, but she got better.  She's a decent singer for 16, but half her notes sound good and half sound awful.  She gets a ticket, prompting Ryan to ask her, "Is there a better feeling?" Kristin says it's one of her best feelings to go to Hollywood.  What about not dying from Leukemia?  That's a pretty awesome feeling, too.

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And the show is over.  Next Week's Preview teases lots of drama and a shocking naked person in Denver.  But then this is Idol so you know it won't be as good as all that.  I mean, Succexy Ruben 2.0 was the "Greatest singer we've seen today" from the previews and he was unexceptional.  

--Chan