Dallas Auditions Recap - One Man Boob Out the Door, One More To Go

In Dallas, Simon and Randy complain that they’d like to have Richard Simmons and Clint Eastwood judge. Well I want Whitney Houston (on crack) to judge. You can’t always get what you want. Neil Patrick Harris is a good guest judge though, but anything is a let down after fiery Katy last night. Neil proclaims that his “goal today is to shatter the dreams of thousands. If I can make two or three dozen cry, I’ll feel like I’ve done my job.” Now that’s what I like to hear! Team NPH!

Fame whore Julie Kevelighan is back after embarrassing herself during season one in the clip you’ve probably seen of “Lady Marmalade.” All she does this year is talk more during her singing, so it’s slightly more palatable. Tricky tricky. NPH starts in on her homemade sign, criticizing her for not leaving enough room for her last name. Seriously. You’re going to be on TV. Spend more than 5 minutes making a sign. NPH calls her annoying as she leaves. Can’t argue with that.

Lloyd Thomas is tired of being a dock worker and complains about it. Good thing he makes it to Hollywood, because he clearly isn’t getting his job back. And hopefully he has a fall back career as a fry cook once he’s eliminated in Hollywood. After singing “Overjoyed”, Lloyd wins me over by responding to Simon’s comment that he’s the best audition of the day with, “Get out of here, Simon. You better leave right now.” Believe me, Simon can’t wait for the day. He already has one man boob out the door. Randy has to say a billion percent yes, while Kara only gives him a hundred percent yes. I guess she can’t picture herself sleeping with him. After he gets his ticket, Lloyd says, “I wish you could taste what I taste right now. It’s the taste of victory.” Then he eats his fingers. Seriously. Love him.

Kimberly Carver sings an original song that’s all over the place. Randy and Kara love her. Simon doesn’t love her because she’s not good looking. He calls her performance “Jazz TV.” So Neil Patrick Harris, looking to start a fight, says that he disagrees with Simon. NPH is a spitfire, gotta love him. If only we could get a boxing match between Neil and Simon, and then one between Katy and Kara. Randy could box a pepperoni sandwich and Paula could come back to fight the invisible man who took her pills. Brilliant television. See, I can come up with something more entertaining than Idol without even trying. Kimberly gets a ticket to Hollywood and says she’s going to watch “Doogie Howser” as a thank you to NPH.

Dexter Ward is the token delusional contestant with no talent. He starts off by saying, “I’m just being honest, the show is over.” If only, Dexter. If only. He sings that terrible Shai song and the judges rip him to pieces, causing him to cry. Same story, new town. Not interesting.

Erica Rhodes, on the other hand, is very interesting. She’s an actress who used to be on “Barney and Friends”. She makes no bones about the fact that she’s been acting and is now trying to break away from the cute kid image by dressing as a dominatrix. I like this chick. She’s honest about her background and she’s funny. She also made me laugh by willingly singing the Barney theme song. She then sings “Free Your Mind” and it’s okay. Erica claims that she just wants to show people that Barney kids do grow up, to which NPH replies, “to be dirty little girls.” The judges unanimously vote yes, and this time a VFTW type gimmick actually works and she’s off to Hollywood. Now can we borrow that whip to use on Kara every time she opens her mouth?

Dave Pittman has Tourette’s. That’s about all that’s interesting about him. I’m cool with him because his facial tics would make good screencaps. NPH pretends not to know that Dave has Tourette’s and asks him about it. Yeah, I’m sure that sheet in front of the judges doesn’t just say, “Dave Pittman – HE HAS TOURETTE’S. ASK HIM ABOUT IT. SERIOUSLY.” Simon says that people will really like Dave, and NPH calls him crazy brave, so he gets to go to Hollywood. Dave is yet another contestant that I’d like to see room with Skii Bo Ski.

Soon, the show is riddled with montages to Miley Cyrus music while Joe Jonas guest judges. Seriously? When did we all become 12 years old? And why is Joe Jonas a heartthrob, as Ryan describes him? Don’t little girls have standards anymore? Seriously, girls, you can do better. Kids today…

Todrick Hall, scammer extraorindaire, talks about his time in “The Color Purple” with Fantasia and then sings a stupid song about the judges. His voice is whiny and his annoying melisma makes the song even less bearable. That means he’s a likely future VFTW pick since he sucks so bad. Randy calls him one of the best for season 9. Joe Jonas drools on himself. Simon says he’s not jumping out of his chair. He’s off to Hollywood, and I’m off to write an article about how he’s a scammer. Coming soon.

We then get a quick montage of golden ticket winners, including Dawntoya Thomason, who is a black country singer. Why haven’t we had one of those on Idol yet? At least that’s different. I’m tired of the black girls belting Whitney and the white girls singing country. Let’s switch it up for variety’s sake, please.

Maegan Wright says that both of her parents were divorced, they’re now remarried, so now it’s just her and her little brother. Wait, what? Your parents disowned the both of you? You must be as annoying as Little Orphan Trannie. I think Maegan meant to say that none of her parents came today, but hey, it’s funnier to imagine it the other way. She sings “To Make You Feel My Love” in a typical country voice. Kara calls her the best of the day, and Simon likes that she dresses like crap but can sing. So of course she’s off to Hollywood.

Vanessa Johnston stays positive by dressing in pink and purple. She hopes her positivity goes through the TV. Her version of “At Last” is pretty positive. Positively terrible screaming. Simon says that Vanessa’s singing reminds him of his nightmares. But Vanessa keeps a positive attitude and laughs it off by saying “at least you’re dreaming about me.” I like her, she’s fun and realistic.

Ryan Seacrest then explains that Simon Cowell is only grumpy because he has to sit through thousands of auditions in each city. Bullshit. We know he sits through 100 people per city max. Stop lying.

And of course, we can’t end our trip to Dallas without a sob story. Christian Spear was diagnosed with Leukemia on her 4th birthday, but she’s been in remission since she was 8. Now that she’s OMG 16 she has decided to try out for Idol. Her rendition of “All I Can Do is Cry” is incredibly corny and over the top, so of course Kara likes it. “No Boundaries” anyone? Randy has to mention that she’s 16, as it’s written into his contract. Not that Randy can read. But the contract was printed on the pepperoni sandwich Randy ate earlier and he absorbs all information gastronomically.  Christian absorbs her golden ticket by picking it up, and that’s the end of that.

Can you believe there are only 2 more audition episodes left? Thankfully. Except the next one has Victoria Beckham again. Speaking of pepperoni sandwiches, someone please feed her one. The bobblehead look is not attractive.